Before our relationship even started, we agreed that we both wanted to have the opportunity to play with others of our same sex. We're both bisexual and we both want to enjoy that side of our sexuality. Our only rule was we wanted to be present, ie, he could watch me with another woman (but not participate) and vice versa.
We both want to "play" with someone we can trust. I am not a "meet you then fuck you 5 minutes later" person. I need a relationship. I need to know who you are and like/love you. For me, sex and orgasms don't happen outside of this arena of caring. I want to make sure that whatever sexual experience we have, there will be kissing and cuddling which are not random experiences for me. I also want to make sure I am with someone who I can trust when they say they are drug/disease free. I don't want to worry and doubt. I want honesty. I want a personal relationship. I want to know what makes you laugh and how to make you giggle. I want to share our more than just my bed, but also some of my normal life.
We haven't done any experimenting yet, really. We've been far too interested in each other. We also are not sure where/how to look. I haven't had time to explore FetLife; I'm not sure it's the place for me. We're both naturally shy and its hard for us to meet someone, much less meet someone to start this kind of relationship. And really, we're in no rush. We've enjoyed the past year together. We have many, many years ahead of us. Why rush into this?
But then there is twitter. There are many amazing, sexy women and couples that offer potential. I'll fully admit to flirting with women on there (you know who you are) and using some of them in my fantasy life (I don't think I've told them about it...). There are singles and couples who have asked to join us or be a part of our sex life. It's all very flattering to be so desired. I've never been so wanted in my entire life.
Most of the time I'm propositioned it's by men or by a couple. No one has lived near me to be a possibility geographically, so I consider these invites pretty harmless and unreal. It's never a serious consideration. But then there's one couple we've started to crush on.
But the interest has expanded from girl-girl and guy-guy. Once my BF got
to know the man of the couple pretty well and the man expressed
interest in me (although he certainly wants the BF more), my BF told me he
wanted me to fuck the guy! I was shocked - SHOCKED. He has been so
strong on his stance that no man would ever fuck me, and now he wants me
to be fucked by another guy? Not only does he want me to be fucked by the guy, he wants the man to cum in me so my BF can lick me clean. Creampie cleanup!
I've also been granted clearance to flirt with him...it makes my BF jealous, but also turned on and horny. He likes it.
A few weeks ago, somewhat randomly and suddenly, we skyped with them. Naked. We didn't do anything on camera except a little kissing and fondling; we mostly talked. But the ideas and mutual want for a meeting and fun together is on the table and we want to explore further.
In a way, I'm very flattered. I'm flattered that the man wants me, I'm flattered his wife is OK with it, and I'm extremely flattered my BF trusts both of us to be OK with it. I'm turned on. I never thought this would be on the table. Never.
But then the question is raised, what about his wife? She and I are certainly ready to tear into each other, but she has expressed interest in my BF and he is certainly interested in her. But I am not sure I am comfortable and OK with that. I have an insane jealous streak and while I am secure in my relationship, I don't like the idea of my BF getting off due to physical contact with another woman. I have no problem with porn, but I prefer he look at gay or TS porn rather than women. I do not like him flirting with women on twitter. I understand his appreciation for women on tumblr and even this beautiful woman, but the thought of him fucking her or her sucking him off makes me... jealous. sad. lonely. I don't think I can do it.
I'm trying to reconcile these feelings of jealousy with reality. I really have no fear of losing him; I'm not sure what my feelings are.
I never considered myself to be a swinger, but that is certainly the direction we are heading. I'm totally OK with this. Our fantasy life often brings up different things we would do with this couple and others. For now, the rules are changing and our boundaries are expanding. Who knows what might happen when geography is not an issue? I'm not sure. I do know that anyone who will be with us will have a relationship with both of us. And we both get a veto option. Because, ultimately, its about us in the end.
Great post. We have the same concerns, and don't easily trust other people. Likewise, we prefer to play with someone we know, or at the very least someone we have interacted with and have good feelings about. This is why our experience in this realm has been so limited.
ReplyDeleteWe are on FetLife, but it really isn't our scene. We aren't into BDSM as much as the typical site user, and that seems to be the focus of the site. We've used other sites and were disappointed by the lack of follow-through and the general amount of flakes.
As you say, there's no reason to rush into anything. Focus now on your relationship - though admittedly it seems like it's going perfectly - and understand that you realistically have a potentially unlimited amount of time to pursue others and find partners that suit you both.
Your feelings about Twitter are similar to ours. Twitter is so awesome for our egos and our fantasy life. We've found so many people that we would consider playing with, and who have indicated that the feeling is mutual. It's nice to have options.
Additionally, we can relate to your thoughts about geographical location (the "harmless and unreal" comment), and the fine line between jealousy and arousal as a result of flirting. We have been there. It's something that we know is normal, and that has been a part of our sex life pretty much since day one. It's fantastic that your boyfriend is now entertaining thoughts of you with another man, as it shows that he is obviously secure in your relationship and confident in your love for each other.
That you still feel jealousy with regard to your boyfriend interacting with another woman is understandable. This may not be something you are ever able to overcome. It doesn't make you a bad partner in any way. You simply have different boundaries. It's part of who you are, and I'm certain that he doesn't love you any less because of it.
The fact that you are aware of your feelings and limits, and willing to discuss them - not necessarily willing to change your feelings, but just talk about them confidently as a mature adult - is admirable. Some people are so eager to go along with the general consensus, so to speak, that they compromise their feelings and do something that they end up wishing they hadn't. Do NOT do this. I'm not saying that you should be close-minded or absolutely unwilling to adjust your limits, but the fact that you acknowledge that you have limits and know what they are is a good thing.
Oh, and Skyping is HOT.
That was quite a story... wow...
ReplyDeleteI think Jack and Jill's take on all is very accurate.
Now, I have to try to get my thoughts back on grading exams...
HA!
~shoes~
You are absolutely right. I am glad that I currently in two "monogamous" stable relationships. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat you describe about needing the established relationship for there to be sex and kisses and cuddles and giggles Sounds to me more like Polyamory than it does traditional Swinging. Not to say there's not overlap there -- Mrs. AP and I both flow between both of those Lifestyles to varying extent -- but generally speaking Poly is more focused on establishing multiple relationships whereas swinging is more focused on casual, lust-filled, potentially one-time-only sex.
ReplyDeleteI'm on FetLife and can't imagine trying to use it for dating purposes. It doesn't have anything close to a reasonable search option for that. I've not been on Twitter long enough to imagine using that, either. It's like trying to use Facebook or MySpace for dating; it just isn't that kind of service in my mind.
I do, however, fully endorse and use OKCupid for Poly dating. Mrs. AP and I found each other and some really good friends / sometime lovers on there. There's even a guide for Poly Dating on it: http://kitoconnell.com/2011/10/20/okcupid-intro/
Just some food for thought. Whatever happens, as mentioned above, talk about feeling, talk about reasons, talk about reactions, and don't do a single damn thing you don't want to do. Never "settle". Taking one for the team works in baseball; it doesn't work in relationships quite so well.
Stay SINful
Mr. AP
Great advice here for us all. I love that we have this blog community.
ReplyDeleteI'm learning the more we talk through every emotion the less opportunity there is for a huge mistake. And at the same time our bond gets stronger and stronger.
That was brave to be naked on cam...