Monday, December 3, 2012

What is vanilla sex?

Sometimes I forget what "vanilla sex" is. It's when I realize I'm so far down the 'rabbit hole' of kink that I forget there are many, many people out there for whom vanilla sex is their way of life.

My only experience with vanilla sex is the sex I had with my ex, and that sucked a big majority of the time due to our complete sexual and attraction mismatch. It was just.... so boring.

Is that what vanilla sex is: boring sex? Sex without toys? A lot of rules (but none of them playful)? No daring? No exploring of limits? Just sex? That's it?

Where does kink begin in the area of vanilla sex? Exchanging dirty photographs? Licking food off someone? Having sex outside of the bedroom?

I don't know the answers to these questions. It's really not important, until I start interacting with the vanilla world. Like coworkers. Or facebook friends who, when I answer their joke about sex shops advertising on Pandora with a "why not?" are so shocked I would be OK with that.

I've lost track with what is 'normal.'

There was a time when I said "normal is the average of all extremes." But "normal" doesn't fit "vanilla sex."

Vanilla sex.... I can't define it, but I know it when I see/hear it.

Perhaps vanilla sex is when one partner is kinky and the other is wanting more variety. That can feel like vanilla sex hell. I've certainly been there. I'm so happy I'm not there anymore.

If you're stuck in vanilla sex hell, I have no words of advice for you. My advice and my journey is not yours, nor should my opinion make any impact in your life.


  1. I think vanilla sex is pretty subjective, what may be vanilla to you may be way over the line for me, and vice versa.

    I had a reader who commented on one of my posts with this, "it's only kinky the first time you do it!"

    So true, after it's the usual does that make it vanilla and time to push more boundaries?

  2. I agree - "vanilla" is just a way to describe sex that's less adventurous. I've heard swinger friends describe it as anything one-on-one and BDSMers describe it as sex without power play.

    If that's it, then I've had vanilla sex many times before. Doesn't bother me. I wouldn't appreciate the raunchy, thrilling sex of caramel swirl with chocolate chunks if I hadn't also experienced the sweet sensuality of vanilla.

  3. "Vanilla sex hell" is such a funny term, it made me smile. I agree that if one partner wants to add spice and the other one doesn't, it is that term.
    And of course, I echo the lovely comments above me.