Friday, April 6, 2012

Formspring Friday: Problems orgasming during sex

Q. Hello... I have trouble having an orgasm through having sex, and oral. I use vibrators a lot in my spare time and wondered if there was a way I could get my orgasms back through having sex... any suggestions?
First things first - if you don't cum through penetrative sex, you are 100% normal and this is WAY more common than being able to cum from penis-in-vagina sex. Most women will never cum from vaginal penetration alone. (Are you listening - male partners of the world?) So if its not happening, don't be surprised and don't feel bad! Be honest if you can't cum this way - your partner needs to know how to make you cum. You know your body best, so be straightforward. There's nothing wrong with a little tutorial in giving a good handjob or how to use a vibrator on you. There's no reason why you can't have an orgasm with a partner, but its up to you to communicate what works for you.

This position + toy on your clit would be good to try
From the last part of your question it sounds like you used to cum through vaginal penetration, but are unable to do so now. You do cum through vibration - I'm assuming on your clit or a combo of vaginal/clit stimulation. So you know how to make yourself cum - now its getting you to cum with a partner, preferably while having penetrative sex with your partner. Perhaps you need to add some clitoral stimulation to sex. This can be done with fingers or sex toys.

Clit + dick = awesome
Positions: If you're in missionary, he can reach down and place a hand to help grind against you. You can use a cock ring with a vibrating bullet to stimulate you while he thrusts or grinds. You can also use a larger toy like a bullet vibe, finger vibe, or handheld vibe to hit the right spot. You can reach your own hand down to masturbate yourself while he's fucking you. Your partner can also shift their position on you so he/she is higher up on your pelvis and could possibly grind against your clit (this works wonders on me, personally).

One of the best positions is cowgirl, where you sit on top and ride him. You control the angle and the amount of penetration. This is the best position to get your clit involved - or have a toy positioned to ride against it. You can also try doggy style with a cock ring flipped around and aimed at your clit. Your partner can reach around you to manually rub your clit while you're being fucked.

Great way to please you both!

Now let's talk about oral sex. Not everyone can cum from oral sex. (If this surprises you, that's OK!) Oral sex is highly sensual and arousing - but it may not offer enough stimulation to cum from it. Maybe your partner just needs some tips - and that's ok. Here are a couple of links that give some great advice. First, my personal favorite (and the best advice I've ever seen on the subject) and then some tips from the blogging world from real-life people, and another, more basic approach.

Eye contact - wonderful.
Some women require stronger, more direct stimulation on their clit in order to cum. My advice then: try adding some fingers to the mix to stimulate your clit or vagina or both. Use a vibrator or dildo in your vagina while your partner goes down on you. Its your body and you'll know what's getting you there or not. If you still can't orgasm - they enjoy it still! It will still be wonderful and incredible and highly erotic. When you want to orgasm, have your partner switch to a toy or technique that will get you there.

So what if none of this works - then incorporate your current toys that do work and show your partner how to use them. Explore, try things out, talk, work together on it. After all, practice makes perfect.

Want to ask me a question? Just head to and ask anything you want. Really. Anything. Try me. I'll answer the following Friday.


  1. Excellent advice. Thanks for specifically mentioning communication in your answer, as in my experience if someone doesn't speak up, a problem - sexual or otherwise - rarely gets fixed. While talking about it may be difficult, it's vital.

    Oh, and your choice of pictures was hot!


  2. You give great advice! I agree with everything you said and hope it helps your asker. The photos to accompany your words of wisdom were awesome!