Monday, April 9, 2012

When there's a difference in sexual pasts

Today I read a new blog entry by Liza called "Did We Miss Anything?" In it, she talks about what she and her husband have not done in their sexual lives (one night stands, friends with benefits, etc.) She asks Did we miss anything by being "good?"  

Interesting question. Its one I've certainly had to consider. During my married days, I certainly regretted a lot of my sexual life. Why did I not have sex before marriage (a whole entry right there one day)? Will I always be trapped in this unfulfilling experience? Will I never get to experience all the sexual stuff that I want? Did I miss my chance in having "fun"?

Then I got divorced and suddenly everything was on my terms again. I really thought my first sexual experience post-divorce was going to be my first girl-girl action, but it wasn't. Instead the BF and I got hot 'n heavy and I was in a relationship. This time, before things were official, I made sure he understood that I wanted some girl-girl action... it was a deal-breaker if he wasn't OK with that. He was fine, but he wanted some guy-guy time. OK, deal. And those moments happen with the other's consent and the other is always allowed to be present/witness. I can live with that - it is still OUR relationship, not me+random girl or him+random guy.

There's something to consider, however, when entering a new relationship. Its the talk of the exes... having never been in a relationship where there was a prior ex (my ex had never dated anyone before me), I wasn't really sure what I needed to know vs wanted to know. It was a minefield of emotions, too.

I lost my virginity at 20. The BF lost his at 14. I've slept with 1 person other than him, he's slept with 1 guy and 6 girls, at least. Its not a huge number, but for me it seemed huge compared to my one, which felt like it barely counted. For the first time in my life I felt like I could be compared to someone and I had no idea how I would "rank" so to speak.

Why is ranking so important? Well, I'm a competitive person. I want to be the best, the first, always. It affects my school and my job and well, my personal life. In a relationship I should be the most important - but what if I'm not the best "lay" he's had? What if my inexperience makes me bad in bed? What if I don't have the nicest pussy? What if he's more turned on by others visually than by me? Would it kill me not to know? Should I even ask? Is this line of thinking completely bonkers and sabotaging or is it something I should legitimately care about since it means something to me?

And what about love? He says he loves me, but what if he doesn't love me as much or more than he's loved another? What if he's had fantastic love in the past and I'm a consolation prize because that one hurt him too much? What if I love him more than he does me?  What if he always looks back and remembers how he loved one of the others more than me?

Ultimately, I decided that I would not jump into 20 questions, and I would let things go and do some self checks before my mind continued to get carried away.

I don't know if the competitor in me drove me to be better in bed, but I certainly wanted to be the best. Being the first to ever make him cum from oral put a nice check in my column, for me. As time passed I got more checks: the best hand job, the best orgasm, the longest orgasm, the best head... and finally, one day, the best sex ever. In a weird way, it was me saying I WIN to every chick who's had the privilege of him in bed before me.
Yes, winning like this.
But really, does any of it matter? One of his first "love messages" on facebook contained the lines, "i love you. you tell me you love me now. and i love it. i cherish every letter of it each and every time you say it. its the 3 words from you i want to hear forever. and as long as you say it nothing else matters...  not the women i've been with, not how many guys you been with.." I reminded myself of those words many times in the first few months of our relationship. I know that he's had "a LOT of sex" with pretty much all of his exes (his emphasis, not mine)... a lot in the sense that what we have is barely comparable.

That's a lot of sex which I've never had/experienced in life. Do I regret it? No, I don't. I am who I am because of my prior sexual life (or non-life). I get to experience the greatest sexual awakening of my life with the most wonderful, caring man. For him, he gets to help me on the journey, watch me grow and develop. Help me explore myself, my boundaries, our experiences. Sex has never been better for either of us... and it all comes back to our mutual love and respect for each other.
We are, after all, nerds in love

He's had a wide breadth of experience. If anything, its a bonus that he comes to me experienced and knows how to generally please women. For us, its been pretty fantastic from the start. We've learned each other's bodies and likes pretty well. What I've learned is that it doesn't matter what or who he's done in the past because its the past. Just as my own frustrating hurtful experience contributed to me today, his past has helped shape him for who he is. And its in the past. He doesn't judge me for staying in my marriage for so long just as I don't judge him for sleeping with more women before me.

Our relationship is about us, not the past. Once we were talking about sharing "too much" info about the past  and I remember he bursted out with, "Look, you think I like to know about your ex? If it were up to me he wouldn't exist at all, there'd be only me." We both feel the same way - ideally there wouldn't be a past, there'd be just us and only us and our lives together. I'm not going to allow the reality that there were others ruin anything I have in the present for it.

And one day, I'll be the first and only girl he's asked to marry him.


  1. Liza's post was excellent. Having experienced - and enjoyed - many of the things she missed, I can't honestly say that my life is any richer because of them, though had I missed out, I am fairly certain that I would today be asking the same questions. While there are those who would say it's not about the destination but about the journey that brings you there, I feel like as long as you're happy in the present, why dwell on the past?

    Your point about it being YOUR relationship is excellent. We consider ourselves monogamish, though our experiences with non-monogamy are decidedly limited. Ultimately, though, we aren't sure that we ever want to open up our relationship completely. It's something we've talked about, but our primary motivation for including others is, always has been, and presumably always will be in the future the furtherance of our own relationship, not necessarily doing things separately.

    In past relationships, I've encountered problems with there being a dissimilarity between our pasts. Some people could handle my having a past, others could not. There were times when I was less secure and couldn't handle the other person having a past. I don't think most people outwardly enjoy hearing that their significant other has a past. One of my exes, after hearing that I'd been with maybe five or six people before her tried to re-write history so that I was a virgin when we met. Talk about sticking one's head in the sand! It's frequently a fact of life, though.

    I understand your competitive nature. For most people, there will always be a worry that you don't measure up against past lovers. What you have to keep in mind is that you're together now, and that's what really matters. We value honesty and communication over all else, and we are confident in our relationship. I know that Jill's had guys with bigger cocks than mine. I know that she's had guys in better shape than I am. If it was the sort of thing that would fill me with self-doubt, I certainly wouldn't ask. Constantly questioning your worth, especially in comparison to his previous women, could indeed sabotage your relationship.

    Your mention of being driven to be a better lover is certainly the best result I could have hoped to read. Since it was obviously a big deal for you, rather than wallowing in self-doubt, you ensured that you were the best he's ever had. Excellent strategy. There's no reason to delve into something that may hurt you both. The past is in the past. Leave it there. Focus on the present, and of course the future as well. You'll both be happy that way.

    Oh, and Lego Stormtroopers in love? Sweetest thing I've seen in awhile.


    1. I completely love your feedback... thank you. Thank you for validating some of my thinking... rewriting the past isn't possible (really, a virgin again??? yikes!) and you're right - self-doubt will sabotage. That's something I won't do.

  2. I had never had sex the first time Mia and I slept together and although I didn't feel I needed to compete with her, I started off our relationship feeling jealous that some other guy had been with her and it wasn't me. Doesn't bother me at all now, but felt years ago that I had to compete with what he had given her prior to us getting together.