Thursday, April 19, 2012

Am I a demisexual?

So I was browsing the forums on Eden Fantasys and came across a poll on how you would label yourself if you had to. The options were ones that I was mostly familiar with (I never claimed to be an expert!). Aside from hetero/gay/lesbian/bi there were options of pan/omni/asexual/other and then ones I wasn't sure belonged such as trans/intersexed and one I'm not sure where it goes - bi-curious. (You can see the current results and forum discussion here.)

Anyway, midway through the comments I saw a post about someone who identified themselves as a demisexual. I've never heard of this term, and neither had a lot of the discussion board members.  Finally, someone submitted the authoritative definition from Urban Dictionary:

Demisexuals are characterized by a lack of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons. The level of connection it takes for sexual desire to form is dependent on how close the relationship is rather than initial attraction. It is an orientation that is not chosen. 

Hmm. Now that rings some bells for me. I've said for years that personality beats physical attraction hands down for me, but I'm not so sure that's specifically what this definition means. Its really about how you're not attracted until there is some connection between you and the other person. 

I really identify with this. I have a very hard time being sexually attracted through imagery alone. It just doesn't work for me. I also can't be attracted to you if I think you're an asshole. I'm only ever attracted to someone with whom I've interacted and I like personality wise.  I can't get past that, I won't even look at you 'that way' until you've won me over emotionally. I have to be your friend first.

But then I think back on history... I've had crushes on guys without knowing them, or have locked eyes and felt that drop in your stomach when you've looked too long or too directly. That thrill of a look lingering, or a joke being exchanged when others don't notice. Another reason my ex and I didn't work out is that I just wasn't attracted to him - at all, in any way. 

But then I've found girls to be appealing too, and I've never had a sexual-type relationship bond with a woman, but I sure do find them attractive. But then, am I finding them attractive or just their body parts?  And what about men?

When I look at a clothed man, I look at his hands, body type, face. A naked man, I look at penis, shoulders, and body type. I'll also look at his ass if its in view. When I look at a clothed woman, I look at her face, hair, body type, and breasts. A naked woman I look at her pussy, breasts, nipples, legs, then face.  

Basically, I objectify you if you're naked, but if you're clothed I look at all of you. But isn't that the way most of us use porn or porn-type images? I look at the picture for sexual excitement, not to see who you are. 

So back to real life. Let's talk about my boyfriend. Way, way back before we were flirting I looked him up online (I can online stalk pretty well... so watch yourselves!) and, while I don't remember what picture he had up on facebook, I remember not thinking anything about it. It could be because most of his face was probably hidden so I couldn't see much. Fast forward after we've been flirting for a few months - yeah, I found him attractive. Really attractive.

Fast forward to us getting to the point talking about our sexual orientations, what we liked in bed, and daaaaamn my pussy was on fire for him. When we started having phone sex I was cumming so hard and good - better than I've ever cum with my fingers before. And when we started skype sexing? Wow oh wow. My first multiple orgasms. And then sex? Read about our first night of sex here and here (you know if its a 2-parter its got a LOT of detail...).

So has physical attraction upped the pleasure factor for me? Without a doubt, it has. Can I feel attraction for someone without that personal attraction? I don't think so - not attraction that would lead to any real world experiences. I can't fantasize about someone who I don't know personally - its impossible. I can't picture anything sexual with someone unless I have some mental affection for them.

BF's ass after a few min after spanking. I find it so sexy.

So am I demisexual? Maybe. Does it really matter? No, not really. But its interesting to think about. Where are you at?


  1. Wow, I really identified with this! Lol, and now I am off to consult Dr. Google! :) Lovely pics!!

    1. Thank you! If you like my pics I'm sure you'd enjoy my tumblr pages... that's where I collect most of them.

  2. I have always wondered what a demisexual is. Thanks for taking the time to look it up. My wife thinks I am metrosexual. I know I am straight person who enjoys being polyamorous and my wife is bisexual who is attracted to ladies on the side.

    1. I think its an interesting term. Apparently its seen as midway between "sexual" and "asexual" but I'm not sure I agree with that.

      Sounds like you and your wife have similar interests, then?

  3. This is a great post. Sorry I haven't been commenting much lately--so busy! I'm going to ruminate on this in light of one of the questions you asked me...

  4. Interesting points about how you view a person who is clothed versus how you view a naked person. I think most people tend to do that; you make do with what visual cues are available to you.

    I can't imagine being a demisexual. It's pretty far from what I am. And that's coming from a guy who is attracted to internal qualities and factors much more than external ones. If anything, I am the opposite of a demisexual: It takes me very little to find myself feeling sexual attraction to a woman.

    I do agree that personality beats looks any day of the week. However, I don't require anything beyond a superficial connection. If there is something deeper, great. But it's not required.