Friday, May 18, 2012

Being "open minded"

So in the sex positive and kink community, there's a concept called "open minded." I've found it can mean different things to different people. Are any of these specifically right or wrong? I think that's up to you and what you think of this concept.

Open and up for anything. I think there's one interpretation where "open minded" means "I'll do anything." Normally where one partner wants something and another does not, and the partner who isn't getting what they want considers the other one "close minded." I'm guilty as charged in this. I called my ex closed minded about sex.  In the end, I realized that there was no amount of talking that would fix this. He was and is who he is with his desires; I am me. We were a complete sexual mismatch. Was that our only problem? No. But, it was a significant problem considering how much and how often I like to have sex - and all kinds of sex.

Not everyone is a sexual match. Even my BF and I, with all our sex and fun we have, sometimes we like different things. I want a hand job, he wants sex. I want to fuck him, he wants a hand job. He wants to pee on me, I don't really enjoy that. So far we haven't said "no" to each other on something we want. Sometimes I hear envious comments on twitter from someone seeking a partner who matches their desires. They want someone "open minded."

I don't know how to respond to that. To me, "open minded" does not mean "I want everything you want" or "I'll try anything you ask me to." That's not what its about. I do believe in what Dan Savage calls "GGG" which is "good, giving, and game." We should be open to our partner's desires and wants. We should be open to exploring... just as our partner should understand that each person's limits are different. And just because you try something doesn't mean you'll like it or want to do it again. Give and take.

No judgement. Does being "open minded" mean that you will not judge/think badly of someone for acting in a sexual way that's not similar to your tastes? Maybe. I think you should at least respect that people may like different flavors other than you. Some of us are vanilla and others are... rainbow kink, for lack of a better term. The BF and I are into a lot of things that's not for everyone. And that's OK. If you don't like it, I understand. I don't expect you to read every entry and like it; some people are into some things more than others. Some guys don't understand my BF's foot fetish; some women are uncomfortable with ass play. To each his own.

An issue I see is that being open minded is not just about allowing for the variety of sex in this universe; sometimes, we're just uncomfortable with something and it's off limits to us. Sometimes I have conversations with people on twitter and I end up shaking my head in disbelief of "I don't get it." Some things make me uncomfortable and they probably always will. I don't like hiding things from your partner, especially if it involves other partners they don't know about. I don't like public humiliation; it makes me very uncomfortable and it would break my heart to do it. (Of course, I have nothing against humiliation in the bedroom...)

So what happens when we come across those with tastes, predilections, desires, and fetishes that are so opposite our own? We can ignore, for certain. We can run far away and pretend they don't exist. We could tell the person he/she is "wrong" for their likes.

 In my mind the real key to being open minded is accepting that the person is that way and you can't change that. You shouldn't want to change that. What we all should do is accept the fact that we're all different and move on. The world is full of diversity; you don't have to understand it to get on in life. (Just like I don't understand how anyone can like the game Minecraft which the BF is currently obsessed with... but I love him anyway.)


  1. We definitely consider "no judgment" a big part of being open-minded sexually. Doesn't matter if something squicks you personally; don't make someone else feel bad about their kink, whether it's your significant other, or a random sex blogger. The way we see it, once it becomes socially acceptable to knock someone else's kink, whatever it is - and for the record, it's unfortunately ALWAYS been socially acceptable do this - then basically it's fair game to knock ANY kink. And from there it's the proverbial slippery slope before we regress into an even more sex-negative society than we already have. We find Dan Savage's "GGG" to be a good guide for our sexual relationship.

    Also, we like "rainbow kink". We've long wanted a good alternative to "vanilla", and "chocolate" just doesn't fit.


  2. I love being pegged! :-P

  3. "No judgement" and "open to anything" are very loose terms. For the most part, Mia and I are open to anything but that are certain fetishes that we would never venture in to the realm of. Never. And "no judgement"? Well, despite our best intentions, there are things I KNOW I would judge people for in the sexual realm. I know, I know, one person's kink is another man's taboo, but there are other things that are just too far wrong for me. Just like one person is allowed to like it, one person is allowed to think less of it.