Thursday, October 4, 2012

When I want to start having sex

On twitter, @Saynine asked the question - does anyone wait 6 dates or more for sex? He had seen this response on OK Cupid and was a little surprised at the length of time. A very respectful, healthy discussion followed among a large group of people. On the whole, most people had sex earlier than six dates.  Their reason? Sexual compatibility before emotional compatibility.

For me, this just doesn't jive. I can't actually imagine having my priorities that way. Just thinking about approaching life that way makes my brain say, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT! THAT'S CRAZY!" Ok, calm down brain. I'm not asking you to change who you are. At least I know my mental/emotional limits.

I have absolutely nothing against someone who can live life successfully this way - really. I fully respect people are different and can have sex on the first date and end up happy together (just like @saynine and a bunch of other twitter people have). For me, it's just not how I approach life and relationships. That conversation happened early 8 hours ago but I haven't stopped thinking about it.

Why did so many feel comfortable with sex on the first date when it seemed so few responded that that was too soon? Does my background/upbringing impact this more than I realize? Why, exactly, do I feel so strongly against this?

Let's start with a few disclaimers.
  1. First, as I've mentioned several times, I've only had 2 sexual partners. My experience on dating and starting a sexual relationship is limited.
  2. Also, I've never been on an actual first date. Let me explain: I started dating my first partner in college. We hung out for months and we were around each other so much that people assumed we were dating, so we just started dating under the logic, "Everyone thinks we are, so let's give it a shot and see if it's the good idea everyone else seems to think it is." Yeah, I was an idiot. (In my defense, I was only 17 and had only long-distance dated 1 other person.)  But once we first started "dating" officially, we didn't go out on any official dates. We just continued hanging out like we always had. Then when I started dating the boyfriend, but we met long distance. Our first "date" was more than a month after we started dating long distance. We were already skype masturbating, so sex upon meeting made sense.
  3. I grew up in a very conservative, Christian home. Sex was not discussed. You didn't kiss anyone unless you loved them. Sex was only OK within marriage... etc. You know the type. This whole background was a major part of the problem why my first sexual relationship failed: I had no idea what you should be looking for in a potential sexual partner or relationship. I didn't know what to think about, look for, and had no idea there was quite a range of sexual preference and tastes. 
OK, so disclaimers out of the way. Does this explain why I can't imagine sleeping with someone on the first date? No... really, I see my reasoning exists outside of these experiences:
  1. I don't trust people that easily. Yes, I'll take you at your word up until a point. However, I have no way of knowing you're telling me the truth when we've only just met. How do I know you're telling me the truth on what you want, are interested in, or your last STD test was as clean as you say it was? How do I know you're not going to use me to get off and not call me again? 
  2. Before you even kiss me, I want to know we have chemistry. Flirt with me, show me interest, let's get to know each other. Can we even flirt? I've had men flirt with me and I've been repulsed by it. Just because you're attracted to me, I won't be attracted to you.
  3. I have to be attracted to you, and I'm not automatically attracted to someone. Personality is a huge part of attraction for me. I am not attracted to the physical outright. I need time to let my attraction grow.
  4. I'm not a fan of casual sex. I prefer sex within a relationship. A relationship doesn't happen overnight or after a date or two. It takes time to develop.
  5. Sex can be confusing. I've seen it happen with friends... the sex is great, but the rest of the relationship sucks. It muddies the waters. You can't see clearly and you end up staying in a relationship when you really should end it. I don't ever want to be in that situation. I need to establish the rest of my relationship -- and then bring sex into the equation.
These are all reasons why just meeting someone and jumping into sex or swinging won't work for me. I need time and a relationship first. I need feelings, chemistry, anticipation. I don't want a one time thing. It's not for me. If it works for you, then I wish you safe and enjoyable sex in whatever form of relationship you are looking for. 

1 comment:

  1. Hey, I know that Christian household! Oh, how my parents would have absolutely gone ballistic is they learned while I was still in their house that I had oral sex -- with a guy! -- at 13 and intercourse at 16. I can picture exploding heads and everything...

    I know how to flip the mental switch to have sex for sex' sake. I've done it, and during my "depressed in my broken marriage slut stage" I did it often. One offs, brief affairs, all with no strings attached and inherently designed JUST for the physical pleasure of it all. It wasn't fulfilling by any means, and I certainly don't ever want to go back to days like that.

    I agree, sex within a relationship is much more meaningful, powerful, intimate, and fun than being casual. All of the "first dates" I've had that resulted in sex came after many long hours over several weeks (if not months or years) of internet and phone chatting, so like you and Boyfriend, it wasn't terribly unexpected. The emotional connection was established; intimacy was there.

    That said, I do like the idea of Mrs. AP and I being in a swinging environment and picking up somebody new, just for fun. Let the hedonistic sides loose, be as outgoing and aggressive and sexual as we can. Realistically, we'll probably just limit ourselves to close friendships that exist or develop, and maintain those relationships. But who knows, maybe someday...

    In the end I think we should each do what feels true and honest to ourselves. As the line goes, to thine own self be true.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP