What is vanilla sex?

Sometimes I forget what "vanilla sex" is. It's when I realize I'm so far down the 'rabbit hole' of kink that I forget there are many, many people out there for whom vanilla sex is their way of life.

My only experience with vanilla sex is the sex I had with my ex, and that sucked a big majority of the time due to our complete sexual and attraction mismatch. It was just.... so boring.

Is that what vanilla sex is: boring sex? Sex without toys? A lot of rules (but none of them playful)? No daring? No exploring of limits? Just sex? That's it?

Where does kink begin in the area of vanilla sex? Exchanging dirty photographs? Licking food off someone? Having sex outside of the bedroom?

I don't know the answers to these questions. It's really not important, until I start interacting with the vanilla world. Like coworkers. Or facebook friends who, when I answer their joke about sex shops advertising on Pandora with a "why not?" are so shocked I would be OK with that.

I've lost track with what is 'normal.'

There was a time when I said "normal is the average of all extremes." But "normal" doesn't fit "vanilla sex."

Vanilla sex.... I can't define it, but I know it when I see/hear it.

Perhaps vanilla sex is when one partner is kinky and the other is wanting more variety. That can feel like vanilla sex hell. I've certainly been there. I'm so happy I'm not there anymore.

If you're stuck in vanilla sex hell, I have no words of advice for you. My advice and my journey is not yours, nor should my opinion make any impact in your life.

Review: SLUT Paddle

The Toy

SLUT paddle by Sportsheets

You know we like spanking, right? Well, we do. Specifically, I like to spank him and he loves to be spanked. I haven't received much spanking, it's not my thing like it is for him. However, I'm not opposed to it. The problem with spanking is that, when you use your hand, it starts to sting the spanker pretty quickly. And then, at least for us, my hand/arm gets tired of the repeated spanking. We needed and wanted an aid to help spanking last longer.

Handle detail

We saw this toy in our local sex shop and then I had the opportunity to buy it at a discount online. It's made of leather by Sportsheets (who makes a lot of great kink sex toys like paddles, crops, restraints, and more). In general, the paddle is well made. The leather is great quality and well cut. The word SLUT is cut-out on one side of the spanking end. The lettering is very precise and there are no stray bits of leather that could stray off of the paddle. The spanking The bright pink is a piece of paper inbetween two pieces of leather that are unattached except to the handle that really help this toy achieve a good slap. The handle is comfortable for my (medium-size) hand to grip for 30-45 minutes at a stretch. The paddle is light weight and does not feel heavy even after prolonged use. The end has a loop for hanging by a string for storage if you choose.

The Sex (for her)
First, as the spanker, I love this paddle. It takes all the sting out of my hands, making spanking much easier to deliver on his ass. This paddle is the right length where I can sit or stand behind him or next to him and give strong, swift strokes. I can vary the hits so they are light and teasing or sharp and stinging. Unfortunately, despite the cut-out of the word SLUT, I could not get the word to show up on his ass no matter how light or hard I smacked him.

Last night he spanked me with this toy for the first time. To my surprise, I was able to handle the hits he gave me pretty well. He had me lay down on the bed, and then started spanking me. He started out with lighter hits, but then moved pretty quickly to sharper, harder blows that left a stinging feeling for the briefest moment. Repeated hits, of course, made it last longer. Each hit made my entire body flinch, so he varied his rhythm to make me  unsure when the next slap would hit me. Only a minute or two passed before he told me my ass was turning quite red. I enjoyed the spanking, but without any clitorial stimulation I doubt I'd cum from him. My spanking only lasted a few minutes with this item before he turned me over and fingered me to orgasm. My ass was definitely sensitive for a few minutes, but no more than that.

Just the right size!

The Sex (for him)
As the spanker, he liked using this. He has spanked me with his hand before and the slaps always sting and hurt so much I try to get away as fast as I can. This toy helps regulate his hitting strength so I can actually enjoy a spanking. We didn't use anything for clitoral or vaginal stimulation with this toy; I think that needs to happen in future use to make it more enjoyable for both of us. Otherwise, just spanking made him a little bored as he really wanted to see me orgasm.

He loves being spanked with this paddle. I make him retrieve it and I remind him how much of a slut he is when I spank him with it. I make him confess his love of cock, cum, boys, trannies, and call him names like sissy, fag, boy-lover, slut, cum-slut, boy-whore, and gay. I love to make him say, "Oh yes I'm a slut! I'm a slut!" as I paddle him over and over. I start out spanking with lighter, shorter slaps that come every so often on his ass. After a bit of a warm up, I'll lube up my free hand and start to jack off his cock while continuing random spanks. Sometimes I'll spank in the same spot over and over, bringing it to a bright red color. Sometimes I'll alternate back and forth pretty quickly to make him wonder how much longer and harder the spanks will go.

His cum spot from one night of spanking

I love to smack him very hard with this paddle. It makes such a loud, satisfying SMACK against his ass and his whole body tries to twitch away. When he's close to orgasm, he begs for "harder, faster, don't stop!!" and its during these moments I can't spank him fast enough. I'm also jacking off his dick hard and fast. In the few times I've dedicated an evening to truly spanking my naughty gay boyfriend, I really smack him hard with this so he is bruised the next day. His orgasms are always strong and covering the bed in a great bit of cum.

The Judgement
Overall, I give this toy a 4/5. It's great for spanking and we love to use it. However, it doesn't leave the impression of the word SLUT which was a hope and a key selling point in this item. If the word did show up, it would have been a 5/5. This is definitely well made and worth the investment if you're wanting to give spanking a try - or just need an alternative to your hand.

TMI Tuesday: Think kink!

If any TMI Tuesday post was catered to us, I think this is it... onto the questions!

1. What’s the kinkiest thing about you, either mentally or physically? 

 It's definitely my brain. My brain loves to think up all sorts of ways to be kinky and use kink. I like to learn about kink and try new things. So yes, my brain is the access to all kinky things I do.

2. Do you have any fetishes? If so, what are they? 

Oh goodness! Do we ever...! Below, a list for each of us:

Me: Ass play, ball-busting, some light BDSM, blindfolding, body modification (I have a piercing, and I do like some piercings and tattoos), body worship, I like bois, some bondage (yes please!), I do like to be a brat, wear corsets, invoke some chastity play (it never lasts long), riding crop, I do like to see him cross-dress in lingerie, face-sitting, sissification, fisting, fucking machines (I want one!), giving golden showers, I like the idea of a grope box, handcuffs, milking prostate, being a mistress, objectification, some animal play, orgasm control (I love to deny), paddling, spanking, queening, rape play, squirting, some role playing, strap-on/pegging, latex... I think that covers it all. 

Him: Pretty much all of mine plus his foot fetish, edge play (he doesn't really believe in "limits"), bukkake, and possibly cuckolding (!). 

3. Have you ever been spanked? Did you enjoy it? Tell us more… 

 I have been spanked a little. I enjoy it with the riding crop, but I do not like it with a hand. That could be because my boyfriend does not believe in a "light" spanking and therefore from strike one it stings. There's talk of tying me up and spanking me until I literally cry. I want this, and yet I'm terrified.

His ass a few min after one of my lighter spankings. This was hand only.

It is no surprise that he enjoys spanking; he loves to be spanked with hand, crop, or a paddle.  More details on our new spanking paddle coming soon! I won't spoil the surprise here.

4. Have you been tied up, or tied someone else up? Did you use rope or  restraints? 

 We just tied each other up... yesterday I posted about my experience. Thursday, I'll try to post about his. We do not have any rope yet, although I would like to invest in some.

5. Would you classify yourself as more dominant, submissive, a switch or entirely vanilla? 

 We are both switches. We like to take turns being the more dominant and then more submissive.

6. What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done? 

 Oh dear, how do we even choose? Could it be me peeing in his mouth? Milking his prostate? Pegging him in cowgirl? No, I think the best answer is the time I jacked him off into my morning tea and didn't drink it until I was at work later that day. I could tell when I swallowed bits of his cum. Man, I need to do that again soon!

7. Have you been to a BDSM club? What was it like? If not, would you ever go to one? 

 No, we have not. And yes, I think we would go, out of curiosity. Maybe. I'm more outgoing for this kind of thing than he is. 

8. What’s your favourite fetish item or implement? 

 My favorite is probably a prostate massager that I use from time to time on him. Or my harness and siren dildo that I use to peg him. Too much kink to decide!

9. Favourite kinky clothing material? 

 Silk... silk is so wonderful! I have a pair of silk gloves that we love to use on each other. The feeling is so erotic to use on each other. I've made him cum only by stroking his cock lightly with them.

10. Thigh boots – love ‘em or hate ‘em? 

 I've never worn a pair, but the idea turns both of us on. A lot.

11. If you’re kinky, who knows about it? Do you tell people or is it a closely guarded secret? 

 I've told a friend of mine about my blog, so she knows. 

12. What are your personal limits? 

 I have issues with being trapped, and I am not comfortable at all with anything that limits my movements beyond some basic restraints. I don't like the idea of a ball gag, and when my air supply/breath is cut off I do panic very easily. I also have a limit in how much pleasure I can take... that is the only boundary we are interested in pushing, the boyfriend especially so.

13. What’s your safeword and why did you choose that one? 

 We don't have a safeword yet. But we certainly will need one. There is talk of pushing my limit in number 12 by making me orgasm until I literally cry and exhaust myself.  We're not going to do that without a safe word, because this is an area where he has a cruel streak.

14. Which fetishes do you just really not get?

 I don't get infant/adult baby play... really, an adult as a baby with diapers and everything? I don't get it at all. Infantalization is just a weird thing for someone to be into for me.

I don't get how suffocation/breath play is the point of excitement. I know it breathing can increase pleasure, but as for it being the source of pleasure? Don't get it.

I don't get blood play either. Is bleeding really that delightful?  I'm not sure I get why it's so much a turn-on.

 

Bonus:  Complete this sentence:  To me, Fetish, Kink and BDSM means… sex just got a lot more interesting!

Sometimes, real life interrupts

It shouldn't surprise you to know that life does interrupt our sex life at times. We may make plans and they may go completely awry. Not everything is amazing, incredible, gorgeous, hot sex.

By now, we've had a variety of these experiences. Sometimes we plan to have sex, and then we're too tired. Or he's going to eat me out, but my period starts a day early. Sometimes we try a new position, and we don't like it. Or he fucks me too hard during the afternoon that I don't want anything in my vagina that night. Sometimes we plan to peg, and he doesn't want to when the time comes. Occasionally, we get distracted by another activity and just go with the flow. My hands feel that good on your cock? Well look who's getting a hand job tonight!

Wednesday night, we were planning on pegging him. We took a shower and I plugged him up. We went to the couch and watched TV and then got ready for bed. I got out a new dildo we hadn't used yet - I planned to hand fuck him then use the hitachi on the base while it was in him.

I slid the dildo in. It's our first one that had little ridges on it. He didn't like it; it wasn't all the way in until he told me to take it out. It was uncomfortable. I removed it and set it aside. I reached for another dildo, the Siren we normally use, but he said no. He went to the bathroom to clean up.

When he returned, I was sitting there, unsure what to do. He returned the same look. So... normal sex? We both agreed, yes.

We kissed and started playing with ourselves. I was still wet from my earlier hitachi use... I played with the wet, making sloshing noises as loudly as I could, at his request. I played with my vagina entrance to get the loudest sound. He bit his lip in excitement, watching me. He kissed up my body from knee to lips while I did this, jacking off his dick. It made me giggly, and turned me on.

After a final kiss, he moved to position himself between my legs. I opened wide for him.... then realized I had a pillow under my shoulders. I prefer to fuck flat on my back. I reached behind me to pull it out and throw it to the side - and the movement made me fart. On him.

Horror! We exchanged a very brief look, his face amused, mine shocked. "Did you just fart?"

Oh gosh. I hid my face under the pillow. He was laughing, I was laughing. My whole body was shaking as I buried my head in shame. I nodded yes, not that he needed confirmation. He wanted me to come out from under the pillow. I shook my head no.

We burst into more laughter. I could not help but recognize the irony. Here I am, sex blogger who professes to be sex positive and I pride myself on realizing that stuff like this happens. This isn't the first time I've accidentally farted during sex, but it was the first time with him. And in some ways, I'm very much a girly-girl and I personally don't like farts at all. I recognize they're normal, but I prefer to think they don't happen. And that I don't let them happen ON him when we're about to have SEX.

He let me have a few moments to compose myself. When I didn't come out, he commented that he bet I was red as a beet... which resulted in another round of laughter for us. I said I didn't want to come out, I was too embarrassed. He didn't push me or rush me.

He sat back between my feet and started jacking off again. "Guess I'll have to take care of myself then," he said, trying to get me to come out from my hiding spot. I said that was fine with me.

But then I started listening to the sound... and I realized my feet were in close proximity to his body. I ran a right foot tentatively up his chest. I couldn't see anything, so I went by feel. I wandered up his body again, this time feeling for his face. I found his neck and ran up to his face. His lips found my toes, his free hand guided my foot around his mouth. He kissed my toes, the bottom of my feet.

I ran my foot back down his body and back up. I scrunched my toes around his nose. His tongue licked the arch of my foot, then he started flicking in between my toes. His tongue was strong, warm, and wet. It felt so good and turned me on. He moaned lightly as he kissed my feet. I scrunched my toes again and he sighed. He loves it when I grip his face.

He moaned and then said something completely unexpected: "This reminds me of how I got off the other day."

"What?" I could not remember doing anything with my feet this week.

"Yeah... I jacked off sniffing your shoes... oh I came so good."

"What!?!?!" Another revelation. He's never expressed interested in smelling my shoes. I knew it was interesting to some foot fetish guys, but he's never said or shown anything. And then I needed to know, "Which shoes?"

"The purple ones... your flats." Oh, so my favorite pair of shoes... my 2-year old purple suede Nine West shoes that I've worn at least 50% of the time the past two years.

"Show me?" I wanted to see it. He agreed. Out I came from under my pillow and off to find my shoes. I retrieved them and gave them both to him. He took one in his free hand, kept his dick in the other, and took a deep, long sniff into it. I watched, so curious and fascinated.

His eyes rolled back in pleasure. "Baby, your feet are so very sexy. I love how sexy your feet are." Another sniff and his body started to lean back away from me. I placed my feet near his balls, and scrunched his testicles with my toes. His body visibly tensed. Another sniff. His jacking off motion was slower now. He didn't need that much stimulation. A final sniff and he was cumming. Hard. My feet continued to scrunch at his balls. His body trembled as cum poured from his cock.

And then we went to bed, me cuddling to his chest in his arms. The night wasn't anything like we expected or planned. We recovered and took it to something beautiful. And that is real world sex.

Being "open minded"

So in the sex positive and kink community, there's a concept called "open minded." I've found it can mean different things to different people. Are any of these specifically right or wrong? I think that's up to you and what you think of this concept.

Open and up for anything. I think there's one interpretation where "open minded" means "I'll do anything." Normally where one partner wants something and another does not, and the partner who isn't getting what they want considers the other one "close minded." I'm guilty as charged in this. I called my ex closed minded about sex.  In the end, I realized that there was no amount of talking that would fix this. He was and is who he is with his desires; I am me. We were a complete sexual mismatch. Was that our only problem? No. But, it was a significant problem considering how much and how often I like to have sex - and all kinds of sex.

Not everyone is a sexual match. Even my BF and I, with all our sex and fun we have, sometimes we like different things. I want a hand job, he wants sex. I want to fuck him, he wants a hand job. He wants to pee on me, I don't really enjoy that. So far we haven't said "no" to each other on something we want. Sometimes I hear envious comments on twitter from someone seeking a partner who matches their desires. They want someone "open minded."

I don't know how to respond to that. To me, "open minded" does not mean "I want everything you want" or "I'll try anything you ask me to." That's not what its about. I do believe in what Dan Savage calls "GGG" which is "good, giving, and game." We should be open to our partner's desires and wants. We should be open to exploring... just as our partner should understand that each person's limits are different. And just because you try something doesn't mean you'll like it or want to do it again. Give and take.

No judgement. Does being "open minded" mean that you will not judge/think badly of someone for acting in a sexual way that's not similar to your tastes? Maybe. I think you should at least respect that people may like different flavors other than you. Some of us are vanilla and others are... rainbow kink, for lack of a better term. The BF and I are into a lot of things that's not for everyone. And that's OK. If you don't like it, I understand. I don't expect you to read every entry and like it; some people are into some things more than others. Some guys don't understand my BF's foot fetish; some women are uncomfortable with ass play. To each his own.

An issue I see is that being open minded is not just about allowing for the variety of sex in this universe; sometimes, we're just uncomfortable with something and it's off limits to us. Sometimes I have conversations with people on twitter and I end up shaking my head in disbelief of "I don't get it." Some things make me uncomfortable and they probably always will. I don't like hiding things from your partner, especially if it involves other partners they don't know about. I don't like public humiliation; it makes me very uncomfortable and it would break my heart to do it. (Of course, I have nothing against humiliation in the bedroom...)

So what happens when we come across those with tastes, predilections, desires, and fetishes that are so opposite our own? We can ignore, for certain. We can run far away and pretend they don't exist. We could tell the person he/she is "wrong" for their likes.

 In my mind the real key to being open minded is accepting that the person is that way and you can't change that. You shouldn't want to change that. What we all should do is accept the fact that we're all different and move on. The world is full of diversity; you don't have to understand it to get on in life. (Just like I don't understand how anyone can like the game Minecraft which the BF is currently obsessed with... but I love him anyway.)