Monday, September 10, 2012

Doomed to fail

It is wise to recognize that we cannot control the choices of others and that some need to learn for themselves.

It's just not easy to stand by and watch both happen. It's 5am and I've been awake nearly an hour trying to settle my thoughts and emotions. One of my closest friends is in a relationship that has been a whirlwind of emotional turbulence. There's lots of passion, both in and out of the bedroom. They both have tempers and the stubborn will to go with them.

I realize that, for some people, this type of relationship may work - fight, make up, fight, make up more... but then I hear what happens when they're angry with each other. She says the meanest things that she can think of. He walks out and won't return for hours. He denies there's a problem. She lets it go because she can't stand him not talking to her about anything.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Then a big fight happens. The kind where you are still arguing 4 hours later and you don't even know what you're arguing about because you've got 4 separate arguments snowballed into one. She called to talk because, twelve hours later, they weren't speaking primarily because he wouldn't talk (his typical pattern). She trusts my relationship advice and wanted my input.

I've been in a crappy relationship where I kept hitting my head against the wall and saying, "Why doesn't it work? I must fix something as I must be the problem." The truth is, I was a part of the problem in not realizing that I deserved better. She is doing the same thing. I can see it so clearly: rationalizing and excusing away behavior because you can't face the brutal truth. The relationship is made of fail.

I offered her two things when we talked the night of the big argument. One, I would kick him to the curb. She may not be a saint in the relationship herself, but someone has to end it and if he's going to not talk, then she may as well have the final word.  Second, the whole pattern sounded like emotional abuse to me.

I'm not an expert in abuse by any means. However, all I heard from her is how he would repeated ignore and deny problems until she initiated conversation where she started admitting fault and was basically desperate to not let things fall apart. She begs him not to ignore her because when he does, she can't eat or sleep. She just waits, unable to move on in life without him. And waits. And waits. Sometimes she waits overnight and well into the next day.

Finally, at some point, he apologizes and agrees to work on things and get better and stop being such a douche, even though she's well aware by now that the pattern is doomed to repeat itself later.

She's not isolated from friends or family, except she's not allowed to have any male friends. No talking. No emailing. The guys relationship status is unimportant, if there's a penis on the person she's not allowed to call him friend. She's cut all of her guy friends out of her life for him. I asked her if she would be friends with them if they ever broke up or weren't in a relationship and without hesitation she answered yes.

When I said, "This sounds like emotional abuse" ... she answered, "You know, that's occurred to me."

Well, if it's occurred to you, then maybe it's the truth. She came so close that night to ending things with him. Three days later they had made up completely. And now, two weeks later I found out they went and purchased a ring for the impending engagement.

It makes me sick to my stomach.... I can almost predict the fail that's going to happen.

I'm pretty sure she's so enraptured in this relationship and the idea of getting engaged and married she'll actually go through with it on this hope and prayer that he will change and that all this happiness outweighs the incredible drama and toll it takes on her emotionally.

I've told her my past and history. It was never abusive but it was definitely unhappy. I hate to see her make the same mistake of tying yourself to someone you shouldn't, Connecting to a mismatch so great that it will only end in a scar of pain once it finally ends.

It's doomed to fail, and all I can do is sit on the sidelines and watch. My heart aches for her already.


  1. All in all, it sounds like they are both playing out with each other. She seems to be more aggressive in this relationship; he more passive.

    I was involved with someone like her once. I was smart enough to leave.

    You are in a rough place.


  2. BEen there , done that, sat by until he pushed her into a nervous breakdown. He cheated, gave her an STD , she went through hell, I had to come to a place where I said I love you but I cannot keep fixing you when you allow him to do this to you. She finally got brave enough to send him packing, but not before she flipped shit on him..

  3. Sometimes waiting is the hardest part.

    You told her what to do to get out of a bad situation. I wish those to whom I had confided my fears and desperate feelings had given me similar advice. Maybe I could have avoided some of my mess. Nevertheless, their support helped bring me through when I went about trying to fix me. I found my true family in those months.

    What matters no is that you'll be there for her. You already are.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

  4. I know how difficult it is to watch a close friend - you should pardon the expression - spiral out. The fact is, like an addict she is probably powerless to make changes until she hits bottom. Unfortunately, as harmful as this relationship seems to be, I can't imagine what else must occur for her to see that she is on a sinking ship.

    I was in a similar relationship when I was much younger - late teens - and stupider. I knew I needed to walk away, but I desperately wanted to "save" or "fix" the young woman who was so obviously damaged. Back then I was pretty idealistic and, as I said, stupid. I wanted to be the bigger person, treat her better than she treated me. But it became clear before long that I had to bail before the relationship consumed me.

    It IS emotional abuse. The insidious thing about emotional abuse is that it doesn't leave the kind of scars that can be photographed and used to justify a restraining order. I hate to say it, but you've done all you can. I'm not going to tell you to use some tough love and no longer be there for her; the fact is that if she ever wises up and leaves the guy, she'll need support. Whether you have the will to stick around that long is up to you.