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TMI Tuesday: Sex Talk & Sex Ed

June is Adult Sex Ed Month (twitter: #AdultSexEdMonth). The movement was started by blogger @GoodDirtyWoman on twitter. Please read more here: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/june-is-adultsexedmonth/

Source: http://sex-in-words.blogspot.com

This week’s TMI Tuesday questions were inspired by Sex-Ed writer Jon Pressick and his#dailysexdiscussion that happens on twitter.

1. Have you ever investigated having an open relationship?
- Have you tried to have an open relationship?

We have talked about having an open relationship, of sorts. Right now I'm looking for a girlfriend who will be my girlfriend (and not his). We're also open to probably playing with other people that we know. Our definition of open is more poly than swinging but we haven't really defined anything yet.

That said, there are definitely people we want to play with.

2. Do you have any sexual phobias?
- What have you done to manage or overcome them?

Maybe? There's not a lot I'm afraid of, sexually. I do have a weird thing about eating ejaculate if not deposited directly deep in my mouth. I don't dislike the taste. It's more that... the texture creeps me out a bit. If he comes on my face and wants me to lick it, I have a very hard time. I actually gag on it.

3. What is the best new sexual activity you have tried in 2013?

Wow.... am I at a loss for how to answer this question? I think I may be! I can't think of anything distinctly new we've done in 2013... hmmm....

4. Have you ever called into a sex advice radio/television show or written to a sex advice columnist?
- Was it helpful?

No, I prefer books and online research more.

5. Would you use the services of a sex therapist? Why or why not?

Yes, I would be open to that if I saw a need.

6. Should sex therapists be allowed to engage in actual sexual activities with clients? Why or why not?

I highly recommend watching the movie “The Sessions” based on a true story of how a sex therapist helped a disabled man live a full, rich life that included sex. Movie trailer:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1866249/

I think so. Not all therapy is done through talk therapy. Sometimes, physical touch is needed. I've often thought for sex that having interaction and working through the physical with someone knowledgeable would be a positive experience.

Bonus:  Have you read any adult sex ed books lately? What do you recommend?

No, nothing lately. I actually need to add some to my collection so I can continue my learning!

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Regaining life

Something I did not expect happened to me in May. I was offered a chance at a new life. It was presented in the form of a change switch: switch departments with a coworker and have some of the change I've been asking for from my work. Ok then.

I had no idea it was going to be so life-changing for me. I didn't move desks or even titles. I just switched responsibilities and my life was free. The change wasn't immediately felt. It took weeks of transition and training to get to something new.... and there it was.

Free time.

Something I hadn't quite experienced at this level for more than two years.

Two years.

I knew my life was out of balance, but I had no idea just how much it was until I actually came home from work - during the week - and found out I was bored. I had nothing to do! No work during the week in the evenings? Home by 7p every night? No full day of work during the weekend?

What am I going to do with myself?!

For the first week or so, I came home and just plopped on the couch, bored. I was not used to this free time and felt helpless. My fiance tried to make suggestions: paint, read, play a game, clean, laundry, draw, go shoe shopping, suck his penis, etc etc. It was so weird: so many choices and I had no idea which one to pick.

It wasn't like any of them were the wrong choice, just that I wasn't used to have any choice at all. Faced with so many choices, I froze.

I haven't had a choice in a couple of years.

When I started this blog a year and a half or so ago, I spent my weekends writing 2-3 entries while my fiance was ignored for most of a Saturday. It became a problem so I pulled back and writing and the number of entries and my stats reflected that. The past eight or six months have been a dreadful pause on writing; but I, as one person, can only do so much.

And now that I'm in a new department, I can breathe again! Live again! I was speaking with a coworker about this and found myself saying, "Yeah, I have time for a hobby again" and I just stopped speaking. What's a hobby?

I cannot believe I've been living life of 60-70 hour work weeks for so long, I've given up on any sort of hobby. Or life.

I have (or will have) a life again! I have no idea what to do with all of this time -- but surely I will find a way to occupy myself, right?

Step one: catch up on blogging.

TMI Tuesday: Navigating Sex

1. Answer Yes or No:
I Regret My First Kiss - yes.... only in that, it should have happened with someone else much earlier. Oddly enough, if I'd had the first kiss I should have, I would never have married my ex since I would have known what chemistry was. But I held off on the first kiss in the name of "saving it all for that special someone." Oh, the irony.
I Miss My First Love - no. We're still friends.
I Married My First Love - no.
I Loved Someone That Didn’t Love Me - no.

2. Do you consider yourself monogamous or polyamorous or some other category which you will explain or define for us now?
Other. And I made a little image to illustrate it. (We are the pink dot).
 

We started as monogamous, but we're heading more toward the polyamory side. I say 'we' even though its more like me. He is not interested in having extra relationships even though I'd be comfortable with him doing that. He is interested and supportive of me pursuing relationships with women as I'm not at all comfortable or able to be a swinger. We've discussed having additional male partners play with me and its something we'd both like to try. However, it would be more of a polyamorous connection than swinging as I need to have an emotional connection in order to have attraction and desire. I'm sure there's a better way to explain it, but I have no idea how that would be phrased.

3. Your partner is in the mood for sex and you are tired – what do you do?
a. Start snoring. There is no way I’m giving it up tonight.
b. Trade. You give me a massage… and we will see…
c. That would never happen!

It used to be C, but with my longer work hours and his early starts, its just not always feasible for us. Recently what we've done is cuddled as the horny one masturbated. This leaves about a 30% chance to mutual masturbation and/or sex anyway.  I'm not sure if there's anything sexier than having your lover hold you while they masturbate.

4. Does your partner mind if you masturbate, in bed, when they are there?
He only minds it if I wake him up from my moaning. And he never remembers it the next day, anyway. The most I get is him turning over to check on me, say a quick "You're naughty!" and he rolls back over.

5. Describe your typical sexual romp:
a. You are playful and tame
b. You have occasionally introduced a few things like outfits and toys
c. You love trying new things and shocking your partner

I'd say we're a B here. We normally don't shock each other... we're a slut for each other and we know that. 

Bonus: What was your best ever masturbation experience. Why was it the best? Describe.
Best ever? Impossible. I don't rate them and there's no way I could keep track of so many. Oh, I have a new favorite masturbation fantasy... but that will have to wait for a separate blog entry.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Geek post: my computer

A post like the following is probably long overdue. I am a geek/nerdy girl --- how have I not talked about my awesome little computer yet!? Four years ago I built myself a computer. It was my first solo build and it was so much fun to select every piece and see it come together. I'd done a couple of builds prior to this for other people and had help. For this to be mine, it was going to be truly my own.

It all started with the case. The case is just like a perfect outfit, a perfect frame, or the perfect car design. It's all for show but its only purpose is to house the real masterpiece which may be hidden from view. I really hadn't thought of what I wanted in a case when I started looking. At first I considered going all flashy with LED lights and colors as I'd never owned my own desktop. Why not go the really fun way?

But then I saw a case in a size I wasn't aware it existed - a miniATX. It was small - just 9 inches tall, 10 inches wide, and 14 inches deep. It was made of red steel. I was in love.

Sure, things are VERY cramped on the inside, especially since I originally purchase a graphics card that took up two PCI Express 2.0 slots... I barely fit in my wireless card. Cords were crammed into every corner, one even pinching itself underneath the graphics card so it could just fit across the case for front USB support.

I didn't care. The whole thing was ridiculously small and cute, something I thought was perfect for a 5 foot geeky girl like myself who loves red. The outside is very simple. There's no LED lights or visible fans. Just a couple of buttons and USB slots.

After four years, I've done nothing but wipe the hard drives and re-load just to refresh the computer. Oh, and I upgraded from Windows XP to Windows 7. But finally, the need for an upgrade really came when my graphics card could not keep up with the gaming graphics and FPS that I needed (that's frames per second, NOT first person shooter). My game is LOTRO and running a 12 or 24 man raid as the tank while everyone is doing the robot is... well, not a very good way to make a good impression as a tank. I muddled my way through with a couple of tries and then gave up. It was just time to upgrade.

In my search for a new card, I came across one where the onboard fan looked a little bit like the Millennium Falcon. I was a bit swayed by this as I'm a huge Star Wars nerd and why shouldn't I want this graphics card!? (If you are just now discovering my love for Star Wars, you need to look at my May the 4th posts from this year and last year). Actually, for my price range it had everything I needed. And, well, the pics will tell you the rest...

One of the best types of package to get in the mail! Newegg!

Oooh. It says "Dragon" on it. It must be cool!

A look inside my case with old graphics card, hidden behind all the wires!

Old card, opposite view. Wires barely reach in some places!

I may have overdone it on the RAM...

It's shiny!

Size comparison, old card to new. Isn't that red steel gorgeous?

New card all snugly inside. Rumored to run graphics in 12 parsecs or less.

And yes, the card can now handle those 12 mans. No more robot dancing in Middle Earth. Geek girl has saved herself once again!

A letter to Ugly

Note: This letter, while in response to a post an anonymous post at Molly's Daily Kiss called I am Ugly, is something I think any woman may need to read at some point. This is to all of us, when we feel 'ugly.'

Dear Ugly,
You are not alone. You may feel alone, but that does not mean that you are alone in your experience. Despite the wide reaches of the internet, its still possible to feel very lonely. Please hear me out as a sister of your suffering.

You and I are very similar.

I am also overweight. You are nearly 50 lbs overweight, I am over 90 lbs according to the published BMI ranges for my height. It's not a fun place to be. Some days its hard to look in the mirror. Your fat jeans become your normal jeans. And then your new fat jeans are the next size up and you can't believe you've jumped another size. Getting back to where you were seems like a hard, dangerous road. It's long, lonely, and difficult.

I also have too much hair on my body. I have PCOS, which means I have way more testosterone in my body than a woman should. I pluck every day to keep my chin hair, neck hair, mustache hair, and eyebrow hairs in check. I don't do a good job at it. I hate it when my lover notices if I missed a hair. Sometimes my facial hair grows really long, just one long strand on my face that is invisible until my lover tries to brush it away only to realize its connected. I have a happy trail I have to shave away. I have so much pubic hair I have to shave or wax or I get rashes from all the hair and the sweat it retains from the day. If I don't shave my legs every day, you can see it. I have more underarm hair than my male lover. I have to pluck hair from my nipples. I have hair on my toes, so much so that both lovers in my life have called me "hobbit." I struggle every day with my hair.

I have ugly stretch marks all over my thighs and stomach from two periods of depression in my life where I gained weight so fast. Now they won't go away. If a swimsuit is humiliating, then a swimsuit with long stretch marks down your thighs is even more so, because I'd have to wear men's shorts to hide them. So I stopped swimming.

Like you, I had a lover who found my body useful for sex but found parts of it unattractive. He didn't want whole parts of me. The sex was awful and I dreaded it. He gave me compliments, but the words were flat, empty, and meaningless. They were tokens of something that wasn't there. I tried to call him on it, but it just caused problems.

So, Ugly, we are not that different. In some ways, we live and have lived the same life. But that is where the similarities end.

Unlike you, I do not think I am ugly. In fact, I've found that I'm a beautiful person. I'm more round that I'd like to be, but I have beautiful breasts (saggy though they may be as DDs) and a big ass (cellulite, hairy ass crack, and all). I may have lots of hair, but its a nice brown color where I don't remove it. My body is high maintenance. My skin is always dry and my scalp is flaky no matter what products I use. I just make the best of it.

But I like my body. I try to take care of it. Even though I'm overweight I won't give up trying to lose that weight, even if PCOS makes it harder for me.

I found confidence by looking in the mirror and making myself say one positive thing about myself ten times each day. Even now I look in the mirror and remind myself how pretty my eyes are. I joined twitter and blogging and saw that there were women whose bodies were similar to mine that many (not everyone) though was beautiful.

That's the beauty of this world. There are so many types of bodies with all sorts of features; everyone has an admirer. If you don't believe me, go browse porn or tumblr. The variety is greater than I ever imagined.

But here's the biggest difference between us: how you treat yourself and see yourself tells others how to treat you. It is not your fault that you lover and partner is a complete asshole when it comes to showing affection towards you. It is, however, your fault for letting it continue as long as it has.

Relationships have ups and downs and attraction and frequency of sex may change through the years, but there is never an excuse for a partner to not comfort you, not look after your emotional well being, and to make sure you are pursued and loved.

That is betrayal. You think that another could never find you attractive. You're doomed to a life alone and unwanted. Who doomed you to such a fate? There is no wicked witch in this lifetime. Only you could choose that future -- so why are you so resigned to take it? There is another option.

You can find a new future. It can be whatever you want. I broke off a 6 year marriage and 9 year relationship with my former lover. He was my first kiss, my first everything. He broke my heart. I was right there in your shoes, willing to live and die because I promised I would always stay. But what about his promise? Didn't he promise to love and cherish also? Isn't that promise just as broken when my heart is in pieces? Did I promise to stay with in unhappy, unfulfilled life no matter what? No.

You don't have to stay in this. You have a say in whatever happens to you. You can be resigned to your life of not being appreciated for who you are, but I promise you there is someone out there who would love you and appreciate you more for who you are. They would love every part of your body, flabby, fat, hairy, or not.

I certainly found one. And he loves every single hairy, flabby, stretched mark part of me. He loves those parts of me so much I've cried during sex from the powerful emotions.

And to think I almost never knew because I was almost too scared to think I deserved better.

You deserve better, too. You deserve more credit from yourself but just as importantly, you deserve better from your lover. I hope you find that confidence and that partner, whether its from your current husband or someone new.

All my support and cheerleading,
The other you

TMI Tuesday: Ifs, Ands, and Butts

1. If you had a magic beauty wand, what would you give yourself? a. Shinier hair, hands down. b. Glowing, soft skin–pass the moisturizer dude. c. Brighter eyes, with no crows feet—I want to look less tired. d. Nada. I love what I’ve got.

My answer to this is actually D. Of the choices above, I'm happy with all of those. I have shiny, healthy hair. My skin is pretty healthy and very soft. My eyes are still pretty young, and whatever lines or wrinkles I see are ones I wouldn't trade for anything. They're the XP of my life showing.

2. If you were spring cleaning your life what five things would you throw out?
First, my fear of taking risks.
Second, my regret over some recent friend drama. I regret it happened, but not the outcome. It was for the best.
Third, the nasty old carpet all over my house I really wish I could replace.
Fourth, my 30-mile one-way commute to work. I'm so tired of it.
Fifth, my need to please everyone but myself first.

3. If money were no object, what kind of house would you buy?
I'd buy a 3 bedroom with a large office that has a basement. Two car garage. Nice fenced yard with a deck or patio. Some wood burning fireplaces. Really, all of that sounds indulgent to a point. I've never lived in a super large house, but as a maid I've cleaned them and seen how "stuff" just takes over to fill space. No thank you!

4. Have you ever visited an erotic massage parlor AND had a happy ending?
I have not.... yet. It's on the bucket list and I'm super interested in making this happen.

Bonus: Using the handy chart, what is your butt type, spanked or not?

Well, FHF and I can't decide on which one, for either, so here's a pic of both. You can be the judge.

Spankification: Author of original types of butts poster unknown.
Types of Spanked Butts by Dioneo Daspanca, 2011

Well, FHF and I can't decide on which one, for either, so here's a pic of both. You can be the judge.

About 10 min after the spanking

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

TMI Tuesday: Memorable Moments

What are your five (5) most memorable/amazing sexual moments?

I'm counting these down to the best sexual moment.

5. The first time I had an orgasm from oral sex. Um, yeah. I knew I was missing something, but when it happened for the first time, I was hooked (especially since he could make it happen again and again).

4. The first time I had more than 1 orgasm from masturbation. I had always been a one orgasm girl during masturbation. During the build-up, when pleasure was so high and it felt so amazing, I would tell myself I was going for at least two. I never did. Once the orgasm hit I was so satisfied and the drop from the peak of orgasm to resting was so big that I couldn't muster the desire to do it all over again. That is, until I started having phone sex with my fiance. During one of our first times he told me I was going to have more than one; he would walk me through it. We talked to each other, me describing what I was doing and how it felt. When I came, he listened to me orgasm. What felt like a few seconds of time post-orgasm he told me to do it again, fast. I trusted him and my fingers went after my clit -- BOOM. Second orgasm. Then third. And then he came, listening to me.

3. The first time we had sex. The whole night was amazing. He was so afraid that he was going to hurt me since I'd only had a little bit of boring sex with one person prior to him. He didn't hurt me. The first several months of our relationship he went very slow and very gentle on me. All I remember is how amazing it felt and how loving he was as he coached me through it.
 
2.  Pegging my fiance and seeing the exquisite pleasure on his face when he came as I fucked against his prostate. He never comes as hard as he does when I hit that just right. 

1. Having a partner acknowledge, affirm, and accept my bisexuality and encourage my full exploration of it.


Bonus:  What is one quality you appreciate in a lover?
A good ear. You can tell all you need to know about how I'm enjoying something or where I'm at in my cycle of arousal just from listening. It doesn't happen immediately and it takes time, but once you know it, you can really make me come.

————
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

The block revealed

Last year I started this blog for one reason: to document and share my sex life. I was on a journey of discovery. I'd gone from bland and boring to a whole rainbow of kink and that I had really wanted but never had experienced. I was so very happy and the words I wrote were practically bursting out of me. Writing took over my free time; all I wanted to do was write and share and discuss. I loved it so much.

And then life sped up and we fell into a rhythm. When I started the blog, we were four months from our first year anniversary. I'd already been on twitter for four months tweeting our sex life. Everything was new and exciting and I couldn't wait to write about it. We were so excited to reach that 1 year mark right about the same time I purchased my first home and we moved from an 800 sq ft apartment to a 2200 sq ft home.

Life sped up. There was so much to do and take care of. My job took over some of my free time; what I had left I spent mostly with my partner savoring the fantastic journey we were on.

Except life wasn't speeding up that much. My work was. Prior to Friday I've never heard of the term "speed up" before but when I read this article posted by Mother Jones, I finally connected and confirmed what I've been feeling.

I've made no secret of the challenge I've found at my work recently (even not so recently). In the past 14 months I've been promoted and told to assume the work of my old position and new position. I did this pretty well considering the task that was asked of me. But in doing so, I lost more than I feel I gained. Yes, the salary increase helped me finally afford the cost of owning a home - barely. But, what did I give in return? I gave up all of my Sundays from November through February with the exception of holiday weekends to working at least part of the day. I got so used to working 12 hours in the office its no longer unusual. My insomnia took over and working a full day on 3 hours sleep was normal and not a rare occasion.

I accomplished so much professionally that my personal life began to feel like a failure. He felt neglected (and he was). Our sex life went from 6 days a week to maybe 3 because I was so tired or too stressed to think about it. (For some that may not seem like a lot - but for us its been a big change.)

I worried about money. Free time. All the improvements needed to the house (it was in need of some serious TLC and still is in some areas). Bills. Blogging. Twitter. Sex toy reviews. Photos. When did I shave my legs last? I couldn't remember. Oh look, I forgot my sister's birthday. Over and over.

When I looked at my blog, I didn't know what to write. We've been so busy that our stories of "new" sex has fallen off a cliff and our sex life has normalized. It's not boring at all - not by a LONG shot... but for someone who wrote constantly about new sex experiences all the time, I felt like I had nothing to share. Most of the sex we have is him on top or mutual masturbation. It's awesome and hot and better than it was a year ago, but  it seems harder to write for some reason.

I'm also self-defeating. When I get buried in one area, I feel buried everywhere else. At work I've been in survival mode for months and that feeling has carried over into real life. I'm irritable at home on the weekends because I'm stressing about what needs to be done at work or at home. I'm paralyzed by stress.

I compare myself to fellow bloggers... and I've forgotten what its like to even have time to write anymore.

And I worry about having the ability to even have a normal life. I've gone so far down this road of bending over and taking it from my employer, I have a very difficult road to climb up. They did hire a new employee in my department. He's above me in title and pay and I've been told not to expect anything to come off my plate. Great. I'll just work away then, wondering how I got fucked over so bad.

I've tried to talk to my boss, but I'm so stressed and so emotional over this that anytime I even consider talking about it I start tearing up. And approaching him in a blubbering mess of tears to a male boss who never asks about my workload aside from agreeing "yeah, we're all busy" seems counterproductive. Or is it? I'm so confused. I've never been someone to ask for less work. I'm known for my can-do attitude and approach.

But where's the line between can-do and should-do? I'm feeling I shouldn't do this... its ruining my life. But I'm so far down the rabbit hole I have no idea where to turn now.

So yes I'm a bit writer's blocked. I have about 15 posts in drafts in various stages of writing. I can't get them to completion or editing. Some don't even have complete sentences just ideas of "I need to write about this."

I just hope I can figure out a way to renegotiate my workload or find something better that allows me to retain that work/life balance I've completely lost.

Sex Words A-Z

Some words are inherently sexy, or just make me think of sex. Here's my list:

Adam's Apple. My first thought was "ass" but it seemed obvious. An Adam's Apple is such a masculine part of the body. I love watching them move and listening to the deep timbre of someone's voice.

Booty. I love this word because its sex-positive. Words like "butt" and "ass" can have both negative and positive connotations.... but booty? It's full of positive thinking. Booty is always a compliment.

Cunt.  How could I not use this word? I love it. Its powerful and offensive. But why? How is it any different than vagina or pussy other then it's one of society's most feared words - beyond even the f word. Cunt. CUNT. LICK IT.

Daddy. Sometimes, I like to call him Daddy. It makes him want to bend me over and fuck me.

Eros. Erotic love and passion. If you don't have it, you know its missing. I missed it for years, and when I found it.... I've never let go.

French lace. What is it about things being French that make them sexier than their otherwise-sourced comparatives? I would love to own a French lace bra and panty set.

Generosity. Give me a partner who wants to give me orgasm after orgasm, past the point which I think I can handle, and show me new limits of mulitple O's, and I will try to be just as generous.

Hole. Find one. Use it.

Intimacy. The ability to say exactly what you're thinking to your partner. So valuable, and

Jerk off. I love to watch a man play with his own penis. Sometimes its like watching a child play with his favorite toy. Only the play ends in an orgasm and he's so addicted he can't stop.

Kink. It's only weird the first time.

Love. For me, it makes sex a possibility. For him, it makes it so much better than without. The more love, the better the sex.

Mound. I love the pussy mound, how it raises up with your pubic bone. I love how it feels when you massage it with your hand.

Nipple. When he sucks mine, I feel like the most loved woman in the world. It's so intimate.

Orgasm. It's not the end-all, be-all of sex. It's great, but if you're having sex for the orgasm you might be doing it wrong.

Penis. Because God has a sense of humor. From an observational standpoint, they are equal parts hilarious, gorgeous, and pure sex.

Queening stool. One of the most brilliant pieces of furniture ever invented. I need one!

Record. I never though recording ourselves and then watching it would be so fucking HOT.

Silicone. I know more about this material than I ever thought I would, thanks for my interest in body-safe sex toys.

Testosterone. As a PCOS woman, I have way too much. Thankful I have a partner who understands the consequences of that.

Uvula. The way your mouth moves when you say this word reminds me of sex... kind of how your lips form during a blow job. Uuuuvuuuulaaaaa.

Virginity. Highly, highly over-rated.

Wrap. I love to wrap myself around him. Arms and legs, entwining myself.

X-ray. Several times for overseas trips I've had to get a chest x-ray... and you can totally see my boobs on the x-ray. The nice rounded bottom swoops of my boobs... displayed to any doctor or tech who reviews it. I felt so exposed.

Yoni. I really want a yoni massage. Lately, when I look at porn, it's what I look for.

Zero. The number of times you should fake orgasms. Just be honest.

Note: this post is an entry into Beck's Asian Leather Ball Gag Giveaway. Go and check out the other entries and take an opportunity to enter yourself.

Dating profile and the dream

The other night, two things happened while the FHF was at class.

First, I started a dating profile on OKC looking specifically for local girls to date in a possible secondary relationship.

Woah.

It took me ages to set it up. I've never ventured into online dating. I've actually never tried to find a date, things just.... happen. So I looked, browsed, answered questions, looked at some potential matches and got excited.  Excited, but too nervous to take the first step. Plus, I didn't want to send of messages with an unfinished, brand new profile. So I forced myself to work on my profile.

Several hours later, it was up. When FHF came home, I told him the news and he was happy for me and wished me luck in finding someone. I'm so excited to have his support in this!

But I'm so incredibly nervous. I feel like an idiot who is running off into uncharted territory searching for who knows what...  I don't know how to do this!? If a message does come in (or if I get up the nerve to ask someone out) - I will be so nervous. I am choosing NOT to think about that right now.

And then that night: what I remember as my first ever girl-girl dream. I've often thought that the reason I've never had a lesbian dream before is because I've never had that girl-girl experience, so I have only my imagination to go off of - but my imagination feels so limited compared that its hard to imagine it.

The dream:
I am going to a back specialist because my large boobs and the bras accompanying them have made me have back problems. I go up to the office in a large office building and the waiting room is large. In fact, it looks like a physical therapy office with a welcome desk in the center and then people all around moving in different ways. There's an odd corner of people napping in sleeping bags and I shrug it off as some weird therapy tool. I hope I get to nap too, they look so comfy.

I'm asked to wait and I wonder with all of the people in the room how long my wait will be and what exactly she'll want me to do for my back. I assume some massage and then stretching that I won't enjoy.

A woman with dark raven hair approaches me. She is wearing black heals with pointed toes, bare legs, a wool skirt to the knee, dark blouse, and a white doctor's coat that ends mid-thigh. She looks like a TV doctor: professional, beautiful, fit. Too perfect. She looks at her clipboard as she calls my name, eyeing me for conformation. I stand, and she invites me toward the back where I see there are small offices hidden along a back wall. They almost look like cubicles with doors rather than offices.

We step inside and I notice the room is bare save the carpet and a wood cupboard. So, there will be stretching and stuff I won't enjoy. And I don't see a sleeping bag, damn. 

"So, you have a girlfriend?" she asks.

I'm confused. How does she know I like women? "No," I answer, "but I have a fiance." I decide not to point out my fiance is a man and not a woman. I'd rather keep her thinking I like women.

She invites me to take off my shirt so she can examine where my bra is hitting me compared with my area of complaint and figure out how to help. I pull of my sweater, conscious of my boobs spilling out of my bra as she is turned away fumbling in the cupboard with something.

I turn away to fold my shirt and set my purse down. When I turn back around, there she is. The doctor's coat is gone, as is her skirt, and she's wearing a strap-on with harness. The dildo is pretty big. My eyes stare at it. 

"I'm sure you know what this is." I nod. She lays down on the floor. "Suck." she orders me.

I kneel down between her legs. She is wearing no underwear and the harness is framing her pussy just right. It's completely bare, freshly waxed. She has small pink pussy lips and I can see her clit peaking out at the apex. It looks slick with wetness.

"Suck," she orders again, interrupting my reverie. Her voices is strong and I don't question her authority. I wrap my lips around her dildo and start to suck slowly.

"I don't believe you. Suck like it was real. I want to imagine you wanting this dick." I lick the head and start bobbing slightly down the shaft. I'm so confused and I'm not sure what this has to do with physical therapy, but the sound of her voices makes me want to listen to her. My eyes flick up to her face and she's watching me, intensely.

I am craving her approval and wondering how far this will go. Will I be rewarded for my effort? I start taking longer strokes and trying to deep throat this dildo. It's longer than my fiance's -- there's no way I can do this. She sees my effort and encourages me with an approving "good girl."

Spit runs down the shaft as my lips pursue the end of it, reaching toward her pussy mound. I can smell her scent and its musk is delicious. I start to think about tasting it. My saliva starts dripping down the shaft and drops are spilling onto her. Once again I take a look at her and she is smiling, pleased with me. Her hands reach toward my head and she runs her slender fingers through my hair.

I look down at her cunt and see her lips are slick with wet. I want to taste her so much! I reach my hands up to grab her hips, but before I can touch her, she grabs my hands and slams them onto the floor beside her.  "No touching me today," she says. "Just suck for now."

For now. Today. So, what will happen in my future visits? 

Emotional torture

The emotional torture that comes with PCOS is something they don't warn you about.  Everyone talks about the physical symptoms: horrible weight gain, uncontrollable periods, extra body hair and/or loss of hair where it should be are just a few of the delights that a woman with PCOS has to deal with.

What they don't prepare you for is the absolute emotional wreck you can be.

It's really hard to listen to women talk about how bad their PMS is or how its "that time of the month" and how annoying it is when it comes every 30 days or so. A woman with PCOS just wants to tell you how lucky those women are! They have predictability! They have body parts that work right! A woman with PCOS waits and wonders if it will come, not when. And then she wonders if she will be able to manage the horrific heavy flow that dumps more blood in a hour than many women do on a full period. 

A woman with PCOS buys pregnancy tests in bulk because, if she's sexually active, she doesn't know if she's magically (miraculously) pregnant or if her body's just fucking with her. Again. 

She tries not to hate women who are want to get pregnant and do so within a couple of months. For her, it may never happen. She has no idea if she'll ever be successful. How do you get the body to work when it doesn't have enough hormones to make your body ready for a baby every month? 

And if, like me, when she's on birth control and her period is predictable thanks to hormones, she happens to be a day or two late, she starts to hope even though she knows she shouldn't. But how can she help it? How can she not think about if the unthinkable has happened? What if some magical set of circumstances happened and now she will have the full chance to be pregnant like she always wanted? She tries not to think about it. She avoids it. If its on her mind she makes jokes about it, trying to tell herself it won't happen, don't get set on the idea. 

And then she knows its never going to come so she takes the test. And three minutes feels like eternity. It's negative.

She always knew it would be, and yet it feels like a horrific let down anyway. She's not pregnant. And her body still won't function despite the regimen of hormones she religiously gave herself to ensure it would happen.

No, that part of being a woman, no matter how annoying to those who are blessed with a normal system, is not hers. She floats some line of too much testosterone, too little estrogen, and still fully woman. A woman who, even just two hundred years ago, would be considered barren and unwanted. And now, even in today's modern medicine, she can't do anything about it. 

She's stuck, living month to month and always wondering if the period will show up when she leasts expects it or if she'll endure another month with no answers. And, ultimately, will she ever be able to handle the disappointment of not seeing that flood of red that is supposed to be there or, if she's very lucky, have eight months of looking forward to the change a baby would bring her.

She is stuck in limbo. Those who call her lucky don't understand her desperate wish to just have a normal body, normal cycle, normal hormones. Normal challenges. She feels very much alone in a body that isn't supposed to work this way.

Emotional torture. Outside a woman, fully functional. Strong. Beautiful. Inside? Fear of the unknown, unpredictable, mysterious mess. They never warn you about that.

He wants me to date a woman

I'm a bisexual woman. I want the opportunity to play with partners of both sexes. This is a topic my FHF and I have discussed at length. We've agreed that while our relationship is primary, the other is allowed, permitted, and encouraged to find partners of the opposite sex to play with.

Occasionally I browse craigslist just to see what people are looking for. That led to our first threesome last fall where I got to witness him sucking off penis and having his sucked by another guy. I pegged the guest and my FHF ate me out. It was fun, but the focus was certainly not me. I loved doing a lot of the observing.

I haven't even considered contacting any of the women's ads I see on craigslist.

That's now how I want it to happen. I'm not a casual sex person. It just doesn't compute. I can't go from the first hello to first kiss in minutes or even hours. I need to know who you are, what makes you tick. I need to know that you're attracted to me in mind and body. And I need to know your mind well enough to see if I'm attracted to you. I've discussed before that I might be a demisexual. (So, while I may see sexy and attraction, but I don't have sexual attraction until I know your personality).

I've discussed this with the FHF and he understands. Initially our agreement for opposite-sex play was that the non-play partner would be allowed to be present. We were both OK with this deal.... but now that I'm learning about how I attract to people, I've asked him to consider letting me have my space.

I need time. I need to date the person, you could say, and take things out our pace, whatever that may be. One day he may be invited to watch (I really hope she will let him watch, or even let him join in). However, he's agreed that he doesn't have to observe.

In fact, today, he told me that when I'm done travelling on business in a couple of weeks, that I should start looking for a local potential partner. I scoffed at finding someone in my area and just connecting. And then he said: "Well, meet for coffee. Start dating her. But I want you to find someone. I think you need it."

Four years ago I learned about polyamory. I thought it was perfect for me as a bisexual woman who has a desire to have caring sexual encounters with both sexes. And now, it seems that my FHF and I are possibly heading that way.

Whatever it turns out to be, I'm so happy to have a partner who is so supportive and willing to discuss and renegotiate our relationship as we change together.

TMI Tuesday: Sexual Adventures

Complete each sentence with an anecdote of sexual adventure or misadventure:

1. The first time I . . . ever felt a penis, I had only seen one in a textbook. I was 18 and had snuck away for the weekend from college with my boyfriend at the time. We'd been "dating" almost a year and had never touched genitals of the opposite sex. The first thing I said when I touched it was, "Holy crap! That is much harder than I thought it would be..." and then got very nervous for my vagina. (We didn't have sex anytime soon after that).

2. The last time I . . . went shopping with the FHF, I showed him a sweater I wanted to get that was a see-through crochet and he popped a boner in the middle of the store. I rubbed up against it (I had to check how hard he was --- and it was really hard). It's too bad the sweater was $40, as we didn't get it. If it had been less than $20 we would have. 

3. The only time I . . . have ever had sex while watching TV was this past weekend with Scrubs reruns playing on the laptop in our dark bedroom. The light made a great effect in the room. We need to make this more than a one time thing.

4. My best . . . sexual memory is related to my worst memory. It features the contrast of feelings to my worst experience in the most loving, tender, and powerful sex I've ever experienced. The feelings of being so loved and accepted made me cry during sex and you can read about it here.

5. My worst . . . sexual experience was being told by my ex that I tasted horrible "down there" and he couldn't/wouldn't do it. It destroyed my confidence for years.

BONUS: Everyone, however much experienced, still has some unfulfilled desires. What is at the top of your yet-to-do list?  This one is so easy. I'd love to kiss a girl. 

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Limits

We all have limits. I haven't thought a lot about my hard limits. I've written a lot about what I will do... but what won't I do?

I read a great blog post about humiliation in the D/s relationship by Sir Stompsalot where he discusses looking at limits for humiliation in the relationship. This is what I love about reading blogs: You learn about others, but you learn a LOT about yourself.

For example, I have a hard limit when it comes to touching a toilet, a dumpster, the wall of a public alley. I am a germaphobe. But even if you scrub the toilet (or, in the case of a D/s scenario, make me scrub the toilet) and it's clean for me to use: I still don't want to touch it. It's a toilet. Having me put my head or hands on the toilet? Squick.

Any part of my flesh touching an alley wall? Squick.

I can't handle it. I will say no. I will freak out and cry and I will never ever be OK with you making me do that.

Other limits?

Clowns. They freak me out. I've had no bad experiences with them and no, I've never seen "It." But, I've had several nightmares that I still vividly remember where clowns were killing my friends and/or trying to kill me. It was horrifying and clowns+sex will never be a mix I can handle. The BF, I will note, is very sad about this as he thinks clowns are sexy....

Needles. Having my blood drawn nearly makes me faint. Having an IV is a constant mental torture. Needles and sex? No... no no...

Choking. This doesn't appeal to me in the least. It doesn't feel sexy, sweet, or loving. It doesn't turn me on. I only feel panic and pain.

Breath play. Do you want me to have a full blown panic attack? It won't take much. And then I won't be able to calm down and then we will have serious problems. Breath play is, perhaps, more terrifying than needles to me.

Anal fisting. I love vaginal fisting... but when I see a pic of a girl fisting her own asshole on tumblr, I'm turned off. It's not sexy at all to me. I also don't like the idea of being stretched soo wide. I like anal play - but the biggest thing I ever plan taking in my ass is my BF's cock.

Anal hooks. AGH I WANT TO FREAK OUT. All I can think of is the ball of the hook pressing my colon up and arching it in a way that it doesn't normally go. And I like my colon too much to do that.

Sex in a public bathroom. This goes back to my toilet remarks above, but do you know what people do in there? People I don't know? I don't know who cleaned it and how... No. I can't be naked. If my clothes touch the floor they don't touch the carpet in my house. 

The period problem

Periods. I remember being excited about getting my first one. It was that awesome right of passage from girl to woman. A new responsibility. My own secret to share with whom I wanted. Then it came, and suddenly it was a nightmare.

I'm sure a lot of women can share my young teenage grief of trying to hide pads (I didn't like tampons) from the boys in my class. The fear of looking at the seat every time you stood up, fearing you'd see blood. Then sometimes you saw blood and it was full on panic to see how bad the leak was. The terror of walking in front of people, afraid the stain would show when your legs moved.

Fear of being teased. Fear of being known. I was fortunate that, aside from leaks and spills, I was pain-free. I have very few cramps, nothing that even required an aspirin to handle it.

I waited for things to become regular. I knew that it would probably be "several years" according to what I read in books or online. So, since I started at 12, then maybe at 15? Nope. Sixteen? Nope. something was wrong so I consulted a gynocologist. All she said was that sometimes it takes girls longer to develop a normal cycle.

Then I went haywire. I had periods that lasted 2 weeks. Then 3 weeks later, another 2 week cycle. Then 8 months with nothing. Just that waiting, every day. One day I got my cycle so heavy, I had to change my "overnight" pad every hour. This went on for 2 days. I had no idea this wasn't "normal." And even a return visit to the OB/GYN the next year didn't ask for details to discover it was abnormal.

At 18 I was tired of not knowing the answers to why my body refused to get with the program, and I discovered there was a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I went to a new doctor and had it confirmed with bloodwork. But that doctor made no recommendation on how to manage this multi-sympton syndrome except for: Here's birth control, it will make you have regular periods.

It worked! I was suddenly on a 28-day predictable cycle with manageable blood flow. Life was pretty good. Over the years my cycle has shrunk from 5 heavy days to 3 or 4 light and medium ones. In the past few years I've started experiencing cramps for the first time in my life (no, they aren't fun...). I found a doctor who encouraged me to lose weight so I could potentially reverse the symptoms and not require the fake hormones. My body could be fixed.

And then something weird happened a few months ago. My 4 days turned into 3. Three days turned into 2. Instead of starting on Thursday between 7a-9a like clockwork, they started 24 hours late. Forty-eight hours late. Three days? Was it coming at all?

Birth control tests were negative. Soon all I was doing was just spotting for a day, it wasn't even real. I didn't even need a pad anymore. It just wasn't there. I went to my doctor and she said, "Huh. That's odd." But nothing medically is wrong. I'm slightly anemic, but not in the area where my period should disappear completely.

And then last weekend, I missed the entire period. Not one drop of blood was to be found. Finally, when it was 4 days late, I took another pregnancy test. Nope. Negative.

The thing about being a woman is, a period is part of who you are. I feel like I'm missing some part of me that should be there. Yes it's been partially broken all this time, but I'm doing things where it should be there. And now I don't know why its missing. I don't know where it went. I'm not alarmed, but I'm aggravated.

Why does it have to be so fucking broken? I've put up with crap and all I want is this one part of being a woman, no matter how ugly or annoying or painful it is, just to be here. Yes they get in the way, they cost money, they cause us to act emotionally, but dammit that's part of being a woman. And somehow my body is denying me that part of me. Where did it go? When will it come back? I don't know.

It's a problem.

Red Region's Sexiest Blogs List

So, I am quite delighted and surprised to have made the blogroll list of "Sexiest Blogs of 2012" as rated by Reg Region Inferno! Unlike some other lists I've seen, Red Region complied this list himself of blogs that he has found. He did not ask for submissions, suggestions, or opinions. I'm quite honored!

The full list can be found here: http://www.redregioninferno.com/theinferno/top-blogs-2012/ and I highly recommend that you check it out along with the blogs on there. Many of these blogs are ones that I read (or try to read) regularly and the others, well, I have some reading to do!

One thing that took me aback is that: I can't recall ever visiting Red's blog prior to being notified I was placed on his list! That's a shame. I went through many of his prior entries and it's another blog I need to add to my reading list. What I really like is that he is an artist, and his work is regularly featured on the blog. You need to take a look at his artwork and I'll be surprised if it doesn't turn you on.

Thank you! And happy reading!

Uhhh, what happened?

Sometimes plans just don't work out. Like, having nearly 14 days off in the last half of December would mean I could fit in a lot of writing and actually get ahead on my blog. I could write up a year in review and think about my 2013 plans and resolutions and post the list as a goal for the New Year.

Well, things didn't quite turn out that way. First, it was a seriously time crunch on my end for Christmas shopping where I was spending many evenings shopping when I thought I would have this all wrapped up (literally). Then work spilled over into my holidays as I ended up having to work and manage social media for my real-life job since the newest employee wasn't set-up or ready to handle it yet. And then, I got a little carried away with cooking and baking and lost huge chunks of time to my kitchen.

And then things just went south. On Christmas Eve, my dishwasher broke. It broke right as I was preparing a full turkey dinner and finishing my baking -- so there was an entire day of just managing dishes & the kitchen. (And on the brighter side, I've no money to replace it, so it looks like we'll be living without for quite a while.)

The day after Christmas, I got sick. Really sick. In fact, a week later, I'm still sick. I was told it's the flu, but since I'm not improving I think another visit to the doctor may be in order. I spent my last 7 days off, including the only 3 my fiance also had off of work, being so sick I couldn't even contemplate getting naked (due to chills) or having sex (complete lack of energy or interest).

I'm mad as hell over this. My plans were going to be:

• Spending a lot of time writing while my fiance was at work.
• Playing housewife while he worked (something I rarely get to do anymore and I do love to indulge my domestic side).
• Paint the entryway of our home
• Relax.

All very doable, had I not succumbed to this coughing, congested mess that has kept me in blankets and napping constantly.

I've no year-end summary, although I'd still like to write one.

I haven't even fully thought-out my resolutions, but I still plan to.

I will get to these, somehow, once I am recovered enough to really sit and think clearly.

I'm supposed to return to work tomorrow, but I have no idea when I'll actually return to work. Tomorrow is the kick-off of huge work project due in February, so I know I'll be doing a hybrid sick day/work from home day to at least stay current and contribute as I can. I'm so glad I have a job that can flex like this; I only wish it wasn't coming at the very start of the year where I should be well rested for the pile of work that will be waiting for my inevitable return to the office.

In short, I've not abandoned my blog. Really. I'm still fairly active in twitter (I try to keep my complaints about being sick to a minimum, really I do). It's just for the very, very near future, I can't write or even scribble together anything worth reading.

Happy freaking new year.

Listen to me: Guest feature on Wholesome Addiction podcast

Have you listened,  yet?

You need to! This special Christmas edition of the Wholesome Addiction podcast features the horny male hosts (as usual) but also: myself, Plumptious Pea, and TisforTMI. We laugh, we flirt, and we all got REALLY horny.... how can you not when discussing and singing the 12 days or pornmas?

Go listen!

TMI Tuesday: Fantasy, Anyone?

1. Do you think that acting out a fantasy can sometimes cause damage to a relationship?
 Only if one partner feels coerced or forced to be a part/not a part of this fantasy. If both partners are willing, I'm not sure how it can be damaging.

2. Some couples role play their fantasies rather than introducing another person into the relationship to live out their fantasies. Do you think that this is an acceptable substitute?
Wait, people role play their fantasies without their regular partner? I'm confused... I thought role playing was about playing with your partner, not finding someone else. I've always wanted my partner to be a part of my fantasy in some way; at the very least, emotionally supportive. In my world, having your partner part of the fantasy is the point!

3. Is there a particular movie or TV series or character from a movie or TV series that you fantasise about?
No, I don't. The closest I've come is fantasizing about Clay Matthews. Can you blame me?

4. Apart from the obvious things like child abuse, are there some things that are ‘off limits’ for a fantasy e.g. incest fantasies, age play, rape fantasies. Why/ why not?
I think a fantasy is just that, a fantasy. I'm don't think fantasizing about anything is off limits. Would I act out everything? No, certainly not. But the BF and I have fantasized brother-sister scenes, Daddy-daughter, and rape. We've enjoyed all of it!

5. What is the most taboo thing you have ever fantasised about doing?
I'm going to plead the fifth. And for this blog, you know that's extreme....

6. Tell us about a fantasy that you have that you don’t ever see yourself actually acting out. Why do you think you will never act it out?
Well, there's the jungle gang-bang fantasy that is my oft-used masturbation fantasy.  I've been told it's pretty hot - and I'd recommend you go read it if you haven't yet. In reality, I don't want to stumble across a bunch of people and be forced to take cock after cock and be bukkaked regardless of what I say. There is no safety word or safe sex in my fantasy - and that's why it will remain a fantasy.

7. Have you ever pretended the person you were having sex with was someone else without telling them?
Yes. I felt terrible about it. But it's only happened with my ex.

8. Have you ever tried to make a fantasy a reality only to have it fail miserably? What happened?
No, not yet. But we haven't done a lot of role playing, either.

Bonus: Tell us about your most cherished fantasy. Did you ever live it out? Please give us all the juicy details because that is the kind of people we are.
I don't know if I have a most cherished fantasy. The past year and a half has been an incredible sexual experience. So many things I've wanted to do sexually (with a man) I have now done. I would say 90% of my fantasies include women now.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!