Sunday, March 10, 2013

The block revealed

Last year I started this blog for one reason: to document and share my sex life. I was on a journey of discovery. I'd gone from bland and boring to a whole rainbow of kink and that I had really wanted but never had experienced. I was so very happy and the words I wrote were practically bursting out of me. Writing took over my free time; all I wanted to do was write and share and discuss. I loved it so much.

And then life sped up and we fell into a rhythm. When I started the blog, we were four months from our first year anniversary. I'd already been on twitter for four months tweeting our sex life. Everything was new and exciting and I couldn't wait to write about it. We were so excited to reach that 1 year mark right about the same time I purchased my first home and we moved from an 800 sq ft apartment to a 2200 sq ft home.

Life sped up. There was so much to do and take care of. My job took over some of my free time; what I had left I spent mostly with my partner savoring the fantastic journey we were on.

Except life wasn't speeding up that much. My work was. Prior to Friday I've never heard of the term "speed up" before but when I read this article posted by Mother Jones, I finally connected and confirmed what I've been feeling.

I've made no secret of the challenge I've found at my work recently (even not so recently). In the past 14 months I've been promoted and told to assume the work of my old position and new position. I did this pretty well considering the task that was asked of me. But in doing so, I lost more than I feel I gained. Yes, the salary increase helped me finally afford the cost of owning a home - barely. But, what did I give in return? I gave up all of my Sundays from November through February with the exception of holiday weekends to working at least part of the day. I got so used to working 12 hours in the office its no longer unusual. My insomnia took over and working a full day on 3 hours sleep was normal and not a rare occasion.

I accomplished so much professionally that my personal life began to feel like a failure. He felt neglected (and he was). Our sex life went from 6 days a week to maybe 3 because I was so tired or too stressed to think about it. (For some that may not seem like a lot - but for us its been a big change.)

I worried about money. Free time. All the improvements needed to the house (it was in need of some serious TLC and still is in some areas). Bills. Blogging. Twitter. Sex toy reviews. Photos. When did I shave my legs last? I couldn't remember. Oh look, I forgot my sister's birthday. Over and over.

When I looked at my blog, I didn't know what to write. We've been so busy that our stories of "new" sex has fallen off a cliff and our sex life has normalized. It's not boring at all - not by a LONG shot... but for someone who wrote constantly about new sex experiences all the time, I felt like I had nothing to share. Most of the sex we have is him on top or mutual masturbation. It's awesome and hot and better than it was a year ago, but  it seems harder to write for some reason.

I'm also self-defeating. When I get buried in one area, I feel buried everywhere else. At work I've been in survival mode for months and that feeling has carried over into real life. I'm irritable at home on the weekends because I'm stressing about what needs to be done at work or at home. I'm paralyzed by stress.

I compare myself to fellow bloggers... and I've forgotten what its like to even have time to write anymore.

And I worry about having the ability to even have a normal life. I've gone so far down this road of bending over and taking it from my employer, I have a very difficult road to climb up. They did hire a new employee in my department. He's above me in title and pay and I've been told not to expect anything to come off my plate. Great. I'll just work away then, wondering how I got fucked over so bad.

I've tried to talk to my boss, but I'm so stressed and so emotional over this that anytime I even consider talking about it I start tearing up. And approaching him in a blubbering mess of tears to a male boss who never asks about my workload aside from agreeing "yeah, we're all busy" seems counterproductive. Or is it? I'm so confused. I've never been someone to ask for less work. I'm known for my can-do attitude and approach.

But where's the line between can-do and should-do? I'm feeling I shouldn't do this... its ruining my life. But I'm so far down the rabbit hole I have no idea where to turn now.

So yes I'm a bit writer's blocked. I have about 15 posts in drafts in various stages of writing. I can't get them to completion or editing. Some don't even have complete sentences just ideas of "I need to write about this."

I just hope I can figure out a way to renegotiate my workload or find something better that allows me to retain that work/life balance I've completely lost.


  1. I hear you. With a new move (hey thanks military for all the way across the country) I'm working in a job I can't stand, trying to support husband in a job that only allows one day off with 18 hour days, and kids. I'm overwhelmed, and my job loves me so much that responsibilities keep piling on.
    I spoke to my boss, and said I either needed part time or I would just quit. She suggested FMLA, in part because I have an injury that a doctor can write me out for when I just need a day off. She didn't want to lose me even part time. It's been a decent compromise, I get an extra day or two when I feel like I can't handle life or when my family needs me a little bit more.

  2. I hear you. I drop off Planet Blogosphere from time to time for the same reason. But, I always return...for the same reason. I don't get paid for writing here, but I need to do it. It feeds some inner need. Plus there is the added bonus of the writing community. It's part of my wellness plan. But, there are definitely times when I truly feel I have nothing to write about. At those times, I try to just post a line or two...a photo...anything just keep my foot in the game. After all, life eventually settles down, and the block will go away. Rest assured.