Note: This letter, while in response to a post an anonymous post at Molly's Daily Kiss called I am Ugly, is something I think any woman may need to read at some point. This is to all of us, when we feel 'ugly.'
Dear Ugly,
You are not alone. You may feel alone, but that does not mean that you are alone in your experience. Despite the wide reaches of the internet, its still possible to feel very lonely. Please hear me out as a sister of your suffering.
You and I are very similar.
I am also overweight. You are nearly 50 lbs overweight, I am over 90 lbs according to the published BMI ranges for my height. It's not a fun place to be. Some days its hard to look in the mirror. Your fat jeans become your normal jeans. And then your new fat jeans are the next size up and you can't believe you've jumped another size. Getting back to where you were seems like a hard, dangerous road. It's long, lonely, and difficult.
I also have too much hair on my body. I have PCOS, which means I have way more testosterone in my body than a woman should. I pluck every day to keep my chin hair, neck hair, mustache hair, and eyebrow hairs in check. I don't do a good job at it. I hate it when my lover notices if I missed a hair. Sometimes my facial hair grows really long, just one long strand on my face that is invisible until my lover tries to brush it away only to realize its connected. I have a happy trail I have to shave away. I have so much pubic hair I have to shave or wax or I get rashes from all the hair and the sweat it retains from the day. If I don't shave my legs every day, you can see it. I have more underarm hair than my male lover. I have to pluck hair from my nipples. I have hair on my toes, so much so that both lovers in my life have called me "hobbit." I struggle every day with my hair.
I have ugly stretch marks all over my thighs and stomach from two periods of depression in my life where I gained weight so fast. Now they won't go away. If a swimsuit is humiliating, then a swimsuit with long stretch marks down your thighs is even more so, because I'd have to wear men's shorts to hide them. So I stopped swimming.
Like you, I had a lover who found my body useful for sex but found parts of it unattractive. He didn't want whole parts of me. The sex was awful and I dreaded it. He gave me compliments, but the words were flat, empty, and meaningless. They were tokens of something that wasn't there. I tried to call him on it, but it just caused problems.
So, Ugly, we are not that different. In some ways, we live and have lived the same life. But that is where the similarities end.
Unlike you, I do not think I am ugly. In fact, I've found that I'm a beautiful person. I'm more round that I'd like to be, but I have beautiful breasts (saggy though they may be as DDs) and a big ass (cellulite, hairy ass crack, and all). I may have lots of hair, but its a nice brown color where I don't remove it. My body is high maintenance. My skin is always dry and my scalp is flaky no matter what products I use. I just make the best of it.
But I like my body. I try to take care of it. Even though I'm overweight I won't give up trying to lose that weight, even if PCOS makes it harder for me.
I found confidence by looking in the mirror and making myself say one positive thing about myself ten times each day. Even now I look in the mirror and remind myself how pretty my eyes are. I joined twitter and blogging and saw that there were women whose bodies were similar to mine that many (not everyone) though was beautiful.
That's the beauty of this world. There are so many types of bodies with all sorts of features; everyone has an admirer. If you don't believe me, go browse porn or tumblr. The variety is greater than I ever imagined.
But here's the biggest difference between us: how you treat yourself and see yourself tells others how to treat you. It is not your fault that you lover and partner is a complete asshole when it comes to showing affection towards you. It is, however, your fault for letting it continue as long as it has.
Relationships have ups and downs and attraction and frequency of sex may change through the years, but there is never an excuse for a partner to not comfort you, not look after your emotional well being, and to make sure you are pursued and loved.
That is betrayal. You think that another could never find you attractive. You're doomed to a life alone and unwanted. Who doomed you to such a fate? There is no wicked witch in this lifetime. Only you could choose that future -- so why are you so resigned to take it? There is another option.
You can find a new future. It can be whatever you want. I broke off a 6 year marriage and 9 year relationship with my former lover. He was my first kiss, my first everything. He broke my heart. I was right there in your shoes, willing to live and die because I promised I would always stay. But what about his promise? Didn't he promise to love and cherish also? Isn't that promise just as broken when my heart is in pieces? Did I promise to stay with in unhappy, unfulfilled life no matter what? No.
You don't have to stay in this. You have a say in whatever happens to you. You can be resigned to your life of not being appreciated for who you are, but I promise you there is someone out there who would love you and appreciate you more for who you are. They would love every part of your body, flabby, fat, hairy, or not.
I certainly found one. And he loves every single hairy, flabby, stretched mark part of me. He loves those parts of me so much I've cried during sex from the powerful emotions.
And to think I almost never knew because I was almost too scared to think I deserved better.
You deserve better, too. You deserve more credit from yourself but just as importantly, you deserve better from your lover. I hope you find that confidence and that partner, whether its from your current husband or someone new.
All my support and cheerleading,
The other you
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
My thoughts on penis size
All penis sizes are good.
There is no need for comparison. Your penis is your own. Live it. Embrace it. Love it.
Small penis, big penis, fat penis, thick penis, short penis, skinny penis, curved penis, straight penis, flaccid penis, turgid penis, twitching penis, long penis, veiny penis, circumcised penis, uncircumsized penis, black penis, white penis, hispanic penis, Indian penis, average penis, below average penis, above average penis, record breaking penis, tiny penis, huge penis, pinky penis, soda can penis... it's all good penis!
Don't worry about yours compared to his or his or his or hers. You can't change your penis -- so why are you worried about it? It's your penis - learn how to work it.
Here's the big secret: confidence in your penis is sexier than the measurements of your penis. Each woman and man is different. Own what you have.
My fiance loves penises in all sizes and shapes. He loves penis.
For the love of your penis: go jerk one off and remember that its YOUR penis. Love your penis, please.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Tony Harris, video games, and the problem of the "geek girl"
Last week, the 'geek world' exploded with the Tony Harris rant about fake geek girls and how they're a pox to the world, etc etc. I'm so sorry not sorry at all I missed the initial outrage on facebook and heard about it when it was a day old and the web of geek girls and their supports came out in droves to criticize his words and very sexist point of view.
My only reaction to Mr. Harris is this pro tip: IF YOU DON'T WANT GIRLS DRESSING UP IN SEXY OUTFITS AT CONS, THEN DON'T DRAW THEM SO SEXY IN THE COMICS MR. ARTIST.
Anyone see the irony, there? He complains about the sexy little skimpy clothing, and yet, I haven't seen anyone point the finger back at him, a famous comic book artist, and ask: Isn't this YOUR fault in the first place? If you had drawn the women as real women and less than a scantily-clad barbie-like superhero, then perhaps these girls wouldn't be TRYing to dress that sexy.
Or maybe, just maybe, he's mad that a lot of the women in cosplay get-up look a hell of a lot better than the male-geek population. After all, how many male geeks can achieve the un-human like nature of Thor and his muscles? Or Superman's triangle body? The Hulk's lack of body fat? Not very many. Let he who is without body-fat cast the first stone...
Let's really get to his point: for Tony Harris, and unfortunately too many others in this world, girls are "fake geeks" and to even be considered for this category of awesome, they must prove themselves. Over and over and over. As a self-proclaimed geek girl myself, I've had it with not being taken seriously in my geek status. I've never met a girl who considers herself a geek without having an actual claim to the title, either. (Another pro tip: Girls who don't like geeks are NOT going to dress up and hang around other geeks. It's like oil and water. Girl geeks don't geek-shame!)
I've been questioned about my knowledge of Star Wars (even though I used to be the #2 expert on a well-known internet knowledge base/forum), my knowledge of computers (even though I've built several -- yes all on my own!), and I've even been told that my "geek glasses aren't enough" to call myself a geek. (I agree -- but don't judge me before you know me, asshole). Oh, and girl gamers? You're probably just a guy playing a girl in the game -- because girl gamers aren't serious gamers. Girls can't appreciate what a REAL gamer is. (Cue endless eyerolling...)
One of myfavorite worst experiences of geek girl shaming was shopping at Fry's Electronics for RAM. I went there with my ex, a tall, pale white male whose appearance generally screamed geek. (Read: relatively poor fashion sense, deathly pale skin, slightly overweight, dexterous fingers from gaming, and a pompous attitude from accomplishing a lot in the online world but little in reality). The RAM was for my computer - which I had recently completed for my first solo build - and I wanted more RAM than the 8 GB I had installed. Rather than buy online from Newegg, I thought I'd give the local big box store a shot to meet my immediate desire. I had a suspicion of what would happen, but the reality was just awful.
We went to the parts area of the store, and looked at the wall of RAM with pricing, etc. In this area of the store, you have to enlist the help of an employee to know if they have stock and order it to the cash register as you don't touch it until you've paid for the product. I found what I wanted, and approached the employee:
Me: "Excuse me?"
Employee: "Yes? Can I help you?"
Me: "I'd like to know if you have an item in stock."
Employee: (looks at my ex) "What were you looking for?"
Me: "I'M looking for RAM, a 4 or 8GB stick."
Employee: (Looks back at my ex) "What kind of RAM?"
Me: (waiting a moment, letting the silence build a moment.) "DDR3 is what I'm looking for."
Employee: (Looks at my ex for confirmation. Ex looks at me. Employee eventually acknowledges my existence). "Ah, ok. Let me check..."
For the rest of our transaction, he talked to me but looked to my ex for confirmation after every sentence and statement. Needless to say, I didn't make my purchase there and avoid that store whenever possible. Every time I'm in there with a male, its assumed I'm the idiot girl who's completely ignorant and doesn't know shit about technology.
As a girl in a man's world, I'm always talked down to. I obviously don't know enough about a topic to be THAT much of an expert. I can't POSSIBLY be THAT into Star Wars -- it just doesn't happen. It's fantasy. To all the doubters and haters, I give you another pro tip: you don't own the title 'geek.' It belongs to MANY people outside of you and your own definition. 'Geek' unfairly assumes he is a pale, fat guy living in his mother's basement who can't socialize outside of the 'geek' circle and is destined to be virgin for life unless he manages to score one time with that really awkward girl that no one really likes.
Is that really who the geeks are? No! Granted, I've met one guy who fit that to a T, but that was one in all my life of geek sharing. If you don't fit that description, remember there are hundreds and thousands out there who all have their own unique way of fitting into the 'geek' way. That brings me to another pro tip: Geeks come in a variety of expertise, so don't pick out ONE factor and JUDGE everyone by that one epitomic definition. Mr. Harris went off on comic book readers and convention attendees - in my opinion, a relatively small corner of the geek market, actually. The thing is, there are TONS of ways you can be a geek, and participating in cosplay or reading comic books are not the "one way to geekdom." Really. Traditionally 'geek' has to do with science fiction, fantasy, and technology. But those areas have broadened considerably, just as the word 'geek' has. You can be a LOTR geek by studying Elvish as part of your doctorate and be completely computer ignorant. You can be a LARPer who also loves all things Superman and know nothing about table-top gaming.
Pro tip: Don't scare away the n00b geeks by telling them how much they #fail at being a geek. Remember, we ALL had to start somewhere in our search for geek. We all learned along the way, and no one knows it all from the beginning. Honestly, being a geek is where you have some specialized knowledge of a topic that holds a lot of value to you, but can and may hold little real-world value (unless you're a lucky one who manages to make a living doing something your geeky self loves. Congrats! you're living a dream so few of us do.)
This brings me to my final pro tip: If any of these "fake geek girls" exist, they are NOT going to spend the time and money required to cosplay just to mess with you; you are NOT that important, so stop the paranoid thinking that reads like this: "OMG, the fake girls are trying to flirt with me! Where's my fake girl x-ray scanner so I can run away from all these hot, nerdy chicks who I swear are lying to me!" Seriously, you sound crazy. And no one, not even geek girls, will like and stay with a crazy person.
Disclaimer: I don't read comic books and I don't really enjoy comic book movies. I don't like the over-dramatized action. It grates on me. I like fantasy and science fiction, but the whole superhero genre is not my thing. But I like a lot of other things.
 |
| Screenshot |
My only reaction to Mr. Harris is this pro tip: IF YOU DON'T WANT GIRLS DRESSING UP IN SEXY OUTFITS AT CONS, THEN DON'T DRAW THEM SO SEXY IN THE COMICS MR. ARTIST.
Anyone see the irony, there? He complains about the sexy little skimpy clothing, and yet, I haven't seen anyone point the finger back at him, a famous comic book artist, and ask: Isn't this YOUR fault in the first place? If you had drawn the women as real women and less than a scantily-clad barbie-like superhero, then perhaps these girls wouldn't be TRYing to dress that sexy.
Or maybe, just maybe, he's mad that a lot of the women in cosplay get-up look a hell of a lot better than the male-geek population. After all, how many male geeks can achieve the un-human like nature of Thor and his muscles? Or Superman's triangle body? The Hulk's lack of body fat? Not very many. Let he who is without body-fat cast the first stone...
Let's really get to his point: for Tony Harris, and unfortunately too many others in this world, girls are "fake geeks" and to even be considered for this category of awesome, they must prove themselves. Over and over and over. As a self-proclaimed geek girl myself, I've had it with not being taken seriously in my geek status. I've never met a girl who considers herself a geek without having an actual claim to the title, either. (Another pro tip: Girls who don't like geeks are NOT going to dress up and hang around other geeks. It's like oil and water. Girl geeks don't geek-shame!)
I've been questioned about my knowledge of Star Wars (even though I used to be the #2 expert on a well-known internet knowledge base/forum), my knowledge of computers (even though I've built several -- yes all on my own!), and I've even been told that my "geek glasses aren't enough" to call myself a geek. (I agree -- but don't judge me before you know me, asshole). Oh, and girl gamers? You're probably just a guy playing a girl in the game -- because girl gamers aren't serious gamers. Girls can't appreciate what a REAL gamer is. (Cue endless eyerolling...)
One of my
We went to the parts area of the store, and looked at the wall of RAM with pricing, etc. In this area of the store, you have to enlist the help of an employee to know if they have stock and order it to the cash register as you don't touch it until you've paid for the product. I found what I wanted, and approached the employee:
Me: "Excuse me?"
Employee: "Yes? Can I help you?"
Me: "I'd like to know if you have an item in stock."
Employee: (looks at my ex) "What were you looking for?"
Me: "I'M looking for RAM, a 4 or 8GB stick."
Employee: (Looks back at my ex) "What kind of RAM?"
Me: (waiting a moment, letting the silence build a moment.) "DDR3 is what I'm looking for."
Employee: (Looks at my ex for confirmation. Ex looks at me. Employee eventually acknowledges my existence). "Ah, ok. Let me check..."
For the rest of our transaction, he talked to me but looked to my ex for confirmation after every sentence and statement. Needless to say, I didn't make my purchase there and avoid that store whenever possible. Every time I'm in there with a male, its assumed I'm the idiot girl who's completely ignorant and doesn't know shit about technology.
As a girl in a man's world, I'm always talked down to. I obviously don't know enough about a topic to be THAT much of an expert. I can't POSSIBLY be THAT into Star Wars -- it just doesn't happen. It's fantasy. To all the doubters and haters, I give you another pro tip: you don't own the title 'geek.' It belongs to MANY people outside of you and your own definition. 'Geek' unfairly assumes he is a pale, fat guy living in his mother's basement who can't socialize outside of the 'geek' circle and is destined to be virgin for life unless he manages to score one time with that really awkward girl that no one really likes.
Is that really who the geeks are? No! Granted, I've met one guy who fit that to a T, but that was one in all my life of geek sharing. If you don't fit that description, remember there are hundreds and thousands out there who all have their own unique way of fitting into the 'geek' way. That brings me to another pro tip: Geeks come in a variety of expertise, so don't pick out ONE factor and JUDGE everyone by that one epitomic definition. Mr. Harris went off on comic book readers and convention attendees - in my opinion, a relatively small corner of the geek market, actually. The thing is, there are TONS of ways you can be a geek, and participating in cosplay or reading comic books are not the "one way to geekdom." Really. Traditionally 'geek' has to do with science fiction, fantasy, and technology. But those areas have broadened considerably, just as the word 'geek' has. You can be a LOTR geek by studying Elvish as part of your doctorate and be completely computer ignorant. You can be a LARPer who also loves all things Superman and know nothing about table-top gaming.
Pro tip: Don't scare away the n00b geeks by telling them how much they #fail at being a geek. Remember, we ALL had to start somewhere in our search for geek. We all learned along the way, and no one knows it all from the beginning. Honestly, being a geek is where you have some specialized knowledge of a topic that holds a lot of value to you, but can and may hold little real-world value (unless you're a lucky one who manages to make a living doing something your geeky self loves. Congrats! you're living a dream so few of us do.)
This brings me to my final pro tip: If any of these "fake geek girls" exist, they are NOT going to spend the time and money required to cosplay just to mess with you; you are NOT that important, so stop the paranoid thinking that reads like this: "OMG, the fake girls are trying to flirt with me! Where's my fake girl x-ray scanner so I can run away from all these hot, nerdy chicks who I swear are lying to me!" Seriously, you sound crazy. And no one, not even geek girls, will like and stay with a crazy person.
Disclaimer: I don't read comic books and I don't really enjoy comic book movies. I don't like the over-dramatized action. It grates on me. I like fantasy and science fiction, but the whole superhero genre is not my thing. But I like a lot of other things.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Reflections
If you were following me on twitter this week, you saw the emotional rollercoaster I was on. Tuesday was a very low point for me, perhaps the lowest I've been since my divorce. I was coming up to a very important work deadline (that happened today) and at the crisis point of "It's not going to happen!"
I knew October would be busy, but the exact number of "top priority" assignments that happened turned into way too many twelve and fourteen hour days, weekend hours, high stress levels, and very little acknowledgement of just how hard I worked to make it all possible. My boss has said repeatedly he believes in having 5 "number 1 priority" assignments and being able to handle it - its part of how he manages. Well, that culminated to Tuesday, partially.
What else happened Tuesday, because I kept it off twitter, was the BF and I were having an argument. A really, really bad one. I was at work, so it all happened in angry texts (never EVER smart) and things were said out of anger and not clarified for hours.
Even in my crappy marriage, I've never fought quite like this. To some that might be surprising, but I think, when you are really in it, it means more to you and you're willing to fight harder for it.
The text that refocused me was this one:
I am sick of your job spilling over and I pay for it with you being crabby with me.
Ouch. I completely deserved that. My mentor frequently tells me that I need to get a handle on my stress. I need to learn to deal with it in a healthy way.
The thing is, I have almost zero healthy ways of dealing with stress. All I do is internalize it until I explode, like I did Tuesday night, into a pile of tears. And wait for it to happen again. It eats at me. I blame myself. I miss sleep. I skip meals. I stop worrying about my appearance. I'm way to focused on "making it better" when all I do is run around like a mad woman, not realizing I'm the problem, not the rest of the world.
For years I've struggled with "boundaries" on what is in my control vs what I think is in my control. Growing up, you just didn't make mistakes. Every mistake was considered "on purpose" and was therefore punishable. It didn't matter if you forgot or simply didn't know. You should have remembered or been smart enough to figure it out. In a way, it turned my sister and I into over-achieving machines. We both had straight A's until college where, if we got a B or B+, we cried over every test and quiz result. I have few fun stories from college because I spent so many hours studying and doing homework and working. I double majored in two degrees with ZERO overlapping credits while working part time and still managed to graduate in four years with a 3.89 GPA.
My career has been no different. If I'm not promoted at least every 18 months, I feel there's something wrong. If I'm not meeting every deadline and exceeding every expectation, there's something wrong.
That's not a bad goal to have, is it? My parents certainly don't think so. But then again, let's review my personal life. I don't exercise. I barely sleep well. I have frequent neck/head aches. I take stress home and turn on those closest to me. My life is backwards!
Tuesday night, he apologized. Then I apologized. And then I admitted something that is so hard to say: I need help. I don't know how to ask for it most of the time, but I'm going to try. I'm going to be vulnerable to him. I'm going to admit I can't do it all and I'm going to try and be open about how bad I am feeling right now.
Like the amazing, incredible man he is, he just held me and said OK. He helped me find words I needed to say, mostly by repeating, "Tell me. Just say it."
Tuesday night, I remembered to tell myself that: I'm human. Dropping the ball and not juggling all top 5 or 8 priorities is not a requirement. I will be OK.
Wednesday I approached work with a "Let's see how it goes and if its late, oh well" approach. Amazingly, more came together that day than the prior days. Accepting my limits helped me be a more stable and capable worker.
After being fingered to orgasm three times then fucked for at least 10 minutes with legs in all sorts of positions, I feel asleep reflecting on how giving up my insane need to juggle it all actually made me happy and productive. I realized what I needed: more self-acceptance and I needed to make time for myself.
Then I remembered what Kendra Holliday tweeted earlier about Maslow's hierarchy of needs: Your goal should be to reach the tip! The only way to do that is be authentic & think for yourself. Ditch the shame!
Fuck. In Maslow's hierarchy, I was living in "Safety" and flirting with Love/Belonging. At work I had Esteem, but I was nowhere near close to the top. I needed more.
I have a spare room that contains rubbermaid bins and an exercise bike. A dusty, exercise bike. Also, a yoga mat I've never used. The walls are all white. I never go in there. But what if I cleared out the bins and bought some paint? What if I bought a giant pillow for sitting on while I do some calming meditation? What if I painted half the room day and the other half night in a beautiful outdoor setting? What if the theme and purpose of that room was: peace. self-awareness. self-love.
What if I actually made myself a priority and put myself ahead of work -- only to discover what others have told me will happen -- so I can be truly successful as myself in all aspects of life?
I'm going to give it a try.
I knew October would be busy, but the exact number of "top priority" assignments that happened turned into way too many twelve and fourteen hour days, weekend hours, high stress levels, and very little acknowledgement of just how hard I worked to make it all possible. My boss has said repeatedly he believes in having 5 "number 1 priority" assignments and being able to handle it - its part of how he manages. Well, that culminated to Tuesday, partially.
What else happened Tuesday, because I kept it off twitter, was the BF and I were having an argument. A really, really bad one. I was at work, so it all happened in angry texts (never EVER smart) and things were said out of anger and not clarified for hours.
Even in my crappy marriage, I've never fought quite like this. To some that might be surprising, but I think, when you are really in it, it means more to you and you're willing to fight harder for it.
The text that refocused me was this one:
I am sick of your job spilling over and I pay for it with you being crabby with me.
Ouch. I completely deserved that. My mentor frequently tells me that I need to get a handle on my stress. I need to learn to deal with it in a healthy way.
The thing is, I have almost zero healthy ways of dealing with stress. All I do is internalize it until I explode, like I did Tuesday night, into a pile of tears. And wait for it to happen again. It eats at me. I blame myself. I miss sleep. I skip meals. I stop worrying about my appearance. I'm way to focused on "making it better" when all I do is run around like a mad woman, not realizing I'm the problem, not the rest of the world.
For years I've struggled with "boundaries" on what is in my control vs what I think is in my control. Growing up, you just didn't make mistakes. Every mistake was considered "on purpose" and was therefore punishable. It didn't matter if you forgot or simply didn't know. You should have remembered or been smart enough to figure it out. In a way, it turned my sister and I into over-achieving machines. We both had straight A's until college where, if we got a B or B+, we cried over every test and quiz result. I have few fun stories from college because I spent so many hours studying and doing homework and working. I double majored in two degrees with ZERO overlapping credits while working part time and still managed to graduate in four years with a 3.89 GPA.
My career has been no different. If I'm not promoted at least every 18 months, I feel there's something wrong. If I'm not meeting every deadline and exceeding every expectation, there's something wrong.
That's not a bad goal to have, is it? My parents certainly don't think so. But then again, let's review my personal life. I don't exercise. I barely sleep well. I have frequent neck/head aches. I take stress home and turn on those closest to me. My life is backwards!
Tuesday night, he apologized. Then I apologized. And then I admitted something that is so hard to say: I need help. I don't know how to ask for it most of the time, but I'm going to try. I'm going to be vulnerable to him. I'm going to admit I can't do it all and I'm going to try and be open about how bad I am feeling right now.
Like the amazing, incredible man he is, he just held me and said OK. He helped me find words I needed to say, mostly by repeating, "Tell me. Just say it."
Tuesday night, I remembered to tell myself that: I'm human. Dropping the ball and not juggling all top 5 or 8 priorities is not a requirement. I will be OK.
Wednesday I approached work with a "Let's see how it goes and if its late, oh well" approach. Amazingly, more came together that day than the prior days. Accepting my limits helped me be a more stable and capable worker.
After being fingered to orgasm three times then fucked for at least 10 minutes with legs in all sorts of positions, I feel asleep reflecting on how giving up my insane need to juggle it all actually made me happy and productive. I realized what I needed: more self-acceptance and I needed to make time for myself.
 |
| Source: Wikimedia Commons |
Then I remembered what Kendra Holliday tweeted earlier about Maslow's hierarchy of needs: Your goal should be to reach the tip! The only way to do that is be authentic & think for yourself. Ditch the shame!
Fuck. In Maslow's hierarchy, I was living in "Safety" and flirting with Love/Belonging. At work I had Esteem, but I was nowhere near close to the top. I needed more.
I have a spare room that contains rubbermaid bins and an exercise bike. A dusty, exercise bike. Also, a yoga mat I've never used. The walls are all white. I never go in there. But what if I cleared out the bins and bought some paint? What if I bought a giant pillow for sitting on while I do some calming meditation? What if I painted half the room day and the other half night in a beautiful outdoor setting? What if the theme and purpose of that room was: peace. self-awareness. self-love.
What if I actually made myself a priority and put myself ahead of work -- only to discover what others have told me will happen -- so I can be truly successful as myself in all aspects of life?
I'm going to give it a try.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Formspring Friday: Self acceptance and Pegging
Q. I know this is supposed to be for questions, but I just wanted to thank you for doing this blog. I've had issues believing in myself, and that someone out there would find me attractive. Your blog has inspired me to not give up and keep moving forward.
I'm so glad to hear your confidence is growing! I'm so happy to hear the feedback, even if it is anonymous. I used to feel the same way, in fact I've had quite a journey of self-acceptance as you can reading in "Being sex positive part 1" and "part two." I've learned that the world is full of people who enjoy a variety of things; we all can find someone (or many someones) who find you attractive. If anything, I would say a lack of self-confidence is holding you back more than any physical quality you're unsure of.
Believe in yourself! I hope you find someone who can help you, but realize the world is a big place and if you haven't found someone yet, there's always tomorrow. (Cheesy and cliched message aside, I REALLY mean that!). Find what you do like about yourself and then find reasons to like more of you. I've had terrible confidence in my body for years, but man does my BF love every bit of me, even the parts I'm not so fond of. But they are a part of me - And I rock.
I'm not sure if you're male/female/other or what in particular has you concerned, but check out these tumblr lists for some body-positive views:
http://unhungheroes.tumblr.com/ - dedicated to the smaller penises in the world
http://lovemyvagina.tumblr.com/ - showing the variety of vulva's in the world
http://onlycutechubbygirls.tumblr.com/ and http://onlycutechubbygirlsxxx.tumblr.com/ - both dedicated to the "chubby" and BBW's
http://boobsmall.tumblr.com/ - celebrating small boobs! Small boobs are beautiful.
http://redaddict.tumblr.com/ - Redheads and gingers only - and boy are they adored
http://txperv.tumblr.com/ - real life amateur sex shots of anyone
http://fuckyeahgeekgirls.com/ - geek girls!
http://samberrilicious.tumblr.com/ - probably my favorite tumblr voice on being body positive and OK with the body you have - thin, skinny, chubby, fat, whatever!
I'm sure there are plenty more out there that I haven't seen. Trust me, you're sexy and someone out there is looking for you. Don't give up!
Q. I want my wife to peg me, but I don't think she'll be into it. Any advice?
I have a ton of advice!
First - TALK to her about it. Tell her what you want, why you want it, when you want to do it, how you'd like to do it. There's no need for flip charts or presentations, but just say it. Until you do, it will be this big thing in your mind and all you will do is think of how big and how wrong it might be.
Communication is key. If you can't talk about why you want it, you'll never make it to selecting the toys or even trying it together for the first time. Talk, talk talk.
It shouldn't be a "I need you to do this for me" or "Guess what we're going to try..." Don't assume she's a yes, but also don't assume she'll freak out on you and say no to it. Approach it as "I've been thinking..." or "Lately I've thought about..." and just spill it. Don't use euphemisms or avoid words like "peg" "fuck" "ass" "dildo." It might lead to confusion. You want this: own it. Show confidence in why you want to do this, but more importantly why HER involvement is so important to you. There are few things sexier than a man telling you why he wants YOU to do something with him.
Anything beyond talking will depend on how the talk with your wife goes. She may be excited, she might be uncertain, or it could freak her out. Whatever her reaction is, don't react out of anger or disappointment. She might need time to think about it and consider it. She may need to do research to realize it is done A LOT, just no one talks about it.
This is a dialogue, keep it that way. Reacting and starting an argument will only make the topic that much more controversial and result in a dislike of it. Just be patient.
Make it a point to talk about her wants and desires. Hopefully this isn't the first open and honest talk about sex you've had -- so you should have some topics of your own. What would she like to try? How often do you use toys on her? Make this an exciting thing for you both to discover.
If she's up for it, send her to some blogs like my own that talk about pegging from a woman's perspective so she can see it for herself. Above all, make sure she knows its about you and you want to experience it with her.
If it doesn't go well, don't hold it against her. Not everyone is into everything. Things might change down the road or they may not. If not, then I guess you'll be buying some dildos or plugs to use on your own!
I'm so glad to hear your confidence is growing! I'm so happy to hear the feedback, even if it is anonymous. I used to feel the same way, in fact I've had quite a journey of self-acceptance as you can reading in "Being sex positive part 1" and "part two." I've learned that the world is full of people who enjoy a variety of things; we all can find someone (or many someones) who find you attractive. If anything, I would say a lack of self-confidence is holding you back more than any physical quality you're unsure of.
Believe in yourself! I hope you find someone who can help you, but realize the world is a big place and if you haven't found someone yet, there's always tomorrow. (Cheesy and cliched message aside, I REALLY mean that!). Find what you do like about yourself and then find reasons to like more of you. I've had terrible confidence in my body for years, but man does my BF love every bit of me, even the parts I'm not so fond of. But they are a part of me - And I rock.
I'm not sure if you're male/female/other or what in particular has you concerned, but check out these tumblr lists for some body-positive views:
http://unhungheroes.tumblr.com/ - dedicated to the smaller penises in the world
http://lovemyvagina.tumblr.com/ - showing the variety of vulva's in the world
http://onlycutechubbygirls.tumblr.com/ and http://onlycutechubbygirlsxxx.tumblr.com/ - both dedicated to the "chubby" and BBW's
http://boobsmall.tumblr.com/ - celebrating small boobs! Small boobs are beautiful.
http://redaddict.tumblr.com/ - Redheads and gingers only - and boy are they adored
http://txperv.tumblr.com/ - real life amateur sex shots of anyone
http://fuckyeahgeekgirls.com/ - geek girls!
http://samberrilicious.tumblr.com/ - probably my favorite tumblr voice on being body positive and OK with the body you have - thin, skinny, chubby, fat, whatever!
I'm sure there are plenty more out there that I haven't seen. Trust me, you're sexy and someone out there is looking for you. Don't give up!
Q. I want my wife to peg me, but I don't think she'll be into it. Any advice?
I have a ton of advice!
First - TALK to her about it. Tell her what you want, why you want it, when you want to do it, how you'd like to do it. There's no need for flip charts or presentations, but just say it. Until you do, it will be this big thing in your mind and all you will do is think of how big and how wrong it might be.
Communication is key. If you can't talk about why you want it, you'll never make it to selecting the toys or even trying it together for the first time. Talk, talk talk.
It shouldn't be a "I need you to do this for me" or "Guess what we're going to try..." Don't assume she's a yes, but also don't assume she'll freak out on you and say no to it. Approach it as "I've been thinking..." or "Lately I've thought about..." and just spill it. Don't use euphemisms or avoid words like "peg" "fuck" "ass" "dildo." It might lead to confusion. You want this: own it. Show confidence in why you want to do this, but more importantly why HER involvement is so important to you. There are few things sexier than a man telling you why he wants YOU to do something with him.
Anything beyond talking will depend on how the talk with your wife goes. She may be excited, she might be uncertain, or it could freak her out. Whatever her reaction is, don't react out of anger or disappointment. She might need time to think about it and consider it. She may need to do research to realize it is done A LOT, just no one talks about it.
This is a dialogue, keep it that way. Reacting and starting an argument will only make the topic that much more controversial and result in a dislike of it. Just be patient.
Make it a point to talk about her wants and desires. Hopefully this isn't the first open and honest talk about sex you've had -- so you should have some topics of your own. What would she like to try? How often do you use toys on her? Make this an exciting thing for you both to discover.
If she's up for it, send her to some blogs like my own that talk about pegging from a woman's perspective so she can see it for herself. Above all, make sure she knows its about you and you want to experience it with her.
If it doesn't go well, don't hold it against her. Not everyone is into everything. Things might change down the road or they may not. If not, then I guess you'll be buying some dildos or plugs to use on your own!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Review: Passionate U
A few weeks ago, I was offered the chance to review the website www.passionateU.com. I've followed this website since I joined twitter late last fall and have wanted the opportunity to watch their videos ever since. When the opportunity arose to have a free 2-week trial to the website in exchange for an honest review, I immediately agreed.
I will start by saying I completely underestimated the value of this website. If I could offer a sex-ed course to every person on the planet, it would be made up of many videos from this website. (Every person would benefit, even though they may not all appreciate it!) This video has a great mix of topics (discussed further below) and not all of them contain nudity. The experts for these videos contain a mix of sex educators and porn performers as well as sex researchers. Some of the experts I found were also those whose real-world lives I admire (and follow on twitter) such as Courtney Trouble, Ned and Maggie Mayhem, and ReidAboutSex.
The variety of videos on this website is fantastic. They cover many topics about and relating to sex. Some of the topics include: how to have a difficult relationship talk, how to masturbate (separate videos for male- and female-bodied persons), legal considerations for polyamory, how an uncut penis can be played with, tickling, making out, the importance of foreplay, different ways of spanking, sex with disability, strap-on sex, how to use condoms, and much, much more. Three of my favorite topics were:
1. Deep-Throating. ReidAboutSex has a video about deep-throating (one of several deep-throating videos on the site) that really drove home some clear points about deep-throating. Actually, it was this video that enabled me to deep-throat the boyfriend for the first time! I watched all of the deep-throating videos, but this one I watched several times and really found the tips useful. And for those tips, the boyfriend and myself will be forever grateful.
2. Squirting/G-spot play: I was very happy to find that there are MANY video's about squirting and G-spot play on this site. Many of these are multi-part videos that are 6-10 minutes each. The experts are in pairs with one working their fingers or toy while the other is the receiver. What is so great about these (and all pair/group videos on this website) is it is part live example, part lesson. Each step is explained by the experts and why. What kind of stimulation does the receiver like? What motion is the giver doing inside and why? What does it feel like for both of them? What I really liked about these videos is that the receivers were different women who had entirely different perspectives and experiences with squirting. I am in a passionate pursuit of squirting myself, so it was refreshing to hear some perspectives that differed from anything else I've heard before.
3. What to expect from a pelvic exam: This video uses a mold to show the different steps and tools that take place during a female pelvic exam. The expert uses the tools and explains each step of the process, including modeling the finger movements the doctor will do and explaining its importance. This video contains no nudity, which makes it very appropriate for any female who is undergoing pelvic exams. I was fortunate to have a doctor who explained each step of the process during my first pap smear at 13, but if she had not, I would have been very frightened and surprised at all of the steps. This video makes the exam very straightforward and non-threatening. What great information! One great point the expert makes is that you can bring your own lube to the exam if you are concerned about glycerin (or, I would add, parabens).
The site lets you set your own curriculum of videos you want to watch or you can watch some of their pre-arranged curriculum which gathers all or most video's on a topic and lists them for you to follow. There is also a friendly search feature for you to find and browse through your topics at your leisure.
The only criticism I have of the website is that the volume of the videos can vary greatly between the different videos, so be ready to adjust your speaker volume from video to video! Overall, this isn't a terrible thing and it speaks to the originality of the videos where each was filmed separately and in different locations or settings; really, it's an annoying detail but completely unimportant compared to the quality of information that can be found in the videos.
Thinking of trying Passionate U? They have a free page where you can try out some of their videos and see how helpful they are. In fact, the video I mentioned in #3 is in their free section, so you can watch it yourself for free. (men, if you've ever been curious... here's your chance to understand!)
This website is an incredible source of knowledge for dating, relationships, and, yes, sex. It covers every topic in a straightforward, no-nonsense manner that has a reassuring, non-threatening tone. Sex is normal. Masturbation is normal. Want some tips on how to try new things? Or improve your existing skill set? This website is a great investment to do just that.
Disclaimer: I was given a free 2-week membership to passionateu.com in exchange for unique and fair review of the website. While the membership was free, this review is entirely my own.
I will start by saying I completely underestimated the value of this website. If I could offer a sex-ed course to every person on the planet, it would be made up of many videos from this website. (Every person would benefit, even though they may not all appreciate it!) This video has a great mix of topics (discussed further below) and not all of them contain nudity. The experts for these videos contain a mix of sex educators and porn performers as well as sex researchers. Some of the experts I found were also those whose real-world lives I admire (and follow on twitter) such as Courtney Trouble, Ned and Maggie Mayhem, and ReidAboutSex.
The variety of videos on this website is fantastic. They cover many topics about and relating to sex. Some of the topics include: how to have a difficult relationship talk, how to masturbate (separate videos for male- and female-bodied persons), legal considerations for polyamory, how an uncut penis can be played with, tickling, making out, the importance of foreplay, different ways of spanking, sex with disability, strap-on sex, how to use condoms, and much, much more. Three of my favorite topics were:
1. Deep-Throating. ReidAboutSex has a video about deep-throating (one of several deep-throating videos on the site) that really drove home some clear points about deep-throating. Actually, it was this video that enabled me to deep-throat the boyfriend for the first time! I watched all of the deep-throating videos, but this one I watched several times and really found the tips useful. And for those tips, the boyfriend and myself will be forever grateful.
2. Squirting/G-spot play: I was very happy to find that there are MANY video's about squirting and G-spot play on this site. Many of these are multi-part videos that are 6-10 minutes each. The experts are in pairs with one working their fingers or toy while the other is the receiver. What is so great about these (and all pair/group videos on this website) is it is part live example, part lesson. Each step is explained by the experts and why. What kind of stimulation does the receiver like? What motion is the giver doing inside and why? What does it feel like for both of them? What I really liked about these videos is that the receivers were different women who had entirely different perspectives and experiences with squirting. I am in a passionate pursuit of squirting myself, so it was refreshing to hear some perspectives that differed from anything else I've heard before.
3. What to expect from a pelvic exam: This video uses a mold to show the different steps and tools that take place during a female pelvic exam. The expert uses the tools and explains each step of the process, including modeling the finger movements the doctor will do and explaining its importance. This video contains no nudity, which makes it very appropriate for any female who is undergoing pelvic exams. I was fortunate to have a doctor who explained each step of the process during my first pap smear at 13, but if she had not, I would have been very frightened and surprised at all of the steps. This video makes the exam very straightforward and non-threatening. What great information! One great point the expert makes is that you can bring your own lube to the exam if you are concerned about glycerin (or, I would add, parabens).
The site lets you set your own curriculum of videos you want to watch or you can watch some of their pre-arranged curriculum which gathers all or most video's on a topic and lists them for you to follow. There is also a friendly search feature for you to find and browse through your topics at your leisure.
The only criticism I have of the website is that the volume of the videos can vary greatly between the different videos, so be ready to adjust your speaker volume from video to video! Overall, this isn't a terrible thing and it speaks to the originality of the videos where each was filmed separately and in different locations or settings; really, it's an annoying detail but completely unimportant compared to the quality of information that can be found in the videos.
Thinking of trying Passionate U? They have a free page where you can try out some of their videos and see how helpful they are. In fact, the video I mentioned in #3 is in their free section, so you can watch it yourself for free. (men, if you've ever been curious... here's your chance to understand!)
This website is an incredible source of knowledge for dating, relationships, and, yes, sex. It covers every topic in a straightforward, no-nonsense manner that has a reassuring, non-threatening tone. Sex is normal. Masturbation is normal. Want some tips on how to try new things? Or improve your existing skill set? This website is a great investment to do just that.
Disclaimer: I was given a free 2-week membership to passionateu.com in exchange for unique and fair review of the website. While the membership was free, this review is entirely my own.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Formspring Friday: Penis size
Q. What is your opinion on penis size?
I'm glad you asked for my opinion - because there is no right answer. I have a friend who says, "If it doesn't hurt, then it's not worth it!" I'm NOT that kind of gal. So, let me give you some history, and then my thoughts.
I am in my mid-20's, and have only had experience with 2 penis's. Surprised? I'm not sure if its rare/typical, each person has their story. My first penis was the smaller one - I'd call it 5 inches from what I remember. I call it the "smaller" one because that's what it is - smaller than what I have now. That being said, its actually the average length for a penis. My BF's penis is about 8 inches. Yes - that is a big step up, and I honestly love it. I can take him balls deep in my pussy, but I can't deep throat him all the way - my gag reflex is still trying to cope with the length. At 8inches I can grip his dick with both hands (one on top of another covering as much dick as possible) and still have the head showing.
So is bigger better? No, not necessarily. In my experience its what you DO with what you have that is way more important than what you have. I don't care if you have a 10 inch thick penis - if you are clueless on how to please a women, or how to even ask how to please her, then I'm probably not going to be satisfied. One thing I like about my BF is that he can make me cum just by fucking me. It's probably a combination of penis-length (I love being filled) and technique... but I'd say technique is more important. He certainly knows how to fuck with his whole body - its not just thrusting, but its kissing and hands and talk and positions and leverage and placement. Everything.
What about girth? Girth is important. Too skinny, and you might feel like you're a dick flapping in a sticky, wet, wind tunnel. Too wide, and you might not get very far without a ton of lube and foreplay - and for some girls even that is too much. I had a friend who had to ice her pussy after the first several times with a guy - he was just too wide for her. (Don't worry my girthy friends, they were able to work it out and are together.) Is there a perfect girth? I have no idea. I really can't answer this - it might vary by girl, it might vary by experience. I'm happy with my BF's girth - it fills me up, fucks me to no end, and can just fit in my mouth (sometimes it does get too big where I can barely get it in, I will say).
OK - penis size. You know what, I don't think it matters. Infinitely more important is your confidence, paying attention to her satisfaction, and learning how she can and likes to cum. All of that trumps size... size is relative and it really depends on the lady. When I was with the smaller dick, I would cum during sex with clit stimulation while being fucked. Even today they remain the best intercourse orgasms.
Worried? Stop it. Just fuck him/her already.
I'm glad you asked for my opinion - because there is no right answer. I have a friend who says, "If it doesn't hurt, then it's not worth it!" I'm NOT that kind of gal. So, let me give you some history, and then my thoughts.
I am in my mid-20's, and have only had experience with 2 penis's. Surprised? I'm not sure if its rare/typical, each person has their story. My first penis was the smaller one - I'd call it 5 inches from what I remember. I call it the "smaller" one because that's what it is - smaller than what I have now. That being said, its actually the average length for a penis. My BF's penis is about 8 inches. Yes - that is a big step up, and I honestly love it. I can take him balls deep in my pussy, but I can't deep throat him all the way - my gag reflex is still trying to cope with the length. At 8inches I can grip his dick with both hands (one on top of another covering as much dick as possible) and still have the head showing.
So is bigger better? No, not necessarily. In my experience its what you DO with what you have that is way more important than what you have. I don't care if you have a 10 inch thick penis - if you are clueless on how to please a women, or how to even ask how to please her, then I'm probably not going to be satisfied. One thing I like about my BF is that he can make me cum just by fucking me. It's probably a combination of penis-length (I love being filled) and technique... but I'd say technique is more important. He certainly knows how to fuck with his whole body - its not just thrusting, but its kissing and hands and talk and positions and leverage and placement. Everything.
OK - penis size. You know what, I don't think it matters. Infinitely more important is your confidence, paying attention to her satisfaction, and learning how she can and likes to cum. All of that trumps size... size is relative and it really depends on the lady. When I was with the smaller dick, I would cum during sex with clit stimulation while being fucked. Even today they remain the best intercourse orgasms.
Worried? Stop it. Just fuck him/her already.
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