Note: This letter, while in response to a post an anonymous post at Molly's Daily Kiss called I am Ugly, is something I think any woman may need to read at some point. This is to all of us, when we feel 'ugly.'
Dear Ugly,
You are not alone. You may feel alone, but that does not mean that you are alone in your experience. Despite the wide reaches of the internet, its still possible to feel very lonely. Please hear me out as a sister of your suffering.
You and I are very similar.
I am also overweight. You are nearly 50 lbs overweight, I am over 90 lbs according to the published BMI ranges for my height. It's not a fun place to be. Some days its hard to look in the mirror. Your fat jeans become your normal jeans. And then your new fat jeans are the next size up and you can't believe you've jumped another size. Getting back to where you were seems like a hard, dangerous road. It's long, lonely, and difficult.
I also have too much hair on my body. I have PCOS, which means I have way more testosterone in my body than a woman should. I pluck every day to keep my chin hair, neck hair, mustache hair, and eyebrow hairs in check. I don't do a good job at it. I hate it when my lover notices if I missed a hair. Sometimes my facial hair grows really long, just one long strand on my face that is invisible until my lover tries to brush it away only to realize its connected. I have a happy trail I have to shave away. I have so much pubic hair I have to shave or wax or I get rashes from all the hair and the sweat it retains from the day. If I don't shave my legs every day, you can see it. I have more underarm hair than my male lover. I have to pluck hair from my nipples. I have hair on my toes, so much so that both lovers in my life have called me "hobbit." I struggle every day with my hair.
I have ugly stretch marks all over my thighs and stomach from two periods of depression in my life where I gained weight so fast. Now they won't go away. If a swimsuit is humiliating, then a swimsuit with long stretch marks down your thighs is even more so, because I'd have to wear men's shorts to hide them. So I stopped swimming.
Like you, I had a lover who found my body useful for sex but found parts of it unattractive. He didn't want whole parts of me. The sex was awful and I dreaded it. He gave me compliments, but the words were flat, empty, and meaningless. They were tokens of something that wasn't there. I tried to call him on it, but it just caused problems.
So, Ugly, we are not that different. In some ways, we live and have lived the same life. But that is where the similarities end.
Unlike you, I do not think I am ugly. In fact, I've found that I'm a beautiful person. I'm more round that I'd like to be, but I have beautiful breasts (saggy though they may be as DDs) and a big ass (cellulite, hairy ass crack, and all). I may have lots of hair, but its a nice brown color where I don't remove it. My body is high maintenance. My skin is always dry and my scalp is flaky no matter what products I use. I just make the best of it.
But I like my body. I try to take care of it. Even though I'm overweight I won't give up trying to lose that weight, even if PCOS makes it harder for me.
I found confidence by looking in the mirror and making myself say one positive thing about myself ten times each day. Even now I look in the mirror and remind myself how pretty my eyes are. I joined twitter and blogging and saw that there were women whose bodies were similar to mine that many (not everyone) though was beautiful.
That's the beauty of this world. There are so many types of bodies with all sorts of features; everyone has an admirer. If you don't believe me, go browse porn or tumblr. The variety is greater than I ever imagined.
But here's the biggest difference between us: how you treat yourself and see yourself tells others how to treat you. It is not your fault that you lover and partner is a complete asshole when it comes to showing affection towards you. It is, however, your fault for letting it continue as long as it has.
Relationships have ups and downs and attraction and frequency of sex may change through the years, but there is never an excuse for a partner to not comfort you, not look after your emotional well being, and to make sure you are pursued and loved.
That is betrayal. You think that another could never find you attractive. You're doomed to a life alone and unwanted. Who doomed you to such a fate? There is no wicked witch in this lifetime. Only you could choose that future -- so why are you so resigned to take it? There is another option.
You can find a new future. It can be whatever you want. I broke off a 6 year marriage and 9 year relationship with my former lover. He was my first kiss, my first everything. He broke my heart. I was right there in your shoes, willing to live and die because I promised I would always stay. But what about his promise? Didn't he promise to love and cherish also? Isn't that promise just as broken when my heart is in pieces? Did I promise to stay with in unhappy, unfulfilled life no matter what? No.
You don't have to stay in this. You have a say in whatever happens to you. You can be resigned to your life of not being appreciated for who you are, but I promise you there is someone out there who would love you and appreciate you more for who you are. They would love every part of your body, flabby, fat, hairy, or not.
I certainly found one. And he loves every single hairy, flabby, stretched mark part of me. He loves those parts of me so much I've cried during sex from the powerful emotions.
And to think I almost never knew because I was almost too scared to think I deserved better.
You deserve better, too. You deserve more credit from yourself but just as importantly, you deserve better from your lover. I hope you find that confidence and that partner, whether its from your current husband or someone new.
All my support and cheerleading,
The other you
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Thursday, October 25, 2012
No reason to rush
So, what happened to "The Rule"?
If you're unfamiliar with "The Rule" you can catch up on your reading here (where the Rule was introduced) and here (where the practicality of the Rule was questioned). Here's a quick recap:
The Rule was that we would be together a full year before we even considered the next step of our relationship: lifelong commitment, marriage, etc. We wanted to make sure we had seen and experienced a year together - all the ups and downs, real life, all those moments of reality that you should experience to really know someone.
Well, that year mark passed a few months ago. So, now what?
Well, we're just avoiding it for now. We do know a few things: this relationship is what we both want, forever. We do plan to get married one day. We want kids. We want to grow old together. We've actually known all this for months and all that rule breaking was hinting at it.
We do know a few things -- like we both want a proposal. I want one for the ultimate, romantic moment with my future, well, you know. I want the ring and sweet words. Why is it important? It just is for me.
It's important for him, too. His prior marriage did not start with a proposal. It was not romantic and not sweet - it was more of a demand from her which he agreed to. He wants to propose and ask me to be his. (Cue the "awwwws").
OK, so what's the wait? Well, its mostly financial at this point. He wants to buy a ring and he just started working after months of unemployment. He needs time. We can't even begin to afford a wedding and I don't want to be engaged for a long period of time. I also don't want to get engaged on day 366 of our relationship, or even day 400. (OK, those dates have passed, but you get my drift.)
We don't talk much about it. We know it will happen. For now, we're just going on in life.
OK, so I think about it and I know what kind of ring I want. And he's seen it/them. He still calls me Mrs. ____. We can't help ourselves!
If you're unfamiliar with "The Rule" you can catch up on your reading here (where the Rule was introduced) and here (where the practicality of the Rule was questioned). Here's a quick recap:
The Rule was that we would be together a full year before we even considered the next step of our relationship: lifelong commitment, marriage, etc. We wanted to make sure we had seen and experienced a year together - all the ups and downs, real life, all those moments of reality that you should experience to really know someone.
Well, that year mark passed a few months ago. So, now what?
Well, we're just avoiding it for now. We do know a few things: this relationship is what we both want, forever. We do plan to get married one day. We want kids. We want to grow old together. We've actually known all this for months and all that rule breaking was hinting at it.
We do know a few things -- like we both want a proposal. I want one for the ultimate, romantic moment with my future, well, you know. I want the ring and sweet words. Why is it important? It just is for me.
It's important for him, too. His prior marriage did not start with a proposal. It was not romantic and not sweet - it was more of a demand from her which he agreed to. He wants to propose and ask me to be his. (Cue the "awwwws").
OK, so what's the wait? Well, its mostly financial at this point. He wants to buy a ring and he just started working after months of unemployment. He needs time. We can't even begin to afford a wedding and I don't want to be engaged for a long period of time. I also don't want to get engaged on day 366 of our relationship, or even day 400. (OK, those dates have passed, but you get my drift.)
We don't talk much about it. We know it will happen. For now, we're just going on in life.
OK, so I think about it and I know what kind of ring I want. And he's seen it/them. He still calls me Mrs. ____. We can't help ourselves!
Saturday, October 20, 2012
I still believe in marriage
What is so wrong with marriage?
Lately, I've noticed this huge trend on twitter where people speak out against marriage. Statements like "Wedding dress - RED RED RED" or "The day you get married is the day you die." I don't know the stories of the people who tweet these. Perhaps they were married once and it was so awful they think the whole idea is for the dogs. (Pets marrying is, I think, a really stupid idea).
I've had a marriage that was less than stellar. From what I've heard in feedback via comments and twitter, a lot of people can relate and have similar stories. Sometimes its a choice made out of stupidity, youth, being blind to reality, or sheer hope that things could change. Maybe you and your partner change so much that marriage just doesn't make sense anymore.
So, is there even a point to getting married?
Yes, I think so. I read a recent blog article by Mr. Masquerade and he is very cynical about marriage and even long term relationships. In his view, it is too restricting and you lose your independence and sense of self. You risk your dreams for someone else. And how can anyone realistically promise to love someone and stay loyal forever, when you don't know who you'll be in 5 years? It seems that the only risk and reward to marriage is giving up so much of yourself and potentially hating your own life and resenting your partner.
Yes, those are all risks - if you do not choose your partner right or enter marriage/that relationship with the wrong view. I've already promised and then broken that promise before I'm 30. So has my boyfriend.
So why in the world would we do it all again? Well, here are my NUMBER reasons for why I still believe in marriage:
1. We've seen it work. Both sets of our parents have the same story: married too young, grew up very quickly, divorced, and then met their real life partner. Its not the ideal path and its certainly not the only way to choose a partner, but the end result is the same: His parents have been together 35 years and mine have been married 29. Both sets of my grandparents were married for 50+ years until a spouse died We've both witnessed marriage that last and are happy. A happy, loving marriage can happen, so why not for me or you?
2. I've learned from the past. What went wrong in my first marriage does not have to (nor do I intend it to) repeat itself in any future relationships. I've learned from my mistakes. Each person, hopefully, takes some learning from a relationship that did not work out. This is why you date and learn to filter out what you like/don't like about someone and use it for the next person. I learned I need a kinky sex life, flirting and attraction is much more important than I ever thought, and setting a standard for yourself is OK. I didn't deserve someone to make me feel bad about normal parts of my body. I didn't have to stay with someone who took me and my contributions for granted. I wanted someone who would be an equal contributor to our household - equal in terms of effort, not money.
3. I can be realistic. People are, by definition, fallible. At some point someone's going to mess up and you're going to argue. Misunderstandings, miscommunications, disagreements, and arguments are all a part of LIFE. The trouble with a relationship is you have to learn how to work through this and not let it break you. I've seen couples break up over some really stupid things. If any relationship is going to work, you have to understand the whole person: not just the good that you love, but the bad that will come with it. I have flaws, so does my BF. Every day we work around them and every day we make it.
4. It's not about losing, it's about gaining. Going from Ms. to Mrs. does not mean I am giving up who I am. I am bringing all of me into a relationship and I am being joined by someone bringing all of himself. He knows what I want in life. I know what he wants. We both have goals, together and separate. Marriage is about supporting one another in those goals. Yes, that may mean I have to put my goals on hold why he works on something or we work on something together. This delay would not exist if I were single, but I am gaining the opportunity to support the person I love most in the this world to do something they want - how could I not support that? And he will do the same for me. I'm gaining my own cheerleader, support system, advice-giver, listener, cook, cleaner, errand-runner, bill-payer, back-rubber, friend, and travel companion. What am I losing that compares to all that? Not much.
5. It's easier, legally speaking. Let's be honest: marriage makes everything (most things?) easier, legally speaking. No one questions the "husband" or "wife" when an important decision needs to be made. In case of a medical emergency, that is the person I want by my side and making decisions if I'm incapacitated. I get tax breaks for being married. Even in death its easier to divvy up belongings if you're married and have a legal claim to it rather than "but we've been together for X years." Time together does not a marriage make (common law marriage excluded of course). For those reasons alone, I want marriage -- and its a major reason why gay marriage is important. It's not always about love and romance. It's just practical.
6. It's two against the world. When you're married, you have a partner, another half of a couple. Together you face whatever happens in life. That person is your source of comfort and joy. They are there to take the stress off you if they can just as you would do the same. It's best friends with deep, emotional benefits. To put it in geek terms, you are the tank to the other's healer. It's about partnership and using your strengths to bolster each other and face life decisions together.
7. It's making a public promise. There's a reason why a lot of marriages start with a wedding: there's something beautiful about two people publicly declaring they are going to spend their lives together. I'm not here to say whether you should write your vows to say "forever" or "until we decide otherwise." I've seen both and its really up to you what you want to promise. The thing is, marriage is a contract. It has to be upheld by both parties to be valid. Both parties are saying they will do X and Y and Z and therefore will expect X and Y and Z in return. You decide what X and Y and Z includes. Vows are not one size fits all and not all vows are public. Do you have to promise to love only that person forever? Not if you're polyamourous. Do you have to promise to fuck only your partner forever? Not if you're a swinger. Your marriage, your rules.
8. I promise to try. Change happens. It's not always easy and it may not be what you expect. As time progresses, so do we. We change in our relationships, in our jobs, in our preferences. As we age our priorities might change. Having a child may introduce a whole new side of you - the parent you - you didn't know existed. This might be where marriage is kicked hardest in the nuts. We've all seen or heard stories of "We grew apart" or "I didn't know him/her anymore." It can happen. What matters is - do you try and work through it, or do you call it a good run and part ways? For some, its better if they separate. Forcing two people together for the sake of someone other than both of them is pointless. But the point of marriage is: did you promise to try? Try to work together, talk it out, experience it together, try to understand, try to improve? Not every try will be a success (sorry, Yoda), but the point will be: you made an effort. You can not anticipate what the next 5 years will do to your marriage. If something goes out of balance, whether with your interest, communication, honesty, or relationship, the changes could be devastating. You have to trust that your partner isn't going to let that happen just as you will try to do the same. Its a road that's walked together, but the path is rarely straight and clear of obstacles. Will you try to try and cross them?
I think that sums it up. I plan to be married again one day. Ideally, you're best friends with the hottest sex life and only a few bumps in the road. I could go on and on about finding the right partner - but I am not you. Only you can decide what you want. Partnership in life is beautiful.
Marriage isn't for everyone. I can't force you to get married and you shouldn't tell me who I can and cannot marry. Not every marriage should last forever, that's why divorce was such a great idea. Right now, I think the statistics state that about half of marriages end in divorce. That's a huge fail rate. However, that means that half of marriages last. Is it always happy and healthy? No - but that is the fault of both partners. I've experienced the failure of a marriage and I definitely had a share of the blame in that failure.
I have no intention of repeating that mistake. And this time, the relationship is completely different.
Lately, I've noticed this huge trend on twitter where people speak out against marriage. Statements like "Wedding dress - RED RED RED" or "The day you get married is the day you die." I don't know the stories of the people who tweet these. Perhaps they were married once and it was so awful they think the whole idea is for the dogs. (Pets marrying is, I think, a really stupid idea).
I've had a marriage that was less than stellar. From what I've heard in feedback via comments and twitter, a lot of people can relate and have similar stories. Sometimes its a choice made out of stupidity, youth, being blind to reality, or sheer hope that things could change. Maybe you and your partner change so much that marriage just doesn't make sense anymore.
So, is there even a point to getting married?
Yes, I think so. I read a recent blog article by Mr. Masquerade and he is very cynical about marriage and even long term relationships. In his view, it is too restricting and you lose your independence and sense of self. You risk your dreams for someone else. And how can anyone realistically promise to love someone and stay loyal forever, when you don't know who you'll be in 5 years? It seems that the only risk and reward to marriage is giving up so much of yourself and potentially hating your own life and resenting your partner.
Yes, those are all risks - if you do not choose your partner right or enter marriage/that relationship with the wrong view. I've already promised and then broken that promise before I'm 30. So has my boyfriend.
So why in the world would we do it all again? Well, here are my NUMBER reasons for why I still believe in marriage:
1. We've seen it work. Both sets of our parents have the same story: married too young, grew up very quickly, divorced, and then met their real life partner. Its not the ideal path and its certainly not the only way to choose a partner, but the end result is the same: His parents have been together 35 years and mine have been married 29. Both sets of my grandparents were married for 50+ years until a spouse died We've both witnessed marriage that last and are happy. A happy, loving marriage can happen, so why not for me or you?
2. I've learned from the past. What went wrong in my first marriage does not have to (nor do I intend it to) repeat itself in any future relationships. I've learned from my mistakes. Each person, hopefully, takes some learning from a relationship that did not work out. This is why you date and learn to filter out what you like/don't like about someone and use it for the next person. I learned I need a kinky sex life, flirting and attraction is much more important than I ever thought, and setting a standard for yourself is OK. I didn't deserve someone to make me feel bad about normal parts of my body. I didn't have to stay with someone who took me and my contributions for granted. I wanted someone who would be an equal contributor to our household - equal in terms of effort, not money.
3. I can be realistic. People are, by definition, fallible. At some point someone's going to mess up and you're going to argue. Misunderstandings, miscommunications, disagreements, and arguments are all a part of LIFE. The trouble with a relationship is you have to learn how to work through this and not let it break you. I've seen couples break up over some really stupid things. If any relationship is going to work, you have to understand the whole person: not just the good that you love, but the bad that will come with it. I have flaws, so does my BF. Every day we work around them and every day we make it.
4. It's not about losing, it's about gaining. Going from Ms. to Mrs. does not mean I am giving up who I am. I am bringing all of me into a relationship and I am being joined by someone bringing all of himself. He knows what I want in life. I know what he wants. We both have goals, together and separate. Marriage is about supporting one another in those goals. Yes, that may mean I have to put my goals on hold why he works on something or we work on something together. This delay would not exist if I were single, but I am gaining the opportunity to support the person I love most in the this world to do something they want - how could I not support that? And he will do the same for me. I'm gaining my own cheerleader, support system, advice-giver, listener, cook, cleaner, errand-runner, bill-payer, back-rubber, friend, and travel companion. What am I losing that compares to all that? Not much.
5. It's easier, legally speaking. Let's be honest: marriage makes everything (most things?) easier, legally speaking. No one questions the "husband" or "wife" when an important decision needs to be made. In case of a medical emergency, that is the person I want by my side and making decisions if I'm incapacitated. I get tax breaks for being married. Even in death its easier to divvy up belongings if you're married and have a legal claim to it rather than "but we've been together for X years." Time together does not a marriage make (common law marriage excluded of course). For those reasons alone, I want marriage -- and its a major reason why gay marriage is important. It's not always about love and romance. It's just practical.
6. It's two against the world. When you're married, you have a partner, another half of a couple. Together you face whatever happens in life. That person is your source of comfort and joy. They are there to take the stress off you if they can just as you would do the same. It's best friends with deep, emotional benefits. To put it in geek terms, you are the tank to the other's healer. It's about partnership and using your strengths to bolster each other and face life decisions together.
7. It's making a public promise. There's a reason why a lot of marriages start with a wedding: there's something beautiful about two people publicly declaring they are going to spend their lives together. I'm not here to say whether you should write your vows to say "forever" or "until we decide otherwise." I've seen both and its really up to you what you want to promise. The thing is, marriage is a contract. It has to be upheld by both parties to be valid. Both parties are saying they will do X and Y and Z and therefore will expect X and Y and Z in return. You decide what X and Y and Z includes. Vows are not one size fits all and not all vows are public. Do you have to promise to love only that person forever? Not if you're polyamourous. Do you have to promise to fuck only your partner forever? Not if you're a swinger. Your marriage, your rules.
8. I promise to try. Change happens. It's not always easy and it may not be what you expect. As time progresses, so do we. We change in our relationships, in our jobs, in our preferences. As we age our priorities might change. Having a child may introduce a whole new side of you - the parent you - you didn't know existed. This might be where marriage is kicked hardest in the nuts. We've all seen or heard stories of "We grew apart" or "I didn't know him/her anymore." It can happen. What matters is - do you try and work through it, or do you call it a good run and part ways? For some, its better if they separate. Forcing two people together for the sake of someone other than both of them is pointless. But the point of marriage is: did you promise to try? Try to work together, talk it out, experience it together, try to understand, try to improve? Not every try will be a success (sorry, Yoda), but the point will be: you made an effort. You can not anticipate what the next 5 years will do to your marriage. If something goes out of balance, whether with your interest, communication, honesty, or relationship, the changes could be devastating. You have to trust that your partner isn't going to let that happen just as you will try to do the same. Its a road that's walked together, but the path is rarely straight and clear of obstacles. Will you try to try and cross them?
I think that sums it up. I plan to be married again one day. Ideally, you're best friends with the hottest sex life and only a few bumps in the road. I could go on and on about finding the right partner - but I am not you. Only you can decide what you want. Partnership in life is beautiful.
Marriage isn't for everyone. I can't force you to get married and you shouldn't tell me who I can and cannot marry. Not every marriage should last forever, that's why divorce was such a great idea. Right now, I think the statistics state that about half of marriages end in divorce. That's a huge fail rate. However, that means that half of marriages last. Is it always happy and healthy? No - but that is the fault of both partners. I've experienced the failure of a marriage and I definitely had a share of the blame in that failure.
I have no intention of repeating that mistake. And this time, the relationship is completely different.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
The Rule, revisited
One of my first blog posts was about The Rule and why it was important for us. We had agreed that we had to be together for at least a year before we would talk "next steps" aka engagement, marriage, family, etc.
Well, as stated in that post, and this one and this one, rule-breaking is somewhat common, especially during passionate sex or the day of his long-awaited divorce. Lately its being broken outside of the bedroom as well - and he's not the only one who does it. His nephew and his brother do it all the time, too.
One of the reasons he loves to break the rule is my reaction. I can't help myself - I blush profusely, I get the widest smile that won't go away, and I can't hide my sheer delight and happiness at the idea of it all. Deep down, its what I want and I want to get there with him.
So why have the rule? Well, for several reasons. First, even though we moved in kind of fast together, we didn't want to rush into "forever" too quickly. We've both made that assumption about a relationship in the past. We wanted at least of year of seeing ups, downs, daily life, and everything else that shows a person's true colors. Another reason for the rule is that it would keep us grounded in the here and now and not looking for that future. An obvious reason - his divorce was in progress and we had no idea how long it was going to drag on for - so why even think about that? And finally, why are we rushing in the first place to make things official?
We both agreed when we started this relationship we were in it to see if it was "it" for both of us. I don't do casual or "let's see where this goes." I'm here to see if its real, and if its not or it doesn't work then I'm moving on. Neither of us wants to waste the other's time. But that doesn't mean that we don't want to move forward. We both have a goal - for us marriage is the goal and next step.
So the rule - he's free, we're in love, and we're set on a future together. We've not made it to the one year yet (that happens in June) - but is the date so important? Let's think about the life events we've experienced:
On the other hand, he's so ready for commitment he's ready to start a family and, when my period was 24 hours late last week, he was just a little bit hopeful it would never come. Ever since that he's brought up how much he wants to have a baby with me and start our family... my reaction to this is always in 2 parts. First, I'm terrified because I'm NOT ready for that yet. Second, that is one of the sexiest things that's ever been said to me.
I've told him I'm not ready. It's nice that he is, but there's no way I'm going to even entertain that idea at this time. My first objection (aside from my mental/emotional unpreparedness) is that we are not married yet. Until there are rings on both of our hands, I won't even consider timing.
I told him that last night, by grabbing his ring finger and telling him that it was missing the ring that would let me think about baby-making. He responded by saying, "Well, let me go find one..." and of course I reacted with my blush/smile and fervent, "NO!" It didn't help that a few minutes later I told him that I had actually looked at some rings and bookmarked some ones I liked.... you know, I like to be prepared.
Of course this brought on a whole round of me being naughty and a complete hypocrite about this whole "rule" business, especially since I'd looked at rings oh, 6 months ago.
So where does that leave us? Waiting. I'm not really in a rush to get engaged. Maybe sometime later this year or early next would be fine with me. I never wanted my first wedding (I was talked into it, almost blackmailed into it). Even when my marriage was good I hated the fact I'd had one against my will... but this time around? I can't wait to have one. I can't wait to do the whole dress and flowers and reception... OK, back to reality.
I don't think the rule exists anymore. I'll still give him crap for calling me Mrs ________ or his wife, because I'm NOT her... although one day I believe I will be.
Well, as stated in that post, and this one and this one, rule-breaking is somewhat common, especially during passionate sex or the day of his long-awaited divorce. Lately its being broken outside of the bedroom as well - and he's not the only one who does it. His nephew and his brother do it all the time, too.
One of the reasons he loves to break the rule is my reaction. I can't help myself - I blush profusely, I get the widest smile that won't go away, and I can't hide my sheer delight and happiness at the idea of it all. Deep down, its what I want and I want to get there with him.
So why have the rule? Well, for several reasons. First, even though we moved in kind of fast together, we didn't want to rush into "forever" too quickly. We've both made that assumption about a relationship in the past. We wanted at least of year of seeing ups, downs, daily life, and everything else that shows a person's true colors. Another reason for the rule is that it would keep us grounded in the here and now and not looking for that future. An obvious reason - his divorce was in progress and we had no idea how long it was going to drag on for - so why even think about that? And finally, why are we rushing in the first place to make things official?
We both agreed when we started this relationship we were in it to see if it was "it" for both of us. I don't do casual or "let's see where this goes." I'm here to see if its real, and if its not or it doesn't work then I'm moving on. Neither of us wants to waste the other's time. But that doesn't mean that we don't want to move forward. We both have a goal - for us marriage is the goal and next step.
So the rule - he's free, we're in love, and we're set on a future together. We've not made it to the one year yet (that happens in June) - but is the date so important? Let's think about the life events we've experienced:
- We've survived multiple 10-17 hour driving trips together without killing each other - or really even arguing beyond a few heated words now and then.
- We've shared our favorite movies and music and been able to tolerate, appreciate, and grow to like our new music. He likes Michael Jackson, Lil Wayne, and Guns N Roses while I like Train, Pink Martini, and Ella Fitzgerald.
- We've both experienced an intense illness (the norovirus, no less) back to back and took care of each other despite not feeling well ourselves.
- We've been able to cry, vent, and complain about anything and everything in life. When I cry he holds me and when he cries I hold him.
- We can be honest about our feelings and wants and the other will take it sincerely and to heart.
- Above all of the busy part of our lives and the stress that comes with it, we always make time for each other. Every day. It doesn't matter what the day has held, we always reserve some "us-time" that allows at least 30 minutes time spent exclusively with the other. And no, this time does not include sex of any kind. It's cuddling on the couch, playing a game, sitting and talking.
On the other hand, he's so ready for commitment he's ready to start a family and, when my period was 24 hours late last week, he was just a little bit hopeful it would never come. Ever since that he's brought up how much he wants to have a baby with me and start our family... my reaction to this is always in 2 parts. First, I'm terrified because I'm NOT ready for that yet. Second, that is one of the sexiest things that's ever been said to me.
I've told him I'm not ready. It's nice that he is, but there's no way I'm going to even entertain that idea at this time. My first objection (aside from my mental/emotional unpreparedness) is that we are not married yet. Until there are rings on both of our hands, I won't even consider timing.
I told him that last night, by grabbing his ring finger and telling him that it was missing the ring that would let me think about baby-making. He responded by saying, "Well, let me go find one..." and of course I reacted with my blush/smile and fervent, "NO!" It didn't help that a few minutes later I told him that I had actually looked at some rings and bookmarked some ones I liked.... you know, I like to be prepared.
Of course this brought on a whole round of me being naughty and a complete hypocrite about this whole "rule" business, especially since I'd looked at rings oh, 6 months ago.
So where does that leave us? Waiting. I'm not really in a rush to get engaged. Maybe sometime later this year or early next would be fine with me. I never wanted my first wedding (I was talked into it, almost blackmailed into it). Even when my marriage was good I hated the fact I'd had one against my will... but this time around? I can't wait to have one. I can't wait to do the whole dress and flowers and reception... OK, back to reality.
I don't think the rule exists anymore. I'll still give him crap for calling me Mrs ________ or his wife, because I'm NOT her... although one day I believe I will be.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
On being sex positive pt 1
Disclaimer: This post has very little to do with sex. Well, actually it has a LOT to do with sex, but it does not contain a sexy story.
Lately, I've been thinking about the journey I've been on in the past 5-10 years. It's been a pretty dramatic transformation, personally. The last couple of years has been an insane ride. In an attempt to digest my past, present, and future, I've decided to blog about it.
This is a new type of post for me, its personal. I already feel vulnerable and I've not said anything personal yet. So let's get real.
I think it all started when I discovered at 18 that I had a condition called PCOS which explained some confusing things that made me feel different from other girls. Among them - an inability to have a regular period, the ability to gain weight rapidly and nearly impossible to lose, more hair on my body than what I normally see on girls, and a high probability I'll never be able to have kids.
That's a lot to take at 18, when life is just starting and you're told some of the best parts of you are defective and fucked up. At 18 I was not in shape but not out of shape. I was curvy and knew how to dress to accentuate those curves. I was also in a relationship with a guy who I thought I liked - after all, we got along great... but I didn't know what I was missing because I was just 18 and stupid.
He proposed when I was 19, and I accepted. I was 19 going on 25, or so I thought. I had my life figured out. Or so I thought. He ate me out for the first time on my 19th birthday. It lasted all of 30 seconds before he told me I tasted too bad for him to go on. I didn't have the nerve to ask him to try again for another 6 months. When he couldn't handle it again, I figured out I was the problem, just another defective part of my female system. I decided that life had officially screwed me, so I would just have to deal with it.
Youth is stupid. I got married at 20 and thought I was happy. Sex was boring. I remember losing my virginity and when it was over 30 seconds later I thought: that's it? Sad. I got little enjoyment from sex itself. Our first year of marriage we had sex about once a week. To me that seemed odd - isn't the "average" like three times a week? We're newlyweds, what's wrong? He couldn't understand it - why wasn't I interested? I wouldn't admit to myself what a mistake I'd made.
A lot was wrong. He didn't like toys. Our once a week turned into longer stretches of time until it was once a month when I would get so fucking horny I couldn't stand it. We'd have sex and then I'd have him give me a hand job until I came. When we had our once a month fuck I'd fantasize about other men to keep myself wet and in the moment. It helped, but it didn't fix the problem. I stopped asking for oral - it hurt too much to be told over and over how 'dirty' I was.
And it wasn't just the taste. He didn't like my smell. He would wash his hands after touching me, he didn't want the smell to linger. He would shower after sex to wipe our cum off. If cum spilled on the bed we had to wash the sheets immediately. All I felt was that I was dirty, gross, and there was no way that ME - my fluids and my desires - could ever be desired or enjoyed by another.
I told him I wasn't attracted to him. I wanted to be separated. I wasn't sure I wanted to be in this anymore. I was having sex dreams about exes and other men, never about him. If I thought about him I'd get turned off and could never cum. We couldn't afford to live in separate apartments like I wanted, so I moved into the other bedroom. It was wonderful.
Finally, I told him I wanted out. I couldn't take it anymore. At this point I was so desperate for some good sex I was almost ready to cheat. I never did, but it was close. What remained of our relationship ended quickly, and he was gone.
I felt free. Free, with a price. Years of feeling bad about myself, bad about what I liked and wanted had taken their toll. My weight was up nearly 65 pounds from that marriage. I felt ugly, fat, gross. I didn't seek anyone out - it wasn't even a consideration for me.
And then the BF entered my life. I delayed showing him my picture for months, afraid and nervous. I was too heavy, too unattractive. He would see it and run. Finally, I couldn't delay it any longer. But I told him I didn't want to disappoint him. I told him about that stupid condition I'm trying to control (with hardly any success) and how I don't like who I am today. I sent him that message via FB and went to bed, dreading the next day.
He wrote back with this: I see a short, bigger girl. who is very pretty. and does have a very sex body. your eyes are very pretty. they look to be baby blue. don't worry abut losing any lbs for me hun i love you just the way you are. and i do spend every waking hour thinking abut you. ps i iam falling very hard for you
How the world changed!
To be continued.
Lately, I've been thinking about the journey I've been on in the past 5-10 years. It's been a pretty dramatic transformation, personally. The last couple of years has been an insane ride. In an attempt to digest my past, present, and future, I've decided to blog about it.
This is a new type of post for me, its personal. I already feel vulnerable and I've not said anything personal yet. So let's get real.
I think it all started when I discovered at 18 that I had a condition called PCOS which explained some confusing things that made me feel different from other girls. Among them - an inability to have a regular period, the ability to gain weight rapidly and nearly impossible to lose, more hair on my body than what I normally see on girls, and a high probability I'll never be able to have kids.
That's a lot to take at 18, when life is just starting and you're told some of the best parts of you are defective and fucked up. At 18 I was not in shape but not out of shape. I was curvy and knew how to dress to accentuate those curves. I was also in a relationship with a guy who I thought I liked - after all, we got along great... but I didn't know what I was missing because I was just 18 and stupid.
He proposed when I was 19, and I accepted. I was 19 going on 25, or so I thought. I had my life figured out. Or so I thought. He ate me out for the first time on my 19th birthday. It lasted all of 30 seconds before he told me I tasted too bad for him to go on. I didn't have the nerve to ask him to try again for another 6 months. When he couldn't handle it again, I figured out I was the problem, just another defective part of my female system. I decided that life had officially screwed me, so I would just have to deal with it.
Youth is stupid. I got married at 20 and thought I was happy. Sex was boring. I remember losing my virginity and when it was over 30 seconds later I thought: that's it? Sad. I got little enjoyment from sex itself. Our first year of marriage we had sex about once a week. To me that seemed odd - isn't the "average" like three times a week? We're newlyweds, what's wrong? He couldn't understand it - why wasn't I interested? I wouldn't admit to myself what a mistake I'd made.
A lot was wrong. He didn't like toys. Our once a week turned into longer stretches of time until it was once a month when I would get so fucking horny I couldn't stand it. We'd have sex and then I'd have him give me a hand job until I came. When we had our once a month fuck I'd fantasize about other men to keep myself wet and in the moment. It helped, but it didn't fix the problem. I stopped asking for oral - it hurt too much to be told over and over how 'dirty' I was.
And it wasn't just the taste. He didn't like my smell. He would wash his hands after touching me, he didn't want the smell to linger. He would shower after sex to wipe our cum off. If cum spilled on the bed we had to wash the sheets immediately. All I felt was that I was dirty, gross, and there was no way that ME - my fluids and my desires - could ever be desired or enjoyed by another.
I told him I wasn't attracted to him. I wanted to be separated. I wasn't sure I wanted to be in this anymore. I was having sex dreams about exes and other men, never about him. If I thought about him I'd get turned off and could never cum. We couldn't afford to live in separate apartments like I wanted, so I moved into the other bedroom. It was wonderful.
Finally, I told him I wanted out. I couldn't take it anymore. At this point I was so desperate for some good sex I was almost ready to cheat. I never did, but it was close. What remained of our relationship ended quickly, and he was gone.
I felt free. Free, with a price. Years of feeling bad about myself, bad about what I liked and wanted had taken their toll. My weight was up nearly 65 pounds from that marriage. I felt ugly, fat, gross. I didn't seek anyone out - it wasn't even a consideration for me.
And then the BF entered my life. I delayed showing him my picture for months, afraid and nervous. I was too heavy, too unattractive. He would see it and run. Finally, I couldn't delay it any longer. But I told him I didn't want to disappoint him. I told him about that stupid condition I'm trying to control (with hardly any success) and how I don't like who I am today. I sent him that message via FB and went to bed, dreading the next day.
He wrote back with this: I see a short, bigger girl. who is very pretty. and does have a very sex body. your eyes are very pretty. they look to be baby blue. don't worry abut losing any lbs for me hun i love you just the way you are. and i do spend every waking hour thinking abut you. ps i iam falling very hard for you
How the world changed!
To be continued.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Weekday morning sex
I was working from home, which means I could sleep in a bit - and wake up the BF for some morning sex. He complained about being woken up, but I cuddled him, both of us on our stomachs, my arm over his back, our legs intertwined. After a while I turned on my side and cuddled my butt up against him. I got the response I was expecting - he turned to spoon me, wrapping is arm around me, clutching a breast to my chest.
His dick was hard against my ass as I cozied into him. He ran his hand down to my ass, giving it a couple of squeezes. He kissed my neck, my shoulder my back. His hand wandered back up my body, tweaking my nipples against his hands. I stretched against him. He reached down again and pulled my leg up slightly. I lifted it higher, and he started rubbing the head of his dick in between my legs, getting the tip wet.
"Oooh you're so wet already! Why are you so wet?" he asked, pushing it deeper, just outside the entrance. He pulled my feet to nest between his, trapping my ankles in his legs.
"Don't you remember that orgasm you gave me last night?" I asked. I sighed at the memory of the longest, most pleasurable orgasm I'd ever experienced.
He gave me a "mmmm" in agreement as he pushed his dick in me about halfway. I sighed happily. "Ohhhhh," he whispered, like it was the loudest noise he could make. "You're so wet...." he slid in more, pushing his dick in all the way. His groan of satisfaction was intoxicating. He kissed my shoulder again and shift his hips lower to get a better angle.
He slid it in a out, just playing with the entrance, his head barely entering me. It felt wonderful and I was just enjoying the sensation of his dick gliding so smoothly. "You like my wetness don't you?" I asked.
He moaned a yes as he stuck his dick in me all the way, and held it there. I pushed back against him, wiggling my bum. He groaned with pleasure from my body moving around him. I grinded against him moving my hips slowly up and down. He relaxed, his dick falling out slightly, and kissed my back. He started fucking me again. He pulled back a bit to really fuck me, and you could hear my wetness sloshing around his dick and our bodies made an awesome slapping sound as he pounded away at me.
He pulled my leg up and over his again. I tiled towards him as his hand ran down from my breast to my pussy, but he didn't go for my clit. His hand wandered back up where he tweaked my nipples again. He was moving his hips still fucking me but not by much. Finally his hand moved down and he reached for my clit. He wasn't gentle, but I didn't need him to be. With his cock in me, fucking me, I don't need a lot of build-up to cum. He used all four fingers and just attacked it. Instantly I was crying out, and very soon, I was orgasming. He pulled his hand away, pushed my leg back, and then really fucked me. My orgasm kept going, and I ground back against him.
He started playing with the entrance again, just barely sliding into me. "Ohhhh Mrs. ____" he cried softly into my ear, hands cupping my breast, his other hand holding mine.
"You're naughty!" I said back, trying not to break the rule myself. He kissed my back and shoulder in a flurry of kisses.
"I don't care, " he said. "I love you so much. Oh ______" he called out my name. Then he pushed slightly and we rolled over onto our stomachs, his dick never leaving me and he adjusted slightly on top of me. I flexed my hips up, pushing into him. His cheek was against mine, I could see his eyes shut, mouth open as he moved in and out. His moans were getting louder.
Then suddenly his hand was in my hair, pulling it and jerking my neck back, pinning it down. I moaned, I love it when he does that. Its so passionate, so in the moment. He kissed my cheek, my neck. He told me he loved me again and again. He was slowing down, making each stroke in and out last longer than normal. I could tell he was getting closer to coming, and the closer he was, the slower he went, just making it last and last for both of us. He called out my name more and told me he loved me and he called me his wife. I ignored the rule breaking, what did it matter? I pushed up against him told him I wanted to cum with my clit while he was in me.
He pulled out and sat up so I could flip around on my back. He came down and kissed me while I reached down my hand to my clit. He was moving slowly in and out and I told him to just hold it in me, not moving. He did, kissing me over and over again. I kissed as much as I could between my growing cries of pleasure. I could feel my orgasm building up in me. When I could tell it was close, I started saying, "Fuck me, oh fuck me," over and over. He did. And I spread my legs as far as I could. "Oh fuck me my husband," I cried out, eyes shut from pleasure.
"Oh my wife, my lovely wife!" and he was kissing me hard and passionately. His orgasm came and he pushed his dick in as it pumped cum. He pushed it in and my orgasm hit strong and hard and I was pulling myself up on his body while he pulled me up, kissing the back of my neck while I cried out into his. My hips moved, uncontrolled, and his body shuddered from the sensations I was giving his dick as I came and came on it.
We stilled, and kissed and looked into each other's eyes for a moment, just looking. He pulled out but rested on top of me, head on my breast and I wrapped my arms around him. I could feel cum dripping out of my pussy, dripping onto my thighs and down my ass and onto the bed.
His dick was hard against my ass as I cozied into him. He ran his hand down to my ass, giving it a couple of squeezes. He kissed my neck, my shoulder my back. His hand wandered back up my body, tweaking my nipples against his hands. I stretched against him. He reached down again and pulled my leg up slightly. I lifted it higher, and he started rubbing the head of his dick in between my legs, getting the tip wet.
"Oooh you're so wet already! Why are you so wet?" he asked, pushing it deeper, just outside the entrance. He pulled my feet to nest between his, trapping my ankles in his legs.
"Don't you remember that orgasm you gave me last night?" I asked. I sighed at the memory of the longest, most pleasurable orgasm I'd ever experienced.
He gave me a "mmmm" in agreement as he pushed his dick in me about halfway. I sighed happily. "Ohhhhh," he whispered, like it was the loudest noise he could make. "You're so wet...." he slid in more, pushing his dick in all the way. His groan of satisfaction was intoxicating. He kissed my shoulder again and shift his hips lower to get a better angle.
He slid it in a out, just playing with the entrance, his head barely entering me. It felt wonderful and I was just enjoying the sensation of his dick gliding so smoothly. "You like my wetness don't you?" I asked.
He moaned a yes as he stuck his dick in me all the way, and held it there. I pushed back against him, wiggling my bum. He groaned with pleasure from my body moving around him. I grinded against him moving my hips slowly up and down. He relaxed, his dick falling out slightly, and kissed my back. He started fucking me again. He pulled back a bit to really fuck me, and you could hear my wetness sloshing around his dick and our bodies made an awesome slapping sound as he pounded away at me.
He pulled my leg up and over his again. I tiled towards him as his hand ran down from my breast to my pussy, but he didn't go for my clit. His hand wandered back up where he tweaked my nipples again. He was moving his hips still fucking me but not by much. Finally his hand moved down and he reached for my clit. He wasn't gentle, but I didn't need him to be. With his cock in me, fucking me, I don't need a lot of build-up to cum. He used all four fingers and just attacked it. Instantly I was crying out, and very soon, I was orgasming. He pulled his hand away, pushed my leg back, and then really fucked me. My orgasm kept going, and I ground back against him.
He started playing with the entrance again, just barely sliding into me. "Ohhhh Mrs. ____" he cried softly into my ear, hands cupping my breast, his other hand holding mine.
"You're naughty!" I said back, trying not to break the rule myself. He kissed my back and shoulder in a flurry of kisses.
"I don't care, " he said. "I love you so much. Oh ______" he called out my name. Then he pushed slightly and we rolled over onto our stomachs, his dick never leaving me and he adjusted slightly on top of me. I flexed my hips up, pushing into him. His cheek was against mine, I could see his eyes shut, mouth open as he moved in and out. His moans were getting louder.
Then suddenly his hand was in my hair, pulling it and jerking my neck back, pinning it down. I moaned, I love it when he does that. Its so passionate, so in the moment. He kissed my cheek, my neck. He told me he loved me again and again. He was slowing down, making each stroke in and out last longer than normal. I could tell he was getting closer to coming, and the closer he was, the slower he went, just making it last and last for both of us. He called out my name more and told me he loved me and he called me his wife. I ignored the rule breaking, what did it matter? I pushed up against him told him I wanted to cum with my clit while he was in me.
He pulled out and sat up so I could flip around on my back. He came down and kissed me while I reached down my hand to my clit. He was moving slowly in and out and I told him to just hold it in me, not moving. He did, kissing me over and over again. I kissed as much as I could between my growing cries of pleasure. I could feel my orgasm building up in me. When I could tell it was close, I started saying, "Fuck me, oh fuck me," over and over. He did. And I spread my legs as far as I could. "Oh fuck me my husband," I cried out, eyes shut from pleasure.
"Oh my wife, my lovely wife!" and he was kissing me hard and passionately. His orgasm came and he pushed his dick in as it pumped cum. He pushed it in and my orgasm hit strong and hard and I was pulling myself up on his body while he pulled me up, kissing the back of my neck while I cried out into his. My hips moved, uncontrolled, and his body shuddered from the sensations I was giving his dick as I came and came on it.
We stilled, and kissed and looked into each other's eyes for a moment, just looking. He pulled out but rested on top of me, head on my breast and I wrapped my arms around him. I could feel cum dripping out of my pussy, dripping onto my thighs and down my ass and onto the bed.
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Rule
When the BF and I started dating (another story for another time), we agreed on "The Rule" of our relationship. The rule was simple: We had to date for 1 year before we could consider the next step.
Its a simple rule, right? Well, it seemed that way. 1 year to get to know each other, experience the other through thick and thin, the good and bad. It seemed smart and safe and pretty straightforward. What we have found is that it is the opposite.
I think we first muddied the waters by moving in together almost immediately. For him this was more along the "normal" of his relationships. For me, this was one of the greatest life-changing events I've done. I had never lived with anyone other than my ex, and we didn't live together until we had been married. But for us, it was an easy decision. He lived several states away and neither of us wanted anything long-distance. We'd done that enough with facebook, skype, chatting, and phone. We wanted to be together. So we took the leap and he moved in three weeks after our first in-person meeting. Three weeks was all I needed.
He first broke this rule last November. I was traveling for business and he came with me for the week. One day after work we had sex before going out to dinner. It was an incredibly hot session and he whispered in my ear, "I love you Mrs. _____" and I couldn't stop from saying back "I want to be your wife!" He came almost immediately upon my exclamation, and I definitely took notice of that. It was so fucking hot and sweet at the same time. It was around this time that I started twittering our sex life.
Since then, we've both broken the rule upon occasion. I tend to break it after a very strong emotional event when I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable or incredibly close to him. He has started breaking it all the time.
Last night I was discussing his repeated breaking of the rule over the weekend, and he accidentally let it slip that when he masturbates he almost always thinks of me as his wife. How fucking hot and awesome is that? I don't consider myself a jaded individual by any means, but I do think its rare that a man wants marriage that badly. I'm so incredibly turned on by this.
I also found out last night that we have different understandings of the rule. For me, the "next step" is getting engaged. For him, its getting married. WOAH, what? I can't go from dating to married in a year! I clarified my stance, and of course he likes his side better - but I feel pretty strongly about my stance.
For now, I'll do my best to be good and keep the rule in tact. And I'm sure he'll do his best to get me to do away with it.
Its a simple rule, right? Well, it seemed that way. 1 year to get to know each other, experience the other through thick and thin, the good and bad. It seemed smart and safe and pretty straightforward. What we have found is that it is the opposite.
I think we first muddied the waters by moving in together almost immediately. For him this was more along the "normal" of his relationships. For me, this was one of the greatest life-changing events I've done. I had never lived with anyone other than my ex, and we didn't live together until we had been married. But for us, it was an easy decision. He lived several states away and neither of us wanted anything long-distance. We'd done that enough with facebook, skype, chatting, and phone. We wanted to be together. So we took the leap and he moved in three weeks after our first in-person meeting. Three weeks was all I needed.
He first broke this rule last November. I was traveling for business and he came with me for the week. One day after work we had sex before going out to dinner. It was an incredibly hot session and he whispered in my ear, "I love you Mrs. _____" and I couldn't stop from saying back "I want to be your wife!" He came almost immediately upon my exclamation, and I definitely took notice of that. It was so fucking hot and sweet at the same time. It was around this time that I started twittering our sex life.
Since then, we've both broken the rule upon occasion. I tend to break it after a very strong emotional event when I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable or incredibly close to him. He has started breaking it all the time.
Last night I was discussing his repeated breaking of the rule over the weekend, and he accidentally let it slip that when he masturbates he almost always thinks of me as his wife. How fucking hot and awesome is that? I don't consider myself a jaded individual by any means, but I do think its rare that a man wants marriage that badly. I'm so incredibly turned on by this.
I also found out last night that we have different understandings of the rule. For me, the "next step" is getting engaged. For him, its getting married. WOAH, what? I can't go from dating to married in a year! I clarified my stance, and of course he likes his side better - but I feel pretty strongly about my stance.
For now, I'll do my best to be good and keep the rule in tact. And I'm sure he'll do his best to get me to do away with it.
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