Formspring Friday: Self acceptance and Pegging

Q. I know this is supposed to be for questions, but I just wanted to thank you for doing this blog. I've had issues believing in myself, and that someone out there would find me attractive. Your blog has inspired me to not give up and keep moving forward.
I'm so glad to hear your confidence is growing! I'm so happy to hear the feedback, even if it is anonymous. I used to feel the same way, in fact I've had quite a journey of self-acceptance as you can reading in "Being sex positive part 1" and "part two." I've learned that the world is full of people who enjoy a variety of things; we all can find someone (or many someones) who find you attractive. If anything, I would say a lack of self-confidence is holding you back more than any physical quality you're unsure of.

Believe in yourself! I hope you find someone who can help you, but realize the world is a big place and if you haven't found someone yet, there's always tomorrow. (Cheesy and cliched message aside, I REALLY mean that!). Find what you do like about yourself and then find reasons to like more of you. I've had terrible confidence in my body for years, but man does my BF love every bit of me, even the parts I'm not so fond of. But they are a part of me - And I rock.

I'm not sure if you're male/female/other or what in particular has you concerned, but check out these tumblr lists for some body-positive views:

http://unhungheroes.tumblr.com/ - dedicated to the smaller penises in the world
http://lovemyvagina.tumblr.com/ - showing the variety of vulva's in the world
http://onlycutechubbygirls.tumblr.com/ and http://onlycutechubbygirlsxxx.tumblr.com/ - both dedicated to the "chubby" and BBW's
http://boobsmall.tumblr.com/  - celebrating small boobs! Small boobs are beautiful.
http://redaddict.tumblr.com/ - Redheads and gingers only - and boy are they adored
http://txperv.tumblr.com/ - real life amateur sex shots of anyone
http://fuckyeahgeekgirls.com/ - geek girls!
http://samberrilicious.tumblr.com/ - probably my favorite tumblr voice on being body positive and OK with the body you have - thin, skinny, chubby, fat, whatever!

I'm sure there are plenty more out there that I haven't seen. Trust me, you're sexy and someone out there is looking for you. Don't give up!

Q. I want my wife to peg me, but I don't think she'll be into it. Any advice?
I have a ton of advice!

First - TALK to her about it. Tell her what you want, why you want it, when you want to do it, how you'd like to do it. There's no need for flip charts or presentations, but just say it. Until you do, it will be this big thing in your mind and all you will do is think of how big and how wrong it might be.

Communication is key.  If you can't talk about why you want it,  you'll never make it to selecting the toys or even trying it together for the first time. Talk, talk talk.

It shouldn't be a "I need you to do this for me" or "Guess what we're going to try..." Don't assume she's a yes, but also don't assume she'll freak out on you and say no to it. Approach it as "I've been thinking..." or "Lately I've thought about..." and just spill it. Don't use euphemisms or avoid words like "peg" "fuck" "ass" "dildo." It might lead to confusion. You want this: own it. Show confidence in why you want to do this, but more importantly why HER involvement is so important to you. There are few things sexier than a man telling you why he wants YOU to do something with him.

Anything beyond talking will depend on how the talk with your wife goes. She may be excited, she might be uncertain, or it could freak her out. Whatever her reaction is, don't react out of anger or disappointment. She might need time to think about it and consider it. She may need to do research to realize it is done A LOT, just no one talks about it.

This is a dialogue, keep it that way. Reacting and starting an argument will only make the topic that much more controversial and result in a dislike of it. Just be patient.

Make it a point to talk about her wants and desires. Hopefully this isn't the first open and honest talk about sex you've had -- so you should have some topics of your own. What would she like to try? How often do you use toys on her? Make this an exciting thing for you both to discover.

If she's up for it, send her to some blogs like my own that talk about pegging from a woman's perspective so she can see it for herself. Above all, make sure she knows its about you and you want to experience it with her.

If it doesn't go well, don't hold it against her. Not everyone is into everything. Things might change down the road or they may not. If not, then I guess you'll be buying some dildos or plugs to use on your own!

May the 4th

... be with you!

Today is May 4th, aka, STAR WARS day!!! Star Wars is, and ever will be, my most favorite movie of all time. So to celebrate, we give you these....

In our Star Wars shirts and panties

I got booty!

Lifting it up....

Getting closer...

This picture blocked by the boyfriend.

Hope you enjoy our Star Wars feature. And seriously, Han shot first...

The appreciation factor

There's something about having sex with a partner who appreciates not just your mind or your personality, but your body. That full appreciation for how you turn him on, what he finds sexy, and how he wants not just to fuck you, but to FUCK YOU, your whole body.

I've come to appreciate just how delicious it is to have hands wander not for a sweet caress, but to wander because there is a lust for every part of me, and he can't decide which one he needs in his grasp that moment. That lust for my thighs were he grabs at them, but they're too big to get a hand around them, so he grabs and grabs at them, gasping at the flesh under him. My muscular and slightly fleshy thighs.

He grabs at the top and the sides while he's on top, gripping as much as he can but he can't get a good grip. That never stops him from trying more. He moans into my chest as he grabs at them. His grip is strong, hard, and almost hurts. But not quite. Sometimes he rakes his fingers like a deep scratch without scratching me. I can feel his strength through his hands.

Or if he's kneeling fucking me hard, he grabs my inner thighs while my legs are spread. This is my fleshiest part, but he loves how tender they are. He grips gently, never hurting me.

Then my butt. My fleshy ass. This he can grip one cheek at a time, to hold however he likes. Normally he just pulls one sideways, his hand under me as he is on top of me. Sometimes he grips both cheeks while his head rests on my breasts. Sometimes, he grabs at them like he wants to tear off a chunk and devour it.

Sometimes he bites my ass when we're not even having sex.

My feet. He loves my feet. Recently he just wants to sniff them when we have sex, and he doesn't care that I last showered yesterday morning - they are too sexy to be denied. For him, my feet are heaven and the smell and feel goes straight to his dick.

My vagina.  Nothing tells me he loves my body more than when he sighs and moans and gasps when his dick first enters my vagina. "Ohhhh!" and the air is cut off in his throat. "Oh I love your pussy... oh fuck! Its amazing...." and then sometimes, "Oh fuuuuck baby you have the best pussy in the world...." and the look on his face of absolute wonder and delight of my very wet and warm vagina.

Then there is the smell and taste of me - you've read about how he loves to smell me (here and here). He loves the taste of me, too. Its delicious, he can't get enough of either.

He calls me beautiful. Beautiful, no matter what time of day or what I'm wearing. Beautiful because I am his, and he loves all of me. Literally.

Then I cried when he ate me out

Note: This is part 2 of a 3 part series on one evening of sex. Read part 1 here. 

 I laid back, waiting for him to make his move. Had I changed his mind?

Yes, I had. He laid down in between my legs to see my freshly shaved pussy. He laid sideways so one of my legs was over his body. I opened my legs far for him, and one touch of his finger to my clit, so light, so gentle, had my eyes closed tight. He slowly slid his tongue over my clit and I moaned loudly. He teased me lightly, fingers from both hands wandering around my pussy.

I moaned and cried out, he flicked his tongue across me rapidly. It was like heaven touching me. My whole world became my clit, my pussy, my vagina. A finger in me, gentle, barely there, tantalizing me as his tongue wandered up, down, and circled my clitoris. His tongue wandered down me, to the spot just below my clit.

As he teased me, he would stop his tongue and not move it, just let it sit on me. My body would tremble, and I begged him to move against me. He would sometimes remove his tongue altogether and yawn, I could feel his whole body fill with air. But he didn't act tired as he played with me, he continued loving my clit. His finger wandered further into me, fucking me gently as he sucked at my clit. His wet mouth felt amazing on me.

Then another yawn. But this time, I heard something different. He wasn't exhaling air. He was inhaling.

"Are you smelling my pussy?" I ask, bewildered.

"Mmhmm," he tells me. He inhales again, and I feel his fingers pulling my lips wider apart.  I am awed. he goes back to licking my pussy, and I feel a wave of emotions hitting me. My eyes prick with tears. I am overcome. He is eating me more intensely, and I'm moaning in high pitched almost squeals of pleasure.

He smells me again, and eats, and smells more. Now that he knows I'm aware of what he's doing, he's smelling me more, nose practically touching me as he fills himself with my scent.

I am overwhelmed. I start to cry a little as he eats and sucks at my clit. I'm almost to orgasm and I'm feeling the most wonderful, compelling joy I've ever experienced. He sniffs and smells me, he inhales as deeply as he can. Finally, I start to cum and it feels good but I'm distracted by my emotions of the moment. As I'm cumming his finger takes over my clit, but I push his wrist away. I can't take it. He stops and sits up, confused.

He looks at my face and asks what's going on. I look at him, and the reality of my experience takes over. I look at him with blurry eyes, I try to tell him, to find words. But I can't. Tears start to fall down my face and he puts a hand on my face and asks me gently what's up.

I try to verbalize the whirlwind I'm in, "I'm.... I'm... just..." and then I'm in full tears, crying. "I'm so happy!" with a sob I roll to my side and curl up into a little ball. He immediately surrounds me, holding me to him. He's cradling me against him and I'm wrapped around him. I'm sobbing into him. He's letting me cry. He's not sure what to say.

"You just... you just don't know what it feels like!" I cry. "To go from being told you're so dirty and gross to be loved like this..." I can't describe what I'm feeling. All I can do is just cry into him. "I never imagined that someone could ever love my body like this."

He holds me, and chuckles, "Honey, I love you. You are so beautiful, so sexy, I love every part of you. He was a moron you smell so good baby." He holds me tight to him.

I calm down and he kisses my cheek wet from tears. He makes sure I look into his eyes and he asks if he can continue making me cum, he's not done yet. I bashfully nod my approval.

He kisses my stomach as he crawls down in between my legs again. He smells me more, pulling my lips wide. He licks and sucks at me more and more. I'm in emotional ecstasy, and he makes a show of smelling me as much as he can. Big, deep breaths. He makes me cum twice more.

I feel vulnerable, close. He moves up to kiss him and I taste sweet on his mouth. But then he shows me his very hard dick, and he tells him he needs to fuck me, the smell of my pussy has made him rock hard...

to be continued.

Am I a demisexual?

So I was browsing the forums on Eden Fantasys and came across a poll on how you would label yourself if you had to. The options were ones that I was mostly familiar with (I never claimed to be an expert!). Aside from hetero/gay/lesbian/bi there were options of pan/omni/asexual/other and then ones I wasn't sure belonged such as trans/intersexed and one I'm not sure where it goes - bi-curious. (You can see the current results and forum discussion here.)

Anyway, midway through the comments I saw a post about someone who identified themselves as a demisexual. I've never heard of this term, and neither had a lot of the discussion board members.  Finally, someone submitted the authoritative definition from Urban Dictionary:

Demisexuals are characterized by a lack of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons. The level of connection it takes for sexual desire to form is dependent on how close the relationship is rather than initial attraction. It is an orientation that is not chosen. 

Hmm. Now that rings some bells for me. I've said for years that personality beats physical attraction hands down for me, but I'm not so sure that's specifically what this definition means. Its really about how you're not attracted until there is some connection between you and the other person. 

I really identify with this. I have a very hard time being sexually attracted through imagery alone. It just doesn't work for me. I also can't be attracted to you if I think you're an asshole. I'm only ever attracted to someone with whom I've interacted and I like personality wise.  I can't get past that, I won't even look at you 'that way' until you've won me over emotionally. I have to be your friend first.

But then I think back on history... I've had crushes on guys without knowing them, or have locked eyes and felt that drop in your stomach when you've looked too long or too directly. That thrill of a look lingering, or a joke being exchanged when others don't notice. Another reason my ex and I didn't work out is that I just wasn't attracted to him - at all, in any way. 

But then I've found girls to be appealing too, and I've never had a sexual-type relationship bond with a woman, but I sure do find them attractive. But then, am I finding them attractive or just their body parts?  And what about men?

When I look at a clothed man, I look at his hands, body type, face. A naked man, I look at penis, shoulders, and body type. I'll also look at his ass if its in view. When I look at a clothed woman, I look at her face, hair, body type, and breasts. A naked woman I look at her pussy, breasts, nipples, legs, then face.  

Basically, I objectify you if you're naked, but if you're clothed I look at all of you. But isn't that the way most of us use porn or porn-type images? I look at the picture for sexual excitement, not to see who you are. 

So back to real life. Let's talk about my boyfriend. Way, way back before we were flirting I looked him up online (I can online stalk pretty well... so watch yourselves!) and, while I don't remember what picture he had up on facebook, I remember not thinking anything about it. It could be because most of his face was probably hidden so I couldn't see much. Fast forward after we've been flirting for a few months - yeah, I found him attractive. Really attractive.

Fast forward to us getting to the point talking about our sexual orientations, what we liked in bed, and daaaaamn my pussy was on fire for him. When we started having phone sex I was cumming so hard and good - better than I've ever cum with my fingers before. And when we started skype sexing? Wow oh wow. My first multiple orgasms. And then sex? Read about our first night of sex here and here (you know if its a 2-parter its got a LOT of detail...).

So has physical attraction upped the pleasure factor for me? Without a doubt, it has. Can I feel attraction for someone without that personal attraction? I don't think so - not attraction that would lead to any real world experiences. I can't fantasize about someone who I don't know personally - its impossible. I can't picture anything sexual with someone unless I have some mental affection for them.

BF's ass after a few min after spanking. I find it so sexy.

So am I demisexual? Maybe. Does it really matter? No, not really. But its interesting to think about. Where are you at?

Formspring Friday: Naked pictures of me

Q. Why haven't you posted any hot nude photos of yourself? We know you're gorgeous and we want to see!
Interesting question. Aside from my twitter profile picture, the only photos of me on this blog are, so far, my feet and a flash of my boobs. Despite posting about my change in self-confidence and being in a sex-positive relationship, I'll admit to be unhappy with the state of my body right now... to the point that I don't like showing it to anyone but the BF.

 

 

 

 

 

BF's reaction is kinda like this. Or it feels like this to me.

 The BF's reaction to my body is undeniable attraction. He can't keep his hands off me, and when I flash my body or dress scantily around the house, he loves it.  I can't get enough of his reactions to me. But does that mean I'm comfortable when I look in the mirror? No, not really. I can see beauty and even better, the potential of beauty. I take a picture I think will be sexy -- but I see a lot of flaws.

I told the BF about this question, and he wanted to also know my reason. Why hadn't I? As far as he's concerned, I can post everything except my face. He thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, what's not to like? When I told him it was because I didn't like the flaws, he didn't know what I meant. What flaws?  Well, the fat and the stretch marks I have. He said, "Honey, those aren't flaws... those are a beautiful parts of you."

Well, until I can see that or I'm more comfortable showing more parts of me, they will remain a mystery I think. I do like to play with the camera... a few weeks ago when I took the bathtub photos of my feet I took a bunch more of my body for the BF - lots of pussy shots just for him.  The other night I took out the camera while he and I were both in lingerie and we got some terrific shots of my boobs.

My boobs are about the only part of me I'm comfortable sharing right now - cause they are fantastic. Perhaps my pussy will one day make an appearance... I'm not sure why I'm stuck on this idea that it has to be "perfect" to post. In the pictures I have its unshaven about three weeks after my last Brazilian wax, so its kind of hairy. I'm not sure why it has to be either full bush or bare for me to think its share-worthy. Truth is, I love my pussy regardless of the amount of hair. And so does the BF. I'll have to think about that.

But for now, a boob pic for you to enjoy:

Yes, my boobs are filling the cup area and spilling out the top.

 Want to ask me a question? Just head to formspring.me/billikesscifi and ask anything you want. Really. Anything. Try me. I'll answer the following Friday.

Adam & Eve fail - Tweeting Misleading Info on Vaginas

It makes me angry when someone who is supposed to be an expert in something intentionally misleads their followers. Today, I saw a well known sex toy company post about a controversial topic with a link to a dubious article. Here is the post and the website link.

For me, Adam & Eve are an expert in the sex toy industry. They've been in business for over 40 years and have sold products to more than 7.4 million customers. On twitter, when this tweet was made, they had over 26,000 followers. Obviously, they have a respected following among the sex toy industry, helping their customers achieve sexual satisfaction.

That's what makes this tweet so offensive to me. The tweet read: "How To Tighten Loose Vagina For Sexual Gratification" then followed with the link.  I have an issue that a loose vagina is necessary for sexual gratification, as can be implied from the way this is worded. A vagina does not have to be "tight" to be sexually satisfying! What exactly is "tight" or "loose" anyway? It depends on the vagina and the penis and each person's preference.

If your vagina is loose, does it mean your partner is unhappy with you? Can't get satisfied from you? Wishes it were someone else's vagina? No, it doesn't. If your partner mentions that you're loose, the next thing that needs to happen is a conversation. Is this just an in-the-moment observation compared to normal? If there's anything I've noticed from my vagina, is that some days its tighter and other days its looser. It depends on my mood, my hormones, how horny I am, what toys I've been using. If its consistent, let's consider two possibilities: A) The guy has a tiny dick or B) you're vagina is/has changed.

As the article mentions, the most major change a vagina goes through is childbirth. The great expansion and stress from childbirth does stretch out the vagina. The muscles are weakened. It does feel loose. It is different after childbirth. How does that affect you? That's a conversation only you two can have together. You need to discuss what it means for you both - is this a big deal, or no issue? No one can tell you whether your vagina is good or bad -- and no one should.  Just because you or your partner has goes through vaginal delivery, it doesn't mean sex is over or you'll never experience sexual satisfaction ever again.

However, the author of this article could be a bit more gentle with his language when it says that a vagina that has gone through childbirth becomes "wide pot-hole like." Wow, what a way to make your female readers feel good about being new mothers! Or your male readers look forward to sex post-baby. What kind of baby am I giving birth to, anyway? A 5 year old? Could you be more negative? How about a few sentences later, when the author states, "But if the vagina turns loose, this does not happen and so the partners do not get the desired pleasure out of the sexual act. Continuous dissatisfaction in love-making may deteriorate the emotional bond between couples, putting their relationship at stake."

So... if I go through childbirth or my vagina loosens with age (or whatever reason), I'm at a risk of losing the emotional bond and my relationship may fail -- did I get that right, Mr. Article Author? And Adam & Eve, is this the message you really want to tell your fan/customer base?  Well, let's follow the same logic: one night my partner can't get it up, or it takes him longer to get hard. Well! there goes the relationship! Childbirth = relationship killer! No wonder the divorce rate is so high... right?

NO. This is such a terrible message to spread to any sexually active or to-be-one-day-sexually active person. Man or woman, it doesn't matter. It sets the wrong expectations and the wrong focus on how sexual gratification is received. Sexual satisfaction is so much more than penis-in-vagina friction. That is really only a small part of it -- what about the intimate kissing, touching, talking, feeling? The sharing of your body and mind with your partner? If a slight change in penis-in-vagina feeling is ALL that your relationship depends on, you shouldn't be in that relationship!

Let's get to the article's real sketchy advice on "fixing" this problem. The first solution is actually reliable - kegel exercises. These are real, medically backed exercises that do improve vagina muscles and increase sexual satisfaction for women. The stronger your vagina, the stronger your orgasms! You can do these on your own, or buy some specific exercise toys from your preferred sex store retailer to help you focus and build those muscles.  Now the article states that you should "Assume that a tampon has been inserted in to your vagina. Now contract your vagina to check the falling off of the tampon."  Erm, excuse me? When has a tampon ever "fallen off" or "fallen out"? That's not how the body works! This author has no idea how the female body works.

On to the remaining 5 suggestions - each one being dangerous and not recognized at all in the medical community. Vagina tightening pills and creams? Are you kidding me? I'll bottle some lube, add some food coloring, dangerous perfume, and call it a "tightening cream"! What, does that sound dangerous and irresponsible and something that I would only sell to make a fast buck? Bingo! And yet the author links to several sites suggesting them to be effective... These pills are made of astringents and the cream has glycerin. The website for this cream states that a tight vagina will prevent your man from cheating on you! (Head-desk.... FAIL). Seriously, Adam & Eve, did you even read this article and the links before you told your 26,000+ twitter followers?

And then one suggestion that I really hated - surgery to re-tighten your vagina. Any medically optional surgery should be avoided, in my opinion. These surgeries to "fix" or "rejuvenate" or "re-virginize" put a terrible expectation on women. There is nothing wrong with you -- stop "fixing" a problem that exists in the narrow-minded sexist person in your life! Surgery for "love" (or worse, "obligation") is the last thing a woman who is confident and self-respecting will do.

The last suggestion has me shaking my head. Weighted tampons? I've never heard of such a thing, so I googled it. Nada. So I'm guess the author is suggesting using a tampon as resistance to squeeze against? (Again - if he's suggesting we women have to hold onto a tampon, he's clueless about the female body.)  Tampons are actually kind of dangerous. You're never supposed to use one when you're not on your period and even then you could end up really sick. Your body was not meant to have a dry item in it for hours on end. I can't think of a more painful thing than inserting one when I'm not on my period... ladies, please don't ever do it!

And finally - a little info on this article. Oh Adam & Eve, did you even look at who the author was? This article is someone on blogger -- not my first idea of an "expert" by any means. The website is "MediMiss" and run by a guy who is a professional blogger/webmaster. So, no expert there. But he's not the article author - in fact, the author is the Jhon Napier, the guy selling those dubious (and dangerous) pills and creams that the article links to! He's just a guy selling herbal supplements that haven't been reviewed or medically tested by anyone... His website only claims that their products are manufactured in a safe environment. Well, thank goodness... now let's get them tested and deem them safe before we fucking insert them into one of the most sensitive areas of our bodies, shall we? Fuck you Jhon Napier!

I asked a couple of guy friends who have had babies with their partners and - shocker! - are still in a relationship after the fact. Was it different feeling? At first, yes. The vagina is still healing, just like any other normal body part will after trauma. Did it take longer to get off? Sure, at first it was more work. But you know what? As one guy pointed out, SEX IS WORK. Sex is a calorie burning activity - so new moms and dads, you'll be burning more calories post-baby. That doesn't sound like a bad thing to me!

On being sex postive pt2

Note: This is a continuation of my prior blog post about how I was in a long sex negative relationship and how I eventually escaped it by standing up for myself and what I wanted. This post is about recovering from the emotional damage and finding confidence in  yourself. 

In this post, I am brutally honest about me and my insecurities. In sharing this part of me, I hope I can show one person that has felt like I did or experienced what I have, see that there is something better out there.

At first glance, the BF liked what he saw in a few pictures of me. All I saw was an overweight, uncomfortable and awkward girl that didn't feel anywhere near cute or pretty or sexy. I saw beauty in my eyes, hair, and boobs, but everything else was... well, I didn't want to think about it.

These are my boobs.

Now he wanted more pictures. He wanted pictures of my feet. That was easy - I do have nice feet. Were they sexy? How was I supposed to know? Apparently they are because he jacked off to them the day he get my pictures. I remember modeling my feet, trying to figure out what the best angle was. In the end, I figured I couldn't go too wrong with feet.

We started skyping, and what he saw through my clothes he seemed to like, but I was so uncertain about going further. What if he decided he didn't like it? What if he wasn't attracted to me? What if he were disgusted or repelled by all the extra fat on my body? Would he care about my stretch marks, brought on by rapid weight gain from depression and medical issues? What about my extra body hair, where I have to pluck and tweeze and shave and wax almost every day?

He complimented me on my looks. It was uncomfortable. I didn't believe him. I couldn't see what he was saying - when I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw. I hated to even watch the little window in the Skype screen that showed what I looked like. It wasn't pretty -- to me.

Eventually he asked to see my boobs. I have beautiful boobs, in my opinion, so I allowed it. When I pulled my dress down and showed them, he gave a little gasp and called them "Perfect." He loved the size of my DD's... my large areolae that are the lightest pink, and my big nipples. He didn't care about or even see the flaws that I thought might be there. I feared my nipples were too small, they pointed down rather than up, they were lower on my chest than I wanted. But to him they were perfect. He never called them anything else. He jacked off to me, watching me play with them. I began to believe him.

But then he wanted more. He wanted to see my ass. And now I was almost terrified. There was no way he would think my butt was nice. No one had ever complimented it. Ever. He asked and I said no for days. He kept asking. He seemed to like what he saw when I was fully clothed, but clothing could hide a lot. But he was so in love and interested in me, how could I resist? So one day I showed him. My back turned, facing away so he could see my butt, I heard nothing but a happy sound and he was telling me my ass was sexy, incredible, so beautiful. Exactly the kind of ass he loved.

And them my stomach. My stomach which is the biggest part of me, the most frustrating part. It's fine, despite its stretch marks and a fat roll that ends just above my pussy. He calls it sexy, he loves to see it, feel it. He doesn't care how it looks when I'm in my corsets or interferes with my underwear or strap-on harness. It's a sexy tummy for him.

I felt a change starting to take place in me. It was incredible, this feeling that someone could see me as beautiful or sexy.  Was it possible he could really like me for me, just as I am?

Fast forward a few weeks, and we are now skype masturbating together. I keep the camera focused on my chest and face. He coaches me through multiple orgasms, the first ones I've ever experienced. Afterwards, I flip on my stomach, still naked, head resting on my hands, giggling and talking with him. He asks me to shift the camera so he can see more of me. I turn it, so he can see some of my back, ass, and thighs. He loves the view. At some point he makes me laugh, and when I do my ass rises in the air slightly. He notices and his attention is drawn there. I lay my head down and push my ass up. His response is burned forever in my memory: He jumps up in his chair, punches the air, huge smile on my face, slight growl escaping his lips.

I ask him what is going on. He says, "Ohh god, you're so fucking beautiful! I can't get over it!" And I break into a smile, blushing red. He sees it immediately, and I'm hiding my face out of shyness. I'm overcome with this warmness in my heart, this joy infecting my soul. I'm convinced: to him, I am as beautiful as he could want me to be. Whatever the flaws and imperfections I see are unimportant and he sees only beauty there.

Time has passed since that moment, but I will never forget it. Every day he tells me over and over I'm beautiful, I'm sexy, I'm pretty, I'm perfect, I'm cute. He can't keep his eyes and hands off me. I totally and completely believe him.

But more importantly, I believe in myself. Beauty comes in different packages. I am going to work on getting back to the shape that I prefer for myself. I've started that journey and will continue it. But I am no longer trapped into one version of myself that is beautiful and the current version is not. That's not how it works. 

One of the keys to great sex is confidence in yourself. Without it, you'll never like who you are and it will show. Your partner will sense it but will have no clue on how to fix it. The only one who can fix it is you. You have to be willing to take the risk, trust in yourself, believe what that special someone sees in you. Find reasons to like it in yourself.  It has amazed me as I've wandered around twitter and tumblr how much "beautiful" is described in forms I would never have guessed. It isn't what you see on the newstands and in movies! Its variety in every size and shape and color of boob, areola, and nipple. I've seen tiny ones and huge ones I didn't know could exist - and I see hundreds of "reblogs" under all of these images, because so many people likes and appreciates them and want to jerk off to them.

Does that mean everyone likes everyone? Not necessarily, we all have our own tastes. If you are with someone who doesn't like YOU - and by you, I mean ALL of YOU - then fucking move on with your life. You don't deserve to be unhappy and feel bad about yourself with someone. Fix what you don't like if you can and find that someone who thinks you're absolutely gorgeous just as you are.

Beauty is never just about looks, its about personality, too. At the end of the day, a bitch is still a bitch no matter how great she looks. She's a short term attraction, kind of like a carnival ride. But no one wants a carnival ride for life. They want to go to the carnival and then go home and live life. My BF and I started out as anonymous friends before the physical attraction was in play. We were attracted mentally and (yay!) physically to each other. That is the winning combo.

On being sex positive pt 1

Disclaimer: This post has very little to do with sex. Well, actually it has a LOT to do with sex, but it does not contain a sexy story.

Lately, I've been thinking about the journey I've been on in the past 5-10 years. It's been a pretty dramatic transformation, personally. The last couple of years has been an insane ride. In an attempt to digest my past, present, and future, I've decided to blog about it. 

This is a new type of post for me, its personal. I already feel vulnerable and I've not said anything personal yet.  So let's get real.

I think it all started when I discovered at 18 that I had a condition called PCOS which explained some confusing things that made me feel different from other girls. Among them - an inability to have a regular period, the ability to gain weight rapidly and nearly impossible to lose, more hair on my body than what I normally see on girls, and a high probability I'll never be able to have kids.

That's a lot to take at 18, when life is just starting and you're told some of the best parts of you are defective and fucked up. At 18 I was not in shape but not out of shape. I was curvy and knew how to dress to accentuate those curves. I was also in a relationship with a guy who I thought I liked - after all, we got along great... but I didn't know what I was missing because I was just 18 and stupid.

He proposed when I was 19, and I accepted. I was 19 going on 25, or so I thought. I had my life figured out. Or so I thought. He ate me out for the first time on my 19th birthday. It lasted all of 30 seconds before he told me I tasted too bad for him to go on. I didn't have the nerve to ask him to try again for another 6 months. When he couldn't handle it again, I figured out I was the problem, just another defective part of my female system. I decided that life had officially screwed me, so I would just have to deal with it.

Youth is stupid. I got married at 20 and thought I was happy. Sex was boring. I remember losing my virginity and when it was over 30 seconds later I thought: that's it? Sad. I got little enjoyment from sex itself. Our first year of marriage we had sex about once a week. To me that seemed odd - isn't the "average" like three times a week? We're newlyweds, what's wrong? He couldn't understand it - why wasn't I interested? I wouldn't admit to myself what a mistake I'd made.

A lot was wrong. He didn't like toys. Our once a week turned into longer stretches of time until it was once a month when I would get so fucking horny I couldn't stand it. We'd have sex and then I'd have him give me a hand job until I came. When we had our once a month fuck I'd fantasize about other men to keep myself wet and in the moment. It helped, but it didn't fix the problem. I stopped asking for oral - it hurt too much to be told over and over how 'dirty' I was.

And it wasn't just the taste. He didn't like my smell. He would wash his hands after touching me, he didn't want the smell to linger. He would shower after sex to wipe our cum off. If cum spilled on the bed we had to wash the sheets immediately. All I felt was that I was dirty, gross, and there was no way that ME - my fluids and my desires - could ever be desired or enjoyed by another.

I told him I wasn't attracted to him. I wanted to be separated. I wasn't sure I wanted to be in this anymore. I was having sex dreams about exes and other men, never about him. If I thought about him I'd get turned off and could never cum. We couldn't afford to live in separate apartments like I wanted, so I moved into the other bedroom. It was wonderful.

Finally, I told him I wanted out. I couldn't take it anymore. At this point I was so desperate for some good sex I was almost ready to cheat. I never did, but it was close. What remained of our relationship ended quickly, and he was gone.

I felt free. Free, with a price. Years of feeling bad about myself, bad about what I liked and wanted had taken their toll. My weight was up nearly 65 pounds from that marriage. I felt ugly, fat, gross. I didn't seek anyone out - it wasn't even a consideration for me.

And then the BF entered my life. I delayed showing him my picture for months, afraid and nervous. I was too heavy, too unattractive. He would see it and run. Finally, I couldn't delay it any longer. But I told him I didn't want to disappoint him. I told him about that stupid condition I'm trying to control (with hardly any success) and how I don't like who I am today. I sent him that message via FB and went to bed, dreading the next day.

He wrote back with this: I see a short, bigger girl. who is very pretty. and does have a very sex body. your eyes are very pretty. they look to be baby blue. don't worry abut losing any lbs for me hun i love you just the way you are. and i do spend every waking hour thinking abut you. ps i iam falling very hard for you 

How the world changed!

To be continued.