Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Small steps: progress on making me a priority

So on the first of the month, I wrote about how I wanted to make some changes in my life. The feeling of being overwhelmed with work has not waned at all, but just having a perspective and attitude adjustment has helped. It's helped more than I realized it would, actually.

My meditation/cleansing room is very much a work in progress. I went looking for cheap paint in the "Oops we mixed the wrong color" section at Lowe's - haven't found any I want yet, but I'd love to start the painting in that room with colors that take something considered useless and turn it into something lovely. Repurposed, just like the room and my focus.

My detox on work has been the highlight of the past few weeks. I'm calling it a detox for several reasons. First, I'm getting better at putting the work phone down when I get home and NOT checking it until the next morning. While several of my days have turned into long nights, I've made it a point to close the laptop, put it away, and focus on us. It's helped that my boyfriend needs frequent foot and shoulder massages as a result of his job. I do this during our together time in the evening while watching TV. When I need a foot massage or a neck massage from my long days, he's always there for me.

And when we're not massaging each other, we are curled up on the couch, someone's head on a lap. Normally his head is on mine, as I don't like to lay down and watch TV. On a really stressful day, he'll have me lay down, and he'll pet my hair and tell me how he loves me and take care of me.

I love these evening rituals together. I've let them get away from me. I've skipped them. Had my phone or laptop out for twitter or work. Now I don't. It's completely for us now. Its all that matters.

Now for a big change. I signed up for an exercise class. I've actually never been to a class with other people. I've belonged to gyms and even had personal trainers - all I let them do is keep me on track. I hated the focus and I wasn't super serious about making changes. This is a huge, major step for me.

I am so nervous. I'm nervous of wearing my loose and baggy exercise clothes on a body I'm not confident in in front of other people. It doesn't matter that everyone will be a stranger - oh gosh I hope they are! - as I just don't want to sweat and look exhausted in front of other people.

I also do not like the appearance of weakness. In anything. Its a huge psychological block, but one way I get in trouble with my body is trying to prove "I can do it." I can't push myself too hard or I'll end up hurting my body. My entire focus will be to take it easy, take it easy, take it easy. Warm up to it. After years of sitting on my ass, my body will need some time to get used to this new routine.

I'm freaked out. Nervous. Excited. Change is coming... I am ready.

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